Biker Blogs > KyBrnEyes's blogs > First Christmas as a Widow.

First Christmas as a Widow.

Members Only

I am not sure why I am writing this if it's to make sure I am going to make it through this or if it's to help someone else make it through this.  Being my first of everything in life without my husband has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I lost a son 20 years ago and God knows I thought it was the end of me then.  He was 15 years old and got sick at 4 months that sent his life to hell.  He lost everything about him except his life.  His eye sight, his hearing, his ability to move and do things forhimself.  He was left like a 0 to 3 month old.  Not the disease but the crazy mess the doctors did when they missed the real issue.  Now here I am again 20 years later only this time I am all alone.  All my kids are grown, and my husband decided to take his life April of this year.  So not only is it my first Christmas without him it's my first Christmas alone since I left home at the age of 16.  People tell me to be strong and try again and move forward.  So I started school and I have worked my hardest at that.  It was going good and then here comes fate.  I met a man on here and fell in love with him.  Thought he loved me too.  Miles didn't matter I could feel his love and thought he felt mine except he had a temper.  He would get upset and run away and quit talking when we had a disagreement.  I apologized twice now for things I'm not even sure were my fault or that I was in the wrong.  I believed him to be talking to other women.  Talking no problem if you admit it I got it.  But when you feed me love and songs, and asked me to Marry you and then you send me something tha makes no sense?  I question it and he leaves me.  He is still talking to me and I can now feel the distance.  The coldness that was not there before.  I have but one Christmas Wish and that would be to marry this one man.  He helped me move forward and get to know there is life left in me.  If I lose him there won't be.  I will totally give up.  So I am asking God for this one Chritmas Wish to bless me with this mans love and if it's not meant to be I find out immediately and just get through this Christmas Season.   One more hurdle to jump and my old tired body is getting up there to be jumping hurdles.  God hears me and his answers are final and he makes no mistakes.  So if it's not meant to be then God sees and knows more than I do. He could see that big huge truck coming down the road that I can't see and when I run into the street to get that beautiful ball it will hit me.  So he holds my hand and I cry and he just smiles and says to me little one Today you Cry Tears of Pain tomorrow you will cry Tears of Joy.  That is what I am praying for.

Sort by:
Newest Post
  • Oldest Post
  • Newest Post
Members Only

Thanks for the info and your right.  I need to find me.  I will find me and nobody will ever take that away from me.  I am a very good person and have a huge loving heart.  That is how I got hurt by the man who took his own life.  I gave him my world and made his.  Now I just want to have a fun time in life and enjoy riding a bike with a partner who thnks like I do.  One who not only enjoys life but has no problem bowing his head and praying for safe trips.  Motorcycles to me mean fun but not only that it's the freedom and the closest thing to God I have found on this earth.  Wind in my face and road at my feet and I put my life in God's hands.

Thanks again for your post and God bless.  Just wish me luck to find someone worth riding with before the good weather hits.

Members Only
Hey baby girl! I've been there done that. You first need to find out who YOU are. Introduce yourself to you again. You've been Mrs. So- and-So for so long you have NO clue who You are!!!Forget the men you DEPEND upon for self-worth and establish a REAL relationship with yourself. That's the best advice anyone coming out of a "life-long" relationship NEEDS to follow. GOD will take care of the rest. I promise, if not, I wouldn't be typing right now. Much luck and put some FAITH in YOU. Be your best friend, your strength, your confidant. I hope this rings true for your sake.
Members Only
Quoting demoman:

oh dont get me wrong, it is possable, but then, when it happened to you, that was a long time ago, and things sure have changed, as did the people. nothing but good luck for you though... Demo

Don't backtrack. What you said is true. and you and me have seen enough on this site in regard those who bemoan those who said they were "true" and were not. Its good when people get lucky. But most times it is not luck. It is brains and foresight. Would never pick up in abar or a knocking shop. I only come on here for the company and the chill and barnyard chat with the other barnyard animals. I'll keep to what I know. If I don't want to be seen as a pick up or treated as a pick up I don't act like a pick up and put myself in the window and hope someone nice buys me.

Glad you pciked yorusel up with an eggnog with rum. Think I'll try.

I tip my eggnog to you DEmo.

Members Only

Well Deck the Halls baby.  I bought my own tree, decorated it and my whole house.  Every room looks and feels like Christams.  Even my bathrooms.  I baked cookies, I made bourbon balls, am making springles, home made custard filled cream puffs,  not the white stuff but the real yellow cusstard that makes them weight a lb. and home made fudge.  Cooking dinner for my kids and grandkids and any friends who wish to come by.  Got my Christmas shopping done.

I promised Bill I would get by one way or the other.  I am doing that just getting by.  But, not to shabby for a first Christmas alone.  Oh and I even had egg nog with Captain Morgan spiced rum.  Just works wonders sometimes. 

I wish every widow and widower whose first Christmas it is alone or whose 20th Christmas it is alone a Verry Merry Christmas.  I will be drinking a toast to all on Christmas Morn right after midnight mass.

Members Only
oh dont get me wrong, it is possable, but then, when it happened to you, that was a long time ago, and things sure have changed, as did the people. nothing but good luck for you though... Demo
Members Only
Any way. Lets do some good. Will put up Good Things 4 Christmas and its a race as to who can put up the most good things on the blog until Xmas - then maybe to New Year.

Get Ready.....Go..

I get to put tinsle on the tree first. Nah Nah Na Na Nah

Members Only
I am afraid there is a lot of scum and vultures out there who will prey on your grief and your desperation for company and need for understanding.

I would not trust anyone on line or anyone I meet in a pub and most in church are pretty dodgy too. I think the most likely person you would meet is someone like yourself who had someone good and a good relationship for a long time and understands. There are people on this site widows and widowers who have moved on and are strong in themselves who found each other.

Be careful. Lot of scumdogs out there Be Proud and Stay Proud.

Need friends Not men.

And most of all you need yourself.

Members Only


Thanks for the comment.  I agree with some of what you said.  But my late husband and I met on line.  We talked about two months and he decided he was coming for a visit.  Said he knew if he didn't I would be gone.  He came and we had known each other about 3 months just on line.  We married 6 months later and we had 12 good years of marrige.  Cinderella story I guess.  But, in defense of what you said your right he never asked me to send him any pics especially nude ones.  He never asked me for money either.  I won't go there I am old fashioned and keep my clothes on. 

Thanks for the advice and have a wonderful Christmas.

Members Only
same story, different site. this may sound harsh, but bottom line is there couldnt have been enough time to like a guy that much. it may have felt like it, but it was just the feeling you got with the attention you needed. There are 2 things wrong with what you did.. the first, was to think long distance works...odds are it wont. the second thing was to think you know the person in such a short time. if you have know him less then a year, you dont know him. if you havent met. you dont know him. give up looking for someone, and take the time to know "you" and learn you dont and shouldnt need someone every waking moment.
Ive seen this more times then i can count, and ill tell you a couple warning signs as well....

A man should never ask for money. EVER! if they do...tell them goodbye

A man should never ask for pics unless there fully clothed pics.if so, tell them... see ya

If a man is in too much of a hurry to see you, or in a hurry for any reason, odds are he has the wrong motive.

This is the internet, and most everything on here is a lie. It may not be fair, it may not be right, but thats just how it is.

Members Only
That's tough. Must have lots of memories. Hope you get through. But if you do get memories just give thanks that you were given the blessing of having these memories and knowing this very special person in the first place. Then raise you glass and say to him and God. "Thanks."

Love, Live and Go On and always believe. You have many kisses from heaven that you do not know of everyday.

Have a nice Christmas and mix with the living and the good.

Just been to a Carol Service with all the children dressed up as the Christmas story. Little ones dressed as angels and sheep and one was a teddy bear because his mum had dressed him in his teddy bear pyjamas. Soo sweet and so good. Tiny ones singing their hearts out and looking so proud. There is some good things about. Have to go and remind yourself of them. Just in case you get down.