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Posted on Wed, Oct 05, 2005 08:20

My personal feelings are these...I believe that no matter how "prepared" you feel you are when you know that a loved one is dying or even if it's sudden...You're still never really prepared...it's still so very hard & heartbreaking & you still miss that person with all your heart & soul...
Hugs to all of you...

  


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Posted on Wed, Oct 05, 2005 08:15

My loss was sudden, but not completely unexpected. Does that make any sense? We knew something was wrong, but we couldn't put our finger on it.

This considered, I am convinced that there would have been no way to prepare for the loss. How do you prepare for a train wreck (not literally) even if you see it approaching???



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Posted on Tue, Oct 04, 2005 22:55

Dakota...I had a year to talk to my first hubby. I took care of him for the year. We took the time to let each other know what we wanted donein case of the "wht ifs". The "what of" happened and I was prepared. It was not an easy thing to go through but talking to my hubby helped a lot. he took the decisions he knew I would have to make and he made them easier for me. While the difficult situation and the loss of my hubby did not change.....I was more prepared than if we had not talked about anything at all. While the subject of death is not easy, and most people do think they are immortal and will live forever...reality is......it just does not happen. Death needs to be an issue that is talked about. I know you will be okay and that when the time is right, you will find love and you will be ready to love! All the best to you Dakota!

  


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Posted on Tue, Oct 04, 2005 20:21

I've been reading this particular thread since the beginning... some very wise words being spoken here... those of you that 'know' me, know that my loss was sudden and violent... we never spoke about what we wished for each other upon the death of one of us... I think we thought we'd both live forever... maybe it sounds crazy, but I now know how important it is to discuss the "what ifs"... it's been nearly 5 years and sometimes I still find myself wondering what he'd expect of me... I'm sure he'd want me to move on and be happy... that's certainly what I'd want for him had the situation been reversed... but if I had heard him actually SAY those words, that haunting question would have never been an issue... just my 1 1/2 cents worth... xo to you all.. Blu

  


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Posted on Tue, Oct 04, 2005 13:46

Finally got my picture back from BK!

verdaineg - thank you for the kind words; your ideas kind'a made me see things from a different angle.

Amen to the last two postings; the mind & heart have a lot of capacity, therefore I am able to enjoy the people I meet today while remembering the people I am no longer with. It's NOT baggage, it's memories!



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Posted on Mon, Oct 03, 2005 21:10

I just speak from experience and from the heart! I have had many experiences in my life. Its been a hard road but I have come through it a much stronger person. I know this...its now time to find the one special person to share my life with. I know this will happen, until then, I will meet people, get hurt (i am sure of it) and learn. I wish you all the best!

  


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Posted on Mon, Oct 03, 2005 20:59


strvoygr write:
Its been 11 1/2 years since my first husband passed away. I met my second one online. We are divorced after 10 years of marriage. I did not have any of the problems that others may have had with dating, of course, the second hubby and I met after talking for 6 months. We were married 6 months later. I will say this; being a widower or widow is very hard. You never forget that person you loved. I never do, all I have to do is look at my children and see their father and my first husband. That however doe not mean that I compare him to other men. It does mean that I loved him. I have room in my heart to love another person and I am not afraid to do that! Life is too short. Whether you are divrrced, widowed or single, heck even seprated, I say just be honest, tell it like it is and let the new person you are meeting know that you are ready to love. While the person you lost will always be with you, you can love again and without comparison. If they can't accept that, then it just means they were not meant for you! There are people out there who can accept your situation. It takes time to find the right one..be patient, they will come to you! Oh, by the way, I am single now and ready to love again. Will I compare? No way!!!! Just ready to share my life and love with someone special!


I divorced my first wife and all of my kids were with her. My wife that passed away will always be a part of my heart and life that are wonderful. I will never compare anyone to her or my first wife. I am ready to love again. I have a lot of love to give. Time is running out and my wife knew that. She told me over and over.. Go.. find someone new and love her and treat her the way you have treated me. No one understands that now. If I were divorced and my wife were still giving me hassles people would still probably not have a problem with dating but tell them you are divorced and they get confused and scared. But, I am a patient man. Even though I don't want to wait til I am in a rockin' chair on th' front porch. I will if I have to. lol.. right now I am just havin' fun and meetin' lots of new friends and sisters. There is one that has my heart. I hope she and I will be one someday. If not, I hope she is happy and finds the right person. Thank you very much for your post. It is filled with wisdom and love.

  


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Posted on Mon, Oct 03, 2005 16:09

Its been 11 1/2 years since my first husband passed away. I met my second one online. We are divorced after 10 years of marriage. I did not have any of the problems that others may have had with dating, of course, the second hubby and I met after talking for 6 months. We were married 6 months later. I will say this; being a widower or widow is very hard. You never forget that person you loved. I never do, all I have to do is look at my children and see their father and my first husband. That however doe not mean that I compare him to other men. It does mean that I loved him. I have room in my heart to love another person and I am not afraid to do that! Life is too short. Whether you are divrrced, widowed or single, heck even seprated, I say just be honest, tell it like it is and let the new person you are meeting know that you are ready to love. While the person you lost will always be with you, you can love again and without comparison. If they can't accept that, then it just means they were not meant for you! There are people out there who can accept your situation. It takes time to find the right one..be patient, they will come to you! Oh, by the way, I am single now and ready to love again. Will I compare? No way!!!! Just ready to share my life and love with someone special!



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Posted on Mon, Oct 03, 2005 07:41

Hugs to all of you here...

  


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Posted on Mon, Oct 03, 2005 07:12


expander1 write:
My dreams are almost surrealistic. The dreams are so real sometimes that I am tempted to see a psychic for a seance!


expander, my heart goes out to you. My dreams of Sweet Pea have subsided for the most part. She is almost finished with her work with me. She will check on me periodically but she has other work to do.
May your dreams be filled with hope, compasion, information, and good memories.
Dane



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Posted on Mon, Oct 03, 2005 07:09


DoubleDelight write:
Widow and Widowers post only please.
Verdaineg,
Hi! Was avoiding this thread because of the above line. Knew I would be tempted to post in compassion. Finally came in and- can't stop myself! Apologizing first... Sharing now:
Liars: To the Curb!
Married:Forget it
Seperated:Wait till later
Divorced: Are they really Healed enough and ready to love again?
Widowed: See divorced.
Good communication is always the key. Knowing one's own heart: the gateway.

Santana concert at Red Rocks and the wonderful hugs and compassion/All you shared-awesome. Thanks for this beautiful thread and all you have given to others through your kind words.
Recently: Waking from a dream already reaching for the Fone to call my mom. I had been dreaming about my son-young and innocently happy in the dream-19 now in real time- my brother(alsomy best friend)-alive in the dream-but died at 19, my mom-happy in the dream! Alas, now alive only in the hearts of those who loved her. My hand fell back on the comforter, calling out only from my heart for all of those who have gone, and all who mourn them. I made a resolution -again-in that moment. To b all I can, and 2 live for them, give for them, and ride free in the wind. We are all Riders on the Storm.
Thanks/Hugs for every one who has posted here. Hugs for those who can only lurk for now.

DD


Ride free DD. Thank you for posting. I probably should not have requested this be for widows and widowers only. Your post is beautiful.
Thanks,
Dane



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Posted on Mon, Oct 03, 2005 06:28

DD and expander.....that's kinda neat you have dreams.....after all this time i only had three that i can remember........i won't go into it but after his death and all the drugs, etoh, and anything ingestable to get away from the pain, after 5 years i finally got help, and i remember the councler telling me that until i was able to deal with the pain i won't be able to have any dreams because my mind has burried him so deep that i won't let him come out because my mind couldn't handle it.....i think of that from time to time, and wonder if he was right, or maybe i dream and just don't remember it..........i guess it's just one of thoes things that happens with death and we deal with it as it happens....and dd, post here anytime, i like reading what you write, you always write such nice heart lelt things..........

  


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Posted on Sun, Oct 02, 2005 13:02

My dreams are almost surrealistic. The dreams are so real sometimes that I am tempted to see a psychic for a seance!



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Posted on Sun, Oct 02, 2005 11:51

Widow and Widowers post only please.
Verdaineg,
Hi! Was avoiding this thread because of the above line. Knew I would be tempted to post in compassion. Finally came in and- can't stop myself! Apologizing first... Sharing now:
Liars: To the Curb!
Married:Forget it
Seperated:Wait till later
Divorced: Are they really Healed enough and ready to love again?
Widowed: See divorced.
Good communication is always the key. Knowing one's own heart: the gateway.

Santana concert at Red Rocks and the wonderful hugs and compassion/All you shared-awesome. Thanks for this beautiful thread and all you have given to others through your kind words.
Recently: Waking from a dream already reaching for the Fone to call my mom. I had been dreaming about my son-young and innocently happy in the dream-19 now in real time- my brother(alsomy best friend)-alive in the dream-but died at 19, my mom-happy in the dream! Alas, now alive only in the hearts of those who loved her. My hand fell back on the comforter, calling out only from my heart for all of those who have gone, and all who mourn them. I made a resolution -again-in that moment. To b all I can, and 2 live for them, give for them, and ride free in the wind. We are all Riders on the Storm.
Thanks/Hugs for every one who has posted here. Hugs for those who can only lurk for now.

DD

  


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Posted on Sat, Oct 01, 2005 15:25


expander1 write:

Cougar2005 write:
I've experienced the sudden death ordeal with my long-time boyfriend. I talked to him 6 hrs before he died, and I would give anything to get that day back, but in REALITY, that never happens. I am so glad I had the chance to love and to be loved that much. Some men are intimidated when they know you've loved someone hard. It's almost like they feel like they aren't good enough to try. Like maybe you'll never love them like that. Maybe yes, maybe no, but I can't stop living just because he did. It's one year this Sunday, and it's still hard. You never forget.



Likewise on the sudden death thing; got the call at work. Hurts to remember, hurts to forget. What doesn't hurt is meeting new people ... and the inevitable "How long has it been?" is always a crucial point in the conversation.

cougar....your right you never forget, and you mentioned sun. is the one year mark.....you need to hug your self and give your self a pat on the back and tell your self you survived one year.......there is no time limit on the pain or feelings, they come and go at the oddest times and at different levels of pain, like a damm kalipescope....it has been 17 years for me, and this is the first time in my life that i love another man.....i never realized i even had that left in me, but to my suprize it was there, i guess the right person had to come along...i had been in relationships in the past, but something was always missing and i never could really figure it out until now....because i do have the ability to love some one again, i now realize that it was love missing in thoes past relationships...i just always figured i cared to the best of my ablity allowed, and inside of me i knew it wasn't good enough for me, so i left figuring i was just going to be alone, but content with the rest of my life, but loving someone and they loving me back, is really quite amazing to me, after all these years......

  


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Posted on Sat, Oct 01, 2005 15:16


jerryw13 write:
Inspiring thoughts, thanks for sharing. Can't help but wonder how much effect this stuff has on those who call, plan and then disappear on us, guys and gals alike. The tough part of dealing with starting over may have some degree of impact on the choices made. Makes me more understanding of those that can't face up to what they've created at any point in their lives. I don't know what they're dealing with, so I shouldn't condemn them for my pain. Like death, there are some choices we aren't prepared to handle.

your right, all the pain is the same, so c-omes (can you beleive i can;t write c-omes) thru the different doors.......



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Posted on Fri, Sep 30, 2005 19:47

Inspiring thoughts, thanks for sharing. Can't help but wonder how much effect this stuff has on those who call, plan and then disappear on us, guys and gals alike. The tough part of dealing with starting over may have some degree of impact on the choices made. Makes me more understanding of those that can't face up to what they've created at any point in their lives. I don't know what they're dealing with, so I shouldn't condemn them for my pain. Like death, there are some choices we aren't prepared to handle.

  


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Posted on Fri, Sep 30, 2005 15:30


Cougar2005 write:
I've experienced the sudden death ordeal with my long-time boyfriend. I talked to him 6 hrs before he died, and I would give anything to get that day back, but in REALITY, that never happens. I am so glad I had the chance to love and to be loved that much. Some men are intimidated when they know you've loved someone hard. It's almost like they feel like they aren't good enough to try. Like maybe you'll never love them like that. Maybe yes, maybe no, but I can't stop living just because he did. It's one year this Sunday, and it's still hard. You never forget.



Likewise on the sudden death thing; got the call at work. Hurts to remember, hurts to forget. What doesn't hurt is meeting new people ... and the inevitable "How long has it been?" is always a crucial point in the conversation.



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Posted on Fri, Sep 30, 2005 12:03

It takes time, there is no set limit of how long you should wait. Your heart will tell you when it is time to move on. I have been a widow for 18 years and it took me quite a whlle before I wanted back into the dating world. I was married for 28 years and it is very hard to loose your spouse and I was only 46.He was active duty Navy and on Submarine when he had his first heart attack at 38. Needless to say the Navy retired him. We are put on this earth for a certain time and only God know when that time is up. No one can ever take his place and I am not trying to replace "him". I am wanting to start over fresh with someone new. Married men are not in the picture and wouldn't date one. I have only met and talked to some very nice people on here. I have never had some one not talk or date me just because I am a widow. You have to move on with your life and live for the living, not the dead. God is a very good healer.



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Posted on Thu, Sep 29, 2005 10:51


verdaineg write:
Thanks beautitudes. I know you understand. I also know that these postings are good for me.. I know there are others reading this string that also know. I wish they would all jump in here and give their two cents. It is helpin' me and I bet it would help them. Soooooo.. Post please. Let it out.. Then ride a little freer than you have been. Ride, have fun and hug those you ride with.. They may need it. Hug them when you meet up with them for allowing you into the moment and hug them at the end of the ride to hold them over til the next.

yes, there are alot of us out here, and they will jump in, each in their own time....when they do we shall be here............is this a hug girlie, or am i seeing wrong?.....lol....anyway......HUGS

  


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