I noticed that there wasn't a section for jokes or silly stuff so with a "Hell Yeah" and a big grin on my face the "Have a laugh" topic was born....
Anyway christmas eve at my house this year was a laugh and a half.
It all started off when Death turned up in a strop.
He's been dating this woman,
but he just found out she's been seen out with Pestilence in Tescos...
Well, ol' Pestilence is at the table
(cheating at scrabble..I can always tell 'cos he gets all the E's).
So a right old dingdong ensues and in the mele¿
Famine takes one on the chin when Death swings a lefty too wide.
'Course, War sits there laughing...
until he clocks that Pestilence has nicked his spot
where he was gonna put a triple scoring word.
So he kicks off too -
but 'cos of all the lager he's had he gets it all wrong
and belts Death one across the bonce -
and I'm in the middle with a plate of chips and a loofah
(don't ask) trying to calm it all down.
I had to throw War out and chuck the dog's water over Death
before it all settled down.
Turns out that Deaths girl was helping Pestilence
buy Death a christmas present.
So Death bursts into tears and does that old
'yer me best mate' routine,
Famine pukes up on the dog
and Pestilence drops THE most godawful fart.
My joke for today:
" The Drunk at the Market"
I was shopping at a local supermarket the other day, where I selected:
A half gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A can of coffee
A package of bacon
As i was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, adrunk standing behind me was watching me as I was placing the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, " you must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I am indeed single.
I looked at the items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the best of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're right, but how did you know that?"
My contribution...God and the bridge
A man was riding his scooter along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded over, and in a booming voice, the Lord said," Because of your sincereeffort to be faithful in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over, and replied, " Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride overthere anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and try to think of something that will benefit mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's giving me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says there's nothing wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Did you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through
blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to
dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are
modern times. You gotta let
your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting
there with no top on.The teenager wants to die. She
explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over and that it is just
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can
show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets".
Since most of us are going to the doctor's office a lot, maybe we should try this...since insurance costs are going out of sight!!!
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it..
It takes only ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later , the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor's certificate for your employer."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water , a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for
He then went back to Wal-Mart , eager to test the computer.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer
prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:
"Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for
dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom.
As the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me
another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She
always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when
she sees me and I
think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom.
Again as the boy is leaving he turns back and says:
"After all, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always
makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I
think she is expecting something from me!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying:"Thank you
Lord for your kindness...
"Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more
than the others.
She gets close to the boy,whispers in his ear: "I
didn't know you were
The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was a
Any day now,you're going to turn on the TV and see a
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico
or the Atlantic
and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your
home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or
any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is
certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of
your house. At any moment, this company can drop you
like used dental
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27
home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by
the Bob and Big
Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states
that, in addition
to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on
demand, to my
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on
windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major
hurricane -- all the
toilets. There are several types of shutters, with
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get
them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it
will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest
wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the
so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,
furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a
throw these items into your swimming pool (if you
don't have a
swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you
should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it
you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a
major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam
from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as
a bonus,you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will
need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the
get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of
In addition to food and water, you will need the
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that
turn out, when
the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will
be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,
there WILL be
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of
by turning on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain
slicker, stand right next to the ocean and tell you
over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise!
Those of you who haven't been here yet.......... you
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue
>needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for
his two best
>friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always
>Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled
back the sheet,
>Darryl said,"Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him
>The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said,
"Nope, ain't Bubba."
>The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then
he brought Gomer in
>to identify the body.
>Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up. Roll
>The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
>The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
>Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two A-holes ."
>"What? He had two aholes?' asked the mortician.
>Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had
two aholes. Every
>time we went to town folks would say "Here comes
Bubba with them two
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the
journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates.
I got it for my husband."
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade"
An elderly couple visit McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one
order of french fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger
and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out
the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one
pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the
cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
says they are just fine - They are used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a
bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes
turns sipping the drink. Again the young man comes over and begs them
to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says "No,
thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has
yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "What is it you are waiting
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..."
Then the power goes out..
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan: Just Do It. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because: It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford. Because: Quality is Job 1."
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
> A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
>A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
>The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
What happened to him?"
>The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
>The woman answered, "My mother-in-law.
>She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
>Can I borrow the dog?" The woman with the coffee asked.
WORDS WOMEN USE
This is sound advice for all you men out here!
Don't ever say I do not give you anything!
Here's the lesson :
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she
is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she
wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint.
Just say you're welcome.
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@%%^%^ YOU!
Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate,Maria.
During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be
So he sends his Mom an email:
I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my
house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it, I'm just saying that it has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner.
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Mama:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But
the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"