A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can't find a price on something make one up.

A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white d ildo?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.

A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black d ildo?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.

A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid d ildo?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.

The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white d ildo to a white chick for $10, a black d ildo to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.

2006 RESOLUTIONS FOR YOUR PET

? 12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

? 11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

? 10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

? 9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

? 8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

? 7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

? 6. HAMSTER: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my a ss.

? 5. Always scoot before l icking.

? 4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is "too" much.


? 3. GOLDFISH: Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.


? 2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd to December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

? 1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

SIGNS YOUR NEW YEAR'S
PARTY WENT BAD


1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed


2. The 'Party Hats' looked suspiciously like stolen traffic cones

3. There's a "Happy 1995" sticker on the packet of shrimp you've been eating all night

4. It's January 6th

5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm

6. The guests decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000


7. At midnight everyone gathered around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop


8. You heard a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom


9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer


10. You think you'll skip the party next year.

Credit: The Late show with David Letterman

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine that suddenly snatches metal out of your hands.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Spins pop rivets in their holes.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: A cutting tool that transforms human energy into a crooked motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the worse it gets.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, or as substitutes for the 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you can't find.

ENGINE HOIST: For testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A prybar that has a screwdriver tip on one end.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Used to splash oil on your shirt while stabbing a can of 10-30. Also used to strip out Phillips screw heads.

PRY BAR: Used to crumple the sheetmetal surrounding the clip or bracket you needed to remove.

HAMMER: A kind of divining rod used to locate the most expensive parts near the object we are trying to hit.

EXPLETIVE: A verbal balm, somehow eases the pains and indignities that follow our mishaps while using the tools above.

sometimes it;s the only thing that works lol

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, ?Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.?

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, ?Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.?

?And I?ll be forgiven?? asks the man.

?No,? replies the priest, ?but it will wipe that f ucking smirk off your face.?

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Alarms: What an octopus is.


Dockyard: A physician's garden.


Incongruous: Where bills are passed.


Pasteurize: Too far to see.

well might not be funny to some but this had me rolling

CRABBY WIFE !!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which
do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,
"Give me the bad news first."

The trooper sai! d,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body
in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The trooper continued,
"When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6
good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "

Subject: Walk on Water
All of his life, Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing
family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-
grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day,they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their
first legal drink.

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a
boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's
my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his
father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Len's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb a(())__,
your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were
born in July."

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says,"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the
passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and meets another passer-by. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no
American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an
American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks
her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch,
shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work!"

funny

Living Will
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If this ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the T. V. and threw out all of his beer!

hope not everyone has heard this one before
one sunny spring afternoon a man was sitting by mountain stream fishing a fly was buzzing over the creek ,a trout was watching the fly from under the water he thought if that fly drops 2 inches I will have him for lunch ,a bear on the other shore was watching the trout and thought if that fly drops 2 inches the trout will jump for it I will catch the trout and have my lunch.A mouse was looking at the sandwich in the mans pocket and thought if that fly drops 2 inches the trout will jump for it the man will be busy watching and I will grab the sandwich for my lunch. Also on the shore was a cat who thought if that fly drops 2 inches the trout will jump the man will watch it the mouse will go for the sandwich I will catch the mouse and have it for lunch just then the fly dropped 2 inches the trout lept from the water the bear jumped at the trout the mouse sprang for the sandwich but seeing the cat leaping at him ducked the cat missed the mouse and landed in the stream. So the moral of the story is when a fly drops 2 inches a p ussy is going to get wet.

YA RIGHT!! LOL!
What really happened is The Boy said:"You should have bought a YAMAHA!!

Hehehe...

Hi Lowryder,
Lobg time no talkie!!
Merry X'mas and Happy New Year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walmart has announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, director of marketing. She continued, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart brand. The top surveyed names in popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum), or red meat (Squirrel).

Great one Lowryder....LOL

Fridays Question

There was a boy named Johnny.

One day in school, his teacher announced that every Friday she would ask a question and whoever could answer it wouldn't have to come to school the following Monday.

When Friday arrived, she asked, "How many trees are there in the world?"

No one knew, so everyone had to come back to school on Monday.

The next Friday she asked, "How many blades of grass are on the school lawn?"

No one knew, everyone had to come back to school.

Friday after Friday, the teacher would ask these impossible-to-answer questions, and Johnny was getting very tired of those questions that no human could answer, and of going to school on Monday.

So on Thursday night, when he got home, he spray-painted 2 ping pong balls black.

On Friday, just before the teacher asked Friday's Question, Johnny threw them up on her desk.

She picked them up and asked angrily, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Johnny replied, "Bill Cosby. See ya! on Tuesday, Teach!"

How come when you mix water and flour together, you get glue?
and then when you add eggs and sugar, you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
You know darn well where it went!
That's what makes the cake stick to your Buttox!