Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy . My balls itch!"
Top 25 Things Biker Chicks Say....(That make Bikers love them!!)
1.) I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?
3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and ?..have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
5.) God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.
7.) You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.
9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.
13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.
14.) Honey..our new neighbor is sunbathing nude again, come see!
15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.
16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.
17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.
18.) Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.
19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.
23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24.) That was a great fart! Do another one!
25.) I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart