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Posted on Tue, Jan 31, 2006 11:36

A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye
grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died . The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks late r when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."



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Posted on Mon, Jan 30, 2006 16:18

KinMonmouth write:
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No,
silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says,
nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

yyyyyyyuuck

  
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Posted on Mon, Jan 30, 2006 15:08

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No,
silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says,
nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."



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Posted on Mon, Jan 30, 2006 12:42

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)





If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.



(Now that's more like it!)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.



(O.M.G.!)







A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.



(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)







A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)






(I'm still not over the pig.)







Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour




(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)







The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.





("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")







The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.


(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)







The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.



(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )









Some lions mate over 50 times a day.






(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)







Butterflies taste with their feet.



(Something I always wanted to know.)







The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.



(Hmmmmmm......)







Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.






(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)







Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)







A cat's urine glows under a black light.





(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)







An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



( I know some people like that.)







Starfish have no brains



(I know some people like that too.)







Polar bears are left-handed.






(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)







Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy
facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a
chuckle)...In other words, send it to everyone



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Posted on Sun, Jan 29, 2006 01:56

Cinderella write:
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister
manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technican at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

many a time Cinderella

  


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Posted on Sun, Jan 29, 2006 01:49

A new postage stamp shaped like a clitoris was gonna be launched........but it was taken off the market cos only 5% of men know how to lick it properly!

  


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Posted on Sat, Jan 28, 2006 18:15

A Texan's Guide To Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

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Posted on Sat, Jan 28, 2006 08:42

DANG CUT ,,,,I DONT HAVE A INDIAN,,,,,BUT SOME HOW I FEEL BETTER TOO,,,,,LOL,,,,THANK'S BROTHER,,,,,

  


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Posted on Sat, Jan 28, 2006 00:34

Commandment#1--The one true American made motorcycle is the INDIAN and thou shall put no other motorcycle before it.

I feel better now! LMFAO

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Posted on Fri, Jan 27, 2006 15:01

Subject: An International Story


Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a
French guy, a U.S. Marine, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the
sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman
has
a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the
dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the
dark.
But he missed me and fondled the old lady instead...and she slapped his
cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The Marine must have groped the blonde in the
dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Marine thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
that
Frenchman again.



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Posted on Fri, Jan 27, 2006 08:31

The Redneck and the Gorilla

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
The problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.


Reflecting on their problem, the park
Administrator thought of Bubba
Jones, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for

Cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park
Administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
Gorilla for $500.00?

Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:



1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.



2. "Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.


3. "Third," Bubba said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern> Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.


4. And last of all Bubba stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00



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Posted on Thu, Jan 26, 2006 13:55

Men are like Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips



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Posted on Tue, Jan 24, 2006 18:39

When a woman wears leather clothing:

A man's heart beats quicker,

and his throat gets dry,

and he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?



Because she smells like a new truck...



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Posted on Tue, Jan 24, 2006 11:08

Chris Rock's 2005 Quote of the Year

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are
named Bush, D1ck, and Colon."

Need more be said?

  


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Posted on Sat, Jan 21, 2006 04:47

My friends - This is sales:

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
>
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow.
>>>
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
>>>
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many
customers bought something from you today?
>>>
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
>>>
The kid says "$101,237.65".The boss says "$101,237.65? What
the heck did you sell?"
>>>
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
>>>
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK is that right?"

And the kid answered "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "



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Posted on Thu, Jan 19, 2006 13:35

The Ten Commandments of Harley Davidson


1. The one true American-made motorcycle is the Harley-Davidson, and thou shalt put no other motorcycles before it.

2. Thou shalt not bow down and worship nor serve the god of chrome; for, lo, he is a false god and will not get thy
bu*tt home.

3. Honor thy authorized dealer and thy hog chapter officers, that thy days may be long and fruitful in the land of
Harley.

4. Remember the weekend, and keep it open. For it is written, five days shalt thou labor, and for two days shalt thou
ride thy Harley, drink beer, and f**k off.

5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Harley, nor her manservant, nor her maidservant, nor her ox, nor her cute
little azz.

6. From the throne of thine Harley, thou shalt not stoop to wave at sinners who ride jap-crap, for jap-crap is known to
be the handiwork of the devil.

7. Thou shalt not pass by nor turn away from thy brother Harley rider who is in mechanical distress. Remember this &
live by it!!

8. Thou shalt not pose. Verily, I say unto you, it is easier for a poser to pass his gold visa card through the eye of a
needle than to enter into the true fellowship of Harley-Davidson heaven.

9. When riding thy Harley on the road of life, thou shalt not whine nor snivel, and thou shalt not suffer to ride
alongside those who do.

10. Park not thy Harley in the darkness of thine garage, that it may collect dust for want of being oft ridden. Ride thy
Harley with thy brethren, and rejoice in the spirit of the road!



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Posted on Wed, Jan 18, 2006 15:02

Three Daughters"

A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday
night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for
Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?"
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for
Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the
door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck"

The farmer shot him.



"Koala"

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs,
finds a door open goes in to the room to find a naked pr*stitute asleep
on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing *ral
s3x on the pr*stitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so
good she'll let him finish.
The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for
the door. The pr*stitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to
pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The pr*stitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm
a pr*stitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows
the koala the definition.
PR*STITUTE (n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the
definition of koala bear.
KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.



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Posted on Wed, Jan 18, 2006 14:10

Lord, I have a problem."
>"What's the problem, Eve?"
>"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of
>these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm
>just not happy."
>"And why is th! at Eve?"
>"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm si*ck to death of apples."
>"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
>you."
>"Man? What is that Lord?"
>"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
vain.
>All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster
and
>like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he
will
>satisfy your physical needs.
>He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
>kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also
need
>your advice to think properly."
>"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but is
there a

>catch my Lord?"
>"Well... you can have him on one condition."
>"What is that my Lord?"
>"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self admiring... so you'll
have
! >to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our
>little secret...
>you know, woman to woman."
Thank you,



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Posted on Tue, Jan 17, 2006 16:14

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5 You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a s perm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive legally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one



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Posted on Tue, Jan 17, 2006 16:04

Guts Or balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the azz and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.



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