A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from
his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat
would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from
his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a *****
on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $ 30,000 loan to take a holiday"
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty exsplains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant,"I mean what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone,"
You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are !!!!!!
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to
detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby & picked up as soon as the
movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they cannot hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund &
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is not polite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
>Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
>as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
>And furthermore.. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
>2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
>3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
>4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
>5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
>6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
>7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
>8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
>9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
>10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
>11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
>12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
>HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
>2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
>3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
>4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
>5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
>6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
>7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
>8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
>9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
>10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
>11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
One day this guy is eating breakfast and he says to his wife, "Honey, I bet your butt is bigger than the bar-b-Q. As a matter of fact I am going to measure it and see which is bigger. He comes back in, measures her butt and declares that her butt is bigger.
That night he is feeling a bit frisky. He keeps nudging her and finally say, "What's up with you?"
She takes a long, hard look at him and says, "If you think I'm going to put that little wiener on my bar-b-q, you're nuts.
Two fleas from New York City had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all
blue, shivering and shaking,
damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asks him, "What the hell
happened to you?"
The first flea! says, "I rode down here from
New York City in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the
worst way to travel!
Try what I do. Go to the airport bar. Have a
While you are there, look for a nice
stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
nestle in where it's warm and cozy.
You'll be in Miami in no time.
It's the best way to travel that I can think
The first flea thanks the second flea and says
he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows
up in Miami he is all
blue, and shivering and shaking again.
Damn near frozen to death.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I
Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as
I went to the airport bar. I had a few drinks.
Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I
crawled right up to her warm cozy spot.
It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep
immediately. When I woke
up, I was back in the
mustache of the guy on
Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!
Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a
stress management technique recommended in all the latest
The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person
you're holding underwater......
8. See, you're smiling already.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
> and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
> been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
> reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"
> Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
> out with God."
> St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
> God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
> invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
> Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
> God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
> that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run
> without a road?"
> Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
> aren't you the inventor of woman?"
> God said, " Ah, yes."
> "Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
> major design flaws in your invention:
> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
> 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
> 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
> 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
> 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
> "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
> replied God, "hold on."
> God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
> waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
> God read i t.
> "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
> Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
> invention than yours.
A friend of mine got his bear license and then went bear hunting. On the fist day a large bear came by and he shot it. It barely hurt the bear and he went to my buddy and said" I am either gonna kill you or f*ck you in the ass" Well not wanting to die he took it like a man then went to the gun store to get a bigger gun. The next day the same bear came by so he shot it. This time the bear took a step back, then went up to my buddy and said " am going to kill you or f*ck you in the ass". That night he went to the gun store and bought an elephant gun. The next day that same bear walked by so he shot him again. This time the bear was knocked by three feet but was still standing. He came over to my buddy and this time he said " you aren't really hunting are you?"
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his beautiful young wife in bed with an older man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler Tickets. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a $100 if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him
for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed !
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several
cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from
the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles
door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed
money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for
the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their
living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer,
who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed
by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie,
the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out
selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200
I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am
a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church,
and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You
are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie,
did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered
the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door,
in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said
in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have
sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy
th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like
m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read
it t-to y-y-you??"
A man was stranded on a desert island for ten years when a woman in a
scuba suit swims out of the water and onto shore. "How long has it
been since you had a cigar?" she asks. "Ten years" the man replies.
The woman takes a cigar box out of a zipped pocket on her suit and
hands him one. As the man smokes it she say "How long has it been
since you had a drink?" "Ten years" replies the man. She takes a bottle
of tequila out of another pocket. As he drinks she says "Has it also
been ten years since you played around?" "Yep" says the man.
As the woman unzips the front of her suit the man shouts
"No way! You got a set on golf clubs in there too?"
> A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three bottles of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a bottle goes flat after I open it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way
> He orders three beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two bottles. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church here in Amarillo and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though...?
Installing your wireless security system in four easy steps
> 1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots.... a
> really big pair.
> 2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo"
> 3. Put a dog dish beside the boots ... a really big dish.
> 4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, big
> Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in half an hour.
Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has
been one month since my last confession. I have had with Nookie
Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say
three hail marys.
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has
been two months since my last confession. I have had with Nookie
twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly
sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green
shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest
turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I
think it's just the reflection from her shoes!"