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How to make a baby cry

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I once casually mentioned in a blog the theory of how to make a baby cry. Having grown up in Southern Missouri, I thought everyone was familiar with the theory. However, it seems many have only been told the shortened version of how to make a baby cry and I've been asked to provide the full theory. Some think that to make a baby cry, you just simply refuse to give it candy. Although that may result in the desired effects some of the time, to be certain the baby will cry, for whatever twisted reason you may have, you should follow these directions to the letter... it has been proven effective many, many times. To make a baby cry, you must first GIVE the baby candy... but if you just hand it over, you are truly cutting the whole experience short. Instead, let the baby casually see the candy from across the room. Just a quick glance at irregular intervals... nothing too obvious as you don't want to arouse the baby's suspicions. Then slowly work the candy across the room, stopping on occasions for idle inspection by others in the room or simple passers-by. Now hold the candy in front of the baby... just out of reach, but close enough to where the baby's mind will make it think it actually feels the candy. Inch the candy, ever so slowly, closer. When the baby strains forward with outreaching hands and can reach forward no further, quickly move the candy across the tips of the baby's fingers... not quick enough to impact the fingers, but just quick enough to brush across the very tips of the fingers enticing a tingling sensation that awakens the deepest urges within the baby's infantile mind. Just enough of a touch to make the baby want, no, CRAVE more. Place the candy within the baby's hands, but don't let it grab hold. Slowly stroke the baby's palms with the candy... move to the outside of the hand and slowly move the candy up the baby's arm with the gentle touch of a peacock feather on naked skin. Bring the candy back down the arm along the top of the hand and gently run it down the length of the fingers to the very tip. Now you should have the baby's undivided attention. The world could be on fire and crumbling around him, but he'll never notice as every fiber in the baby's mind is on that piece of candy. Every thought is of how he can obtain that candy. Will the candy taste as good as it looks? Will the candy satisfy his growing candy needs? Will it dissolve too quickly? Will he be able to handle this piece of candy? Or will he only be able to eat a portion of it to leave it on the coffee table sticky and wet only to be eaten by a passing dog at a later time? Will it be too sweet? Will it be too tart? Will it taste perfect, but yet turn sour leaving a bitter taste in his mouth? Will his mother approve of this particular piece of candy? After all, she didn't buy it. Will it be the kind of candy that breaks into sharp jagged pieces and lodges in your teeth to cause pain and discomfort for hours long after the sweet seductive tastes are gone? None of this matters... all he knows is he WANTS the candy. Now take the candy and move it closer to the baby's face. Hold it in front of the baby so he can see it's candied perfection. Every edge... every corner... every curve. Move the candy left to right slowly in front of the baby's eyes. Watch as the baby's head actually moves with the piece of candy while the eyes are transfixed in a locked position within their tiny sockets. Move the candy towards the baby's mouth. As the baby slowly tilts his head back, closes his eyes, and sticks out his tongue to accept the piece of candy, bring it close enough to the baby's mouth so that it can actually taste the smells coming from the piece of candy. So close that the anticipation actually disrupts the baby's breathing at the precise moment that the baby expects the candy to touch his tongue. Then veer the candy to a side brushing the side of the baby's mouth with the candy. As the baby adjusts his mouth to accept the candy, move it further away sliding it gently up the baby's cheek, down around the jaw line, across the neck, and up the other side. The baby will now be completely motionless, transfixed by temptation and the desire to have what must be the sweetest candy on the face of the planet. This MUST be the right piece of candy. You can now gently rub the candy left to right across the baby's lips... allowing the baby to take in the full fragrance of the candy with each passage under his nose. Move the piece of candy down along the side of the baby's mouth, down under the chin, and bring it up directly along the center of the chin, across the lips and just below the nose. Hesitate for a moment... just long enough for the baby to know, instinctively, that now is the time. Bring the candy down across the upper lip and stop directly on the lower lip... that has now swollen and is protruding in a pouty fashion. At this moment's hesitation, the baby will slowly drop his lower jaw and accept the piece of candy. This is now the climactic point of this baby's life... above and beyond any other piece of candy that has ever crossed his lips. It's texture is smooth and flawless. It's taste is gently sweet. It makes his mouth water and brings tears of joy to his eyes. This piece of candy is perfect. He wants to climb to the highest point and announce to the world that he has found the perfect piece of candy and the perfect piece of candy has found him. This piece of candy will outlast any other piece of candy. This is HIS piece of candy for all time. ... you can now take the piece of candy from the baby and watch him cry. These are the tears that will leave stains on the baby's face. These are the tears that will turn his eyes red and make them swell shut. These are the tears that come from within... the tears that will erode mountains and shape all things that will stand before him in the future. These are the tears that will never go away and that baby will have to look at the world through these tears for the rest of time. These are the tears that have changed my life. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before... try telling that to the crying baby.

Posted on Aug 21, 2006 at 07:58 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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and i remember getting this as an email about 6 years ago. time flies.

Posted on Aug 03, 2007 at 05:44 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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I do that to women all the time, but its not with candy..lol

Posted on Aug 03, 2007 at 05:41 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Wow! I remember this. What ever happened to Botarby?

Posted on Aug 03, 2007 at 04:16 PM Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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You can use the same technique to make the baby smile.

Posted on Aug 23, 2006 at 11:05 AM Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Nice story. It reminds me of my grandson. He'd be lookin' at you with a serious blank stare, he might even look away as you got the candy close to his hand. that's all it takes is close to his hand. Then BOOM, you'd be wearing a blanket over your head and after it came off, you'd see him there chewing on the candy with a great big grin! Even w/o the blanket, he's faster than most adults and just loves that game.

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 10:20 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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@ goldofhart - You're a sweetheart and this wasn't directed at you in particular. Please take no offense.

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 07:04 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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.....wow Botar...you got a way with words.........;-) slurp

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 03:52 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Botar-Gawd I need another make a baby cry story!!!!!!!!!!! Jo

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 02:17 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Wow! Makes me think about candy in a whole diferent way. Provoked mixed emotions as I read it. A very mind capturing and arousing story indeed, botarby8s.

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Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 01:29 PM Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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@ boots47 - you've got it. It is left somewhat vague to be shaped by the experiences of the individual reader. I've been writing more lately and I really didn't know why until this story tumbled from my brain last night. I can only assume the writing is somewhat therapeutic.

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 06:05 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Wow! I actually stopped breathing while reading that! Strange how some people thought that was funny....I felt the aching loss of my 37 yr marriage all over again....tell what was that REALLY about?

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 04:45 AM Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Botar, you defiantly have the gift. A true master.

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 03:35 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Waaaaah!

Posted on Aug 22, 2006 at 01:59 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
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Wow Botar, That was mighty enticing... You really got my mouth watering for more Candy... You really have to stop teasing that baby...LOL...Sher

Posted on Aug 21, 2006 at 10:32 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report