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Posted on Mon, Sep 26, 2005 21:20


beatitudes_5 write:

verdaineg write:
Is it just me or do other widows and widowers get the same feelings. As a man I have the following perceptions about women now. I would never have dreamed this but it is my feeling now.

If a guy is lieing about being married or never says up front that he is married, ladies will talk with him, date him, go to bed with him, even fall in love with him. Sometimes even after they find out he is married.

If a guy is recently separated, ladies will talk with him, date him, go to bed with him, even fall in love with him.

If a guy is recently divorced, ladies will talk with him, date him, go to bed with him, even fall in love with him.

but... If a man is a widower. Ladies are scared of him. They are afraid he will compare her to his deceased loved one. They say you need more time to grieve. They want you to date around and even are okay if you sleep around so you are sure you are not just rebounding. They are afraid you are just trying to fill a void.

Are we not all trying to fill a void if we are looking for love? Are we not all in need of someone to hold, to love, to be soulmates with? Are we not all human beings with feelings? Wheather we are divorced or widowed or just single.

What do other widows and widowers think? What are your experiences?

i became a widow at 34 years old, my husband dieing of brain cancer for seven years and the kids 4 and 5 when it started.... and the whole thing with this "stigma" is one has to make it clear that the past life was another life time ago, tucked into another realm of our lives that we once lived and you have to let the other person know that you would never compare one to the other because it is not fair to either....when i first became a widow, i would have guys come up to me and say to me "oh, your a widow, you must be horney bitch by now"...no chit they really did, was ripped out several times, ect.....and women feared me because they thought i wanted to take their husbands, and would try and start so much shit which of course came from their insercurties, not mine...it's a hard road to travel and adjust to...as for people fearing you being a widow/widower, some will in some sence always feel that way because of ignorance and old wives tales, but there are also the good ones who understand and are willing to love you for who and what you are and not want you to forget the past, because after all the past has made us who we are.....i don't know, it's been a long time for me and i met good and bad along the way, we really are just like everyone else....now except for the idiot who once said to me "well, at least you know your husband died loving you and didn't walk out on you"....yea, she was a good one.....lmao....love c-omes from all angles and situations...just trust wisely, that was the hardest for me, because i went into the "mans" world-and no chit guys because it is a mans world- with eyes wide shut, and it was quite an eye openner and i didn't like it very much, but it made me strong and to some, yes, a bitch, but i had to fight for my family and kids all the time it seemed....there are alot of people who can give emathy (sp)but if they havn't experienced it, they honestly don't know what ones goes thru, the strength of thoes feelings of pain, hate, fear, ect. are so frighting, and what we will do to try and escape thoes feelings...so alot of judgments are made and come into play...i only trusted the ones who said "i can't say i understand, because i don't"...i avoided the ones like the plauge who said "i know how you feel"....but we do survive and continue to live, and there does come a day that it is ok to live again......one must never forget that or feel guilt or shame for it, and for me that was the hardest to allow myself to accept that and took many, many years to get there and many a hard road.....ohhhh, i just babble, babble, babble.....lol......



Thank you for your input beautitudes. I understand what you went through. Sweet Pea had melanoma but she had 25 tumors in her brain. That is what got her in the end. I appreciate your courage and what you did with him and for him. I am glad you are out and about now. Life does go on and he, like Sweet Pea want us to be happy and find love again. They would not want us to be alone.
May you find the one who understands your grief, wants your love, and knows your heart.



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Posted on Mon, Sep 26, 2005 21:09


good2go write:
WOW,,,I am a recent widow my husband died without warning May of this year. I am new at this widow thing and by the way, it sucks!!! However I haven't had anyone shy away from be because of my status. If anything it's been the opposite, so maybe it's a gender thing? Don't know just guessing. I will tell you this though...I have started relationships thinking that i was 'ready', and i wasn't.For the ones who have dealt with loss the way that i am, your words are touching and i wish all of you the best! By the way, thank you for starting this topic, every little bit helps.



Sorry for your loss good2go. May your nights be filled with wonderful memories of your time with him and just as wonderful new experiences with the kind of man you wish to be with. When you are ready, you will be ready.. It is on your time. I know what it is like to sit in an empty house. It is no longer a home. The two hearts joined as one make the home. You will have that again. Keep the faith. Keep the smile. Keep the heart ready to share again.



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Posted on Mon, Sep 26, 2005 16:30


verdaineg write:
Is it just me or do other widows and widowers get the same feelings. As a man I have the following perceptions about women now. I would never have dreamed this but it is my feeling now.

If a guy is lieing about being married or never says up front that he is married, ladies will talk with him, date him, go to bed with him, even fall in love with him. Sometimes even after they find out he is married.

If a guy is recently separated, ladies will talk with him, date him, go to bed with him, even fall in love with him.

If a guy is recently divorced, ladies will talk with him, date him, go to bed with him, even fall in love with him.

but... If a man is a widower. Ladies are scared of him. They are afraid he will compare her to his deceased loved one. They say you need more time to grieve. They want you to date around and even are okay if you sleep around so you are sure you are not just rebounding. They are afraid you are just trying to fill a void.

Are we not all trying to fill a void if we are looking for love? Are we not all in need of someone to hold, to love, to be soulmates with? Are we not all human beings with feelings? Wheather we are divorced or widowed or just single.

What do other widows and widowers think? What are your experiences?

i became a widow at 34 years old, my husband dieing of brain cancer for seven years and the kids 4 and 5 when it started.... and the whole thing with this "stigma" is one has to make it clear that the past life was another life time ago, tucked into another realm of our lives that we once lived and you have to let the other person know that you would never compare one to the other because it is not fair to either....when i first became a widow, i would have guys come up to me and say to me "oh, your a widow, you must be horney bitch by now"...no chit they really did, was ripped out several times, ect.....and women feared me because they thought i wanted to take their husbands, and would try and start so much shit which of course came from their insercurties, not mine...it's a hard road to travel and adjust to...as for people fearing you being a widow/widower, some will in some sence always feel that way because of ignorance and old wives tales, but there are also the good ones who understand and are willing to love you for who and what you are and not want you to forget the past, because after all the past has made us who we are.....i don't know, it's been a long time for me and i met good and bad along the way, we really are just like everyone else....now except for the idiot who once said to me "well, at least you know your husband died loving you and didn't walk out on you"....yea, she was a good one.....lmao....love c-omes from all angles and situations...just trust wisely, that was the hardest for me, because i went into the "mans" world-and no chit guys because it is a mans world- with eyes wide shut, and it was quite an eye openner and i didn't like it very much, but it made me strong and to some, yes, a bitch, but i had to fight for my family and kids all the time it seemed....there are alot of people who can give emathy (sp)but if they havn't experienced it, they honestly don't know what ones goes thru, the strength of thoes feelings of pain, hate, fear, ect. are so frighting, and what we will do to try and escape thoes feelings...so alot of judgments are made and come into play...i only trusted the ones who said "i can't say i understand, because i don't"...i avoided the ones like the plauge who said "i know how you feel"....but we do survive and continue to live, and there does come a day that it is ok to live again......one must never forget that or feel guilt or shame for it, and for me that was the hardest to allow myself to accept that and took many, many years to get there and many a hard road.....ohhhh, i just babble, babble, babble.....lol......



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Posted on Mon, Sep 26, 2005 14:49

I think timing though is important for dating someone who is widowed or divorced. I would not be afraid to be in a relationship with someone who is widowed & I would not treat that person any differently because they are widowed. I dated a man who had lost his wife very suddenly. It was so very sad. Our relationship didn't last because for one, I was just recently divorced & for two, he had just recently lost his wife. He was still going through grieving classes but felt he was ready to date. Our relationship I felt was moving way too fast in the few months that we dated & I suggested that we slow things down. One month later he met another woman. One month later they were engaged. One year later they were married. I'm sorry...that's way too fast & I feel he was looking for a replacement for his wife. When I was first divorced, I wouldn't listen to advise from friends about dating too soon. I'm approaching 5 years of being divorced this January & looking back? My friends' advise was good advise. I feel it's the same when someone loses a loved one. Your heart needs time to heal.

  


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Posted on Sat, Sep 24, 2005 07:23


FastFurious1 write:
I've experienced the sudden death ordeal with my long-time boyfriend. I talked to him 6 hrs before he died, and I would give anything to get that day back, but in REALITY, that never happens. I am so glad I had the chance to love and to be loved that much. Some men are intimidated when they know you've loved someone hard. It's almost like they feel like they aren't good enough to try. Like maybe you'll never love them like that. Maybe yes, maybe no, but I can't stop living just because he did. It's one year this Sunday, and it's still hard. You never forget.


Sorry to hear of your loss. I know we will never forget. I must say it is good to hear that men can be that sensitive to your loss in a way. But, at the same time they need to understand that your life really does go on and you have normal human desires, wants and needs. They need to also understand that widows and widowers can love again just as much if not more. It will be different but just as deep. Keep the faith, keep smilin', look for the butterflies along the road to a wonderful new relationship, sweet lady.



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Posted on Fri, Sep 23, 2005 21:46

You should never forget the one that you have loved and lost.But if you meet that special person you should never compare or judge them with your ex,it's not fair ,sets up expectations that more than likely cannot be met.Everyone is different ,that is what makes us who we are.My wife that passed was my high school sweetheart,so when I was ready to start dating it was a bit intimidating,since I had not dated anyone since high school,but I met some good people and I have great friends.Haven't met that one person yet but am very comfortable with my life.For those that have met the one ,congrats ,glad for ya.I'm still traveling down that road ,living life,when I get to the stop sign where the one is waiting ,I'll look up into the stars and smile,because I know thats what my wife would want.For my kids and I to be happy.



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Posted on Thu, Sep 22, 2005 07:03

Thanks Nodey, will go slow any easy and just see how things pan out.
Glad to hear that you and whiskey are back in good talking terms- by the way, you to both did a super bang up job on how you handled yourselves while things were a bit on the rocks.
Really made us all proud- no mudslinging etc....
Hope all works out for you also.
Dusty



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Posted on Thu, Sep 22, 2005 05:57

I've experienced the sudden death ordeal with my long-time boyfriend. I talked to him 6 hrs before he died, and I would give anything to get that day back, but in REALITY, that never happens. I am so glad I had the chance to love and to be loved that much. Some men are intimidated when they know you've loved someone hard. It's almost like they feel like they aren't good enough to try. Like maybe you'll never love them like that. Maybe yes, maybe no, but I can't stop living just because he did. It's one year this Sunday, and it's still hard. You never forget.



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 22:37


Nodey write:

thunderunderme write:
As far as I know I have not been spurned or shunned b/c I am a widow.
I would not be interested in a married man but as far as separated I would need to hear the details as I got to know the person.
Seeing a widower (that he is one) would have no bearing on my interest.

Comparing another to our late spouse is no different than comparing to an ex is it? It is only natural to compare people. If someone is saying that is the reason they are not interested perhaps it is not the real reason.



I agree Char. I think people perceive the ones who have passed as being "different" than the living.They see them as saints because of the hand they have been dealt.We see them as people whose shoes we cannot possibly fill . Death has a funny way of bringing on confusing emotions in all of us.

Sorry Dane. I know I'm not a widow.But in my line of work,I see and talk to people who have lost a spouse all the time. Just my take on it.


No need to be sorry Nodey. You input is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

No one should ever try to fill a person who has passed shoes. They cannot do it. The new person is a person unto themselves. There can never be a comparison. Each person on this beautiful earth has their own mind, heart, and soul. I think the person I have met here on BK has just as perfect a mind, heart, and soul as the person I was with before. She is different but just as beautiful in her own way. I feel that way now and I will feel that way a hundred years from now. I don't want her to be anything but who she is. A Golden Sun burning off the mist of an autumn mornin' in this beautiful land of ours.

I know there are other widows and widowers out there. Please give us your take on this subject.



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 22:14


DustyDog308 write:
Damn, looks like there's a few of us in the same boat anyway. Not alot, but a few.
Glad Jerry, that something is really going well for you!
Met someone myself this weekend and might be going back out agin soon.
Yup, had to get into the hows, whys, how long agos etc... of my wifes death.
But V dude, she seemed to understand that all is well with me and hopefully all can go as normal as it would for any other catagory- divorced,single,seperated etc....
Will keep you up to snuff on how things pan out and wish you all well,
Dusty



Congrats T. Keep us informed! Love and luck to you.



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 22:13


thunderunderme write:
As far as I know I have not been spurned or shunned b/c I am a widow.
I would not be interested in a married man but as far as separated I would need to hear the details as I got to know the person.
Seeing a widower (that he is one) would have no bearing on my interest.

Comparing another to our late spouse is no different than comparing to an ex is it? It is only natural to compare people. If someone is saying that is the reason they are not interested perhaps it is not the real reason.



I agree Char. I think people perceive the ones who have passed as being "different" than the living.They see them as saints because of the hand they have been dealt.We see them as people whose shoes we cannot possibly fill . Death has a funny way of bringing on confusing emotions in all of us.

Sorry Dane. I know I'm not a widow.But in my line of work,I see and talk to people who have lost a spouse all the time. Just my take on it.



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 21:44

I'm happy for you....I guess your heart has spoken



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 16:46


Roxie0215 write:
Well..in the divorce world I've heard it said for every 3 to 4 years you were married, you should stay single a year. I was married for 15 years, so I hit the big 5 year "anniversary" this year and I feel I'm ready, so I guess the same would apply. But each person is different,you'll just know in your heart


Interesting input. Thank you.

I don't think there is a time limit or requirement. I think it is what goes on in your heart, mind and soul. I think when your heart is ready, you know it. I am glad you are finally ready to find a soulmate. Too bad it took so much time to get there. Think of the wonderful time a soulmate of yours and you could have been having.

I am ready now to be with my new soulmate. We were married for 9 months but we were together for 12 years. Two of those were LDR years.

I am ready now to be with my new soulmate. My heart is ready now. My mind is ready now. My soul is ready now. There will never be comparisons, expectations, or anything but love from me.



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 15:36

Well..in the divorce world I've heard it said for every 3 to 4 years you were married, you should stay single a year. I was married for 15 years, so I hit the big 5 year "anniversary" this year and I feel I'm ready, so I guess the same would apply. But each person is different,you'll just know in your heart



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 14:27


Roxie0215 write:
I would'nt look twice at a profile that said married or seperated, but I would if it said widowed. As long as he has had time to heal and is ready to be in a relationship.
I'm sorry for those who have lost love ones, I can't imagine the pain.



Thanks for your input Roxie. What would you consider time to heal?



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 11:01


thunderunderme write:
As far as I know I have not been spurned or shunned b/c I am a widow.
I would not be interested in a married man but as far as separated I would need to hear the details as I got to know the person.
Seeing a widower (that he is one) would have no bearing on my interest.

Comparing another to our late spouse is no different than comparing to an ex is it? It is only natural to compare people. If someone is saying that is the reason they are not interested perhaps it is not the real reason.



Howdy Char. It is good to see ya back here again. Wish I could have made your party. Heard it was a lot of fun.

I understand where you come from. But, a lot of ladies think that if you are comparing an ex it is usually all the bad things you saw in your ex and they can "compete" with that. When they think you may compare them to your lost love it is about good things and they are afraid they may not be able to "compete" with that.

I don't think matters of the heart are comparable and definately not a competition.

I think everyone has a different time schedule for moving on. But, those that have not been there think that the time should be at least some specific time on a calendar. Each situation is different and each widow/widower moves on at their own pace.

Keep smilin'. Keep Thunder under you as much as possible, with your knees in the breeze and a grin on your chin. Love ya sis.



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 09:46

As far as I know I have not been spurned or shunned b/c I am a widow.
I would not be interested in a married man but as far as separated I would need to hear the details as I got to know the person.
Seeing a widower (that he is one) would have no bearing on my interest.

Comparing another to our late spouse is no different than comparing to an ex is it? It is only natural to compare people. If someone is saying that is the reason they are not interested perhaps it is not the real reason.



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Posted on Wed, Sep 21, 2005 08:21

I would'nt look twice at a profile that said married or seperated, but I would if it said widowed. As long as he has had time to heal and is ready to be in a relationship.
I'm sorry for those who have lost love ones, I can't imagine the pain.

  


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Posted on Tue, Sep 20, 2005 07:50

I hope it goes well for both of you. I have found a wonderful lady on here and we have spent some time together also but she is afraid of a lot of things. Some are my issues and some are hers. I am patient. I will wait. She is worth the wait. She will work through things over time. I know in my heart she will.



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Posted on Mon, Sep 19, 2005 19:57

Damn, looks like there's a few of us in the same boat anyway. Not alot, but a few.
Glad Jerry, that something is really going well for you!
Met someone myself this weekend and might be going back out agin soon.
Yup, had to get into the hows, whys, how long agos etc... of my wifes death.
But V dude, she seemed to understand that all is well with me and hopefully all can go as normal as it would for any other catagory- divorced,single,seperated etc....
Will keep you up to snuff on how things pan out and wish you all well,
Dusty



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