How many times have we spoken harshly or in a derogotry jest, without considering the consequences of our words. Surely as they are my parent, child, sibling, spouse or my best friend; they will not let my words bother them....
Yet, especially in the case of children,
these destructive words are carried, sometimes into adulthood. They cause inferiority complexes and create a wounded soul.
For example, my cousin, Raymond. Once a teacher told Raymond's mother that Raymond was "slow" to learn. "Slow" became "retard" and what he was called by both his mother and the rest of the family. The more he was called "retard", the more retarded he became. A horrible thing to do to a child, but no one thought anything about it.....at the time.
I'd lost track of Raymond for over thirty years, but a few years ago, put forth an effort to find him. Raymond has nothing to do with his inmmediate family. He owns and operates a garage in Indiana and does a lot of charity work for those who can't afford it. He and his wife have adopted nine mentally handicapped children and yuh know somethin? Not a one of them is "retard".
So maybe the next time before you say those hurtful words; the words that hurt, as only people who love, can hurt one another; Maybe you'll remember that once spoken, they can't be recalled and that words have power.
BB- Great thread! (Miss ya BB!)
Words have so much power. The stats say that emotional abuse can be far worse than physical abuse.
Name-calling only creates negative results. For our kids, for anyone.
Kindness is the final word.
Edited: Nov 13:
I've read the stats on positive statements vs negative ones.
For childeren: It takes 7-10 positive statements/words to neutralize (sp) the damage done by 1 negative statement/word.
To get to a positive balance, more kind things are in order. So, it becomes very interesting. Kids and adults need to do those 'higher road' activities that naturally build self-esteem and be surrounded with positive, truthful support systems.
If we are aware of our own self-talk, and listen to it carefully, we can also see how many positive thoughts vs. negative one we have chattering up in our personal attics. *10 or more positive thoughts can gain on 1 negative thought.* "You can do it."
That's where visualization comes in also. Creating in our mind the ideas we have for success in every arean, and looking at them often.
Hold Fast to Dreams
For if Dreams Die
Life is a Broken Winged Bird
that Cannot Fly...............
I just came upon this thread...wow...oh so very true. Thank you for sharing, Jess, & with what everyone else here has shared...I've had enough hurtful words said to me growing up & it sure did a number on my self esteem. I was very shy & quiet as a kid & would just be lost in my own little world & our high school counselor labeled me as an introvert. (My friends these days don't believe I was ever shy & quiet!) When I started dating this guy back when I was 18 who was then to become my husband at age 22, I couldn't figure out what he saw in me. He was Mr. Popular & I was a nobody. At least that's how I saw myself...When we had our daughter, I taught her to always be nice to other people & to treat people the way you would want to be treated because of how I was treated growing up...Because like what was mentioned earlier...once that hurtful nail goes in? Once a hurtful word is said? It's done...the impact has been made & one can start believing what is being said about them if it's being said to them often. I still every once in awhile let my insecurites creep in & then I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen. It took me a long time to realize that I'm not ugly & that I am a somebody...cuz you know why? God doesn't make a nobody...
bear, how true the words you have written. I am happy to hear that something good came to him despite that which was dealt him. I wish for all who responded with stories of similar painful words inflicted upon them to find healing and the strength to over come. isn't it just amazing how much just words can affect us? hopefully all the one's you hear today are positive!
And of course sometimes the "I love you's" are just another way of getting to someone's heart and NEVER meaning it but just thinks its better to say it and make the person think you really do mean it... Sometimes things are just better left unsaid if they are intentionally meant to hurt someone.. Or in my case I am usually never mean and never say mean things until I am pushed to my limit.. And unfortunately I was pushed once more into a corner and came out fighting.. As I am not one to sit back and watch someone try to destroy me. Unfortunately some ppl do get hurt by words but for me its a way of responding.. To show my hurt and not ANGER... And mostly the truth.. and yes BigBear this was an amazingly great post by you.. Peace brother...
In our rush today....we don't take the time to think about what we are about to say, words cannot be taken back, they are said, they are spoken. In the heat of anger so many harsh words fall forth from many tongues...everyone needs to stop....pause for a breath, realize what your words may mean to someone before they come rushing through your lips. I have watched my sister suffer because the last words she ever said to my oldest sister who passed away were words of anger...ones that she couldn't take back or explain. The three easiest words we should be able to say are "I love you" and we don't. I learned the hard way, when you love someone, tell them...it's so important....let those you know that you love, that you do....don't hang up that p*hone, sign off on that email, wave good-bye without saying "I love you"
i agree with all here, words can be the most gentel, or be the cause of the worst cruelity in the world (spelling does not count, thank-god)...i have had words said to me in both fashion by different kinds of people and for me anyway, it is a life time battle to forget the bad and remember the good..it takes a life time to reverse the harsh words into good words, so as a lesson learned, always say only good or keep the it to yourself, because as many of you said-the damage runs deep.....bigbear-your a wise man
It is said by people with many letters after their names, that the medula oblongata (the brain stem) is where all such memories hide. The medula has no concept of time, so anything that happened years ago, "just happened". That is why we are affected, as adults. In order to release these negative thoughts; It is recommended that you again relive each instance, but this time view it as an adult, instead of the child. If you see there's no blame on your part, release the false guilt, if you were to blame, remember the lesson, but also realize that you are only human and that in all cases, the Child is Innocent! So forgive yourself and go on.
Not trying to put out psycho babble here, but it works. After a chldhood of being called "The Worthless Bastard" ( I was illigitimate) and apologizing to the world for my existance, I can assure you that it works. Anyone needs to talk, private and confidentially, just email me.
stillme67 write: BigBear - another great post. words can be like nails in a fence. once you hammer the nail in, you can pull the nail back out, but the mark is still there.
yes they can--no matter what they can leave a scar
I grew up in an environment such as this. Its still hard to live down those words. I had a "friend" that was so harsh I lost all confidence in myself. I struggle today to remember who I am and that I am worthy. I now have a boss who is harsh and critical. I am again fighting to save myself. This thread has brought me to tears. BigBear, you are a wonderful soul.
the good thing was as a society we realized and acted on physical abuse and put an end or at least are attempting to put to an end--there were/are those in society that then vented anger through words in place of thru the hand--thinking that it was ok they weren't hitting or being hit
we now realize that abuse is abuse whether by hand or mouth
i have on instance called the police when i have seen a dad verbally abusing his kids--with vugarilty(sp) and flinging his jacket around hitting them
we need to put a sock in it and think before we speak--not that we need to keep our feelings in--just learn how to express them without damaging words
Truer words have not been spoken, I have two sisters that are living proof of this, not from my parents, but from my father's parents. What they thought was funny, wasn't to a child. There were four of us girls, the first grandchildren they had, they thought the world of the oldest and youngest but weren't very nice to my two middle sisters. As they became adults and had control over their own lives it became apprent that the relationship was very strained, and in the end it was my grandparents who lost, these two women estranged themselves from that part of the family. Today, my grandmother (last one living) is fading fast, she is somewhere around 95 to 97 years old, we were told yesterday that all they could do is just keep her comfortable. Who we hurt for is my father and pray she is able to pass with no pain. Sad when family can hurt each other this way.
secretsquirrel write: Bear once it's said it plants a seed....so begins the process...like a cancer it spreads and kills the person inside...they no longer have the desires to succeed...they just exist..wondering if this is the day it will end...they start looking for ways to make it happen faster...
...don't people understand that there ugly works could be the end of a wonderful life?
not just the person thinking about it, but all they love and care for?...
the children that will be left behind ...to never see there parent again except in a dream?
the mother that watched this precious treasure come into this world only to watch and hold this beautiful creature as it leaves this life again?
the father he won't show his emotions but his heart will...
was it worth it? to you? make you a better person?
Did it get you the attention you wanted?????....
you kick a domino they all fall down........
parents should never out live there children....
Do you really want to be that person?
WOW Rocky...These are some powerful words...Thank you for sharing........
And Bear The world need more people like Raymond...God Bless Him!
Wow...Bear...You have some great words & what wonderful life story! I work with deaf,hardhearing,blind students. I always end up with special needs kids. Supervisors know I do my best to treat them well. We spend our class time trying to learn soccer, step aerobics, weight lifting, etc. My heart swells with pride watching them achieve or attempt to & we all belly laugh when something funny happens! Those kids learned to laugh together & not at each other, like when they miss the ball & do a domino effect on others & they ALL fall down! Hey, sometimes I do that, too! LOL it's my first class of the day...early morning medicine! Sometimes it's hard to take, knowing I have that class, but after it's done...I feel soooo much better!
Hey, don't miss the new movie...ChickenLittle, it's not just a cutesy kids movie...lesson for parents/adults to believe in kids. The beginning song made me cry...it hit home...after the movie...I told my sons...don't ever be afraid to talk to me about anything & I WILL believe you. Be honest & know I will believe you! Thanks, again, Bear good morning