Home > Biker Forums > Message board > Texas Chili CookOff Commentary...Funny Previous topic Next topic
Jump to:
Texas Chili CookOff Commentary...Funny
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Mon, Aug 08, 2005 13:43

Chili Cookoff

For those of you who have
lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off That takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobst Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shet, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shet-faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*tch
is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ferted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pizzes me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian
Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- I shet myself when I ferted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that sl*t Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my asz with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shet to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just s*ck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Wed, Aug 10, 2005 06:52

Now we're gonna get in a tug-o-war over Weenie. We need her here in Sturgis, It's been raining all week getting here from California and we sure could use some of that 1st place chili here to dry out.

Just go easy on the habaneros and cayennes, OK?



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Aug 09, 2005 12:42


Weenie write:

angelrider800 write:

Bear6664 write:
hey I thought you were following angel t o Bikemans , I want first place chilli please

Oh, now he's gonna kiss up!


Angel honey, you know that won't work with me! What was that you called me this morning!! That's my first name!!!

LMAO!! You're too much g/f! Watch it Bear...

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Aug 09, 2005 11:27


angelrider800 write:

Bear6664 write:
hey I thought you were following angel t o Bikemans , I want first place chilli please

Oh, now he's gonna kiss up!


Angel honey, you know that won't work with me! What was that you called me this morning!! That's my first name!!!



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Aug 09, 2005 10:57


Bear6664 write:
hey I thought you were following angel t o Bikemans , I want first place chilli please

Oh, now he's gonna kiss up!

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Aug 09, 2005 08:16


seeme1st write:

Weenie write:
LOL, I have seen that one before! I have actually been in three different Chili Cook-offs in Ocala, Florida, placed first in two of them and second in the third. It was a blast!!


and your not going to Char's---we are missing some good chili cooking


wished I could, I would certainly cook a mess of it up!



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Aug 09, 2005 08:06


Weenie write:
LOL, I have seen that one before! I have actually been in three different Chili Cook-offs in Ocala, Florida, placed first in two of them and second in the third. It was a blast!!


and your not going to Char's---we are missing some good chili cooking



Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share
Available only
to logged in members
Posted on Tue, Aug 09, 2005 08:01

LOL, I have seen that one before! I have actually been in three different Chili Cook-offs in Ocala, Florida, placed first in two of them and second in the third. It was a blast!!

  


Reply / add comments      Quote      Report abuse   Bookmark and Share