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Posted on Tue, Jan 17, 2006 08:46

A Bad Day

There's a guy sitting at a biker bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making biker steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The biker says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

  


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Posted on Tue, Jan 17, 2006 07:45

Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lic*k Maneuver," but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it."

(Hmmmm....BK censors the word l.i.c.k.)



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Posted on Tue, Jan 17, 2006 07:31

Happily Married Biker

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"



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Posted on Mon, Jan 16, 2006 16:58

Don't Disgrace The Family

A young girl was going on a date.

Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about young boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted.

"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace our family.

When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family."

Granny fainted!



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Posted on Mon, Jan 16, 2006 14:15

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought is was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him
if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of
course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on
his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thankyou,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my
birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen and wrote his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

...

  


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Posted on Sun, Jan 15, 2006 18:43

A man exiting a grocery store was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying, "Good evening!" Her face was beaming.

At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look.

He couldn't remember having ever seen her before.

Then she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized.

She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children."

She walked on her way into the store.

The man was left staring dumbfounded after her.

More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children look like."

However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors, but also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children.

A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship?"

"Could it be that I really fathered a child?"

Still stunned, he walked to his car.

He still did not realize, of course, that....

She was a second grade teacher.



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Posted on Sat, Jan 14, 2006 07:59

A three-year-old boy was examining his tes*ticles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

  


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Posted on Fri, Jan 13, 2006 06:47

The "F" Word


(Correct use of the "F" word) When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history when the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.


They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938




7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926




6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC




5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566




4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937




3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my azz!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!




1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003



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Posted on Thu, Jan 12, 2006 13:35

Miss Manners (Rural Edition)



IN GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to an interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.



DINING OUT

1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago"

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.



MOVIE THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.



WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession



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Posted on Thu, Jan 12, 2006 07:42

Two families moved from Pakistan to the USA. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuc*k you, towel head."

  


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Posted on Thu, Jan 12, 2006 07:27

NHTSA did a study of what transpires in the last seconds before a crash. They found that in 90% of the accidents, the last words uttered were "Oh, SH1T". In the remaining 10%, which happened exclusively in Ark, Ok and Tx, the last words uttered were "Here, hold my beer, I wanna try this!"



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Posted on Thu, Jan 12, 2006 06:53

A little old lady goes to a physician, saying, Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and I sneak them out silently. As a matter of fact, I've far*ted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was far*ting because I do it with no noise and they don't have any aroma.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

When she returns she says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me but its awful. I still break wind without any noise but the stink could kill you."

The doctor says, "Excellent. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(......Awwww BK took that lil barfing smiley guy away......)

  


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Posted on Wed, Jan 11, 2006 08:07

Oh this'll make ya laugh.....

See if you can get to level 4...... I did.....

See how steady your hand is.... Just don't hit the walls on the side of the maze, or you'll have to start over again at the beginning.....

Have fun........

w w w.winterrowd.*com/maze.swf

(Take out the spaces and the one asterisk*)

.....

  


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Posted on Tue, Jan 10, 2006 10:52

There's a large lake in the middle of the woods. 6" above the water is a fly circling around and around. Well, under the water is a fish watching the fly buzz round and round. He thinks to himself, "You know, if thaT FLY DROPS 6", i COULD JUMP OUT OF THE WATER, SNATCH THE FLY AND HAVE ME A REALLY GOOD SNACK". At the edge of the lake, up the hill, is a bear watching this fly buzzing around and around 6" above the water. The bear thinks to himself " If that fly drops 6" , the fish will come up and grab the fly and I could jump up and grab the fish and have me a really good meal"
further up the hill is a hunter hiding behind a tree. He's watching the fly buzz round and round 6" above the water and he thinks to himself, "if that fly drops 6". the fish will jump up and get the fly, the bear will jump out and get the fish, then I could come out from behind the tree, shoot the bear and have me a really good meal"
Behind the hunter is a mouse hiding in a bush. The mouse is watching all that's going on and says to himself, "You know,if that fly drops 6" the fish will jump up to get the fly, the bear will jump to get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, then I can run out and eat the sandwich the hunter has and have me a really good meal".
Behind the mouse, further up the hill is a cat, watching all the goings on. He thinks to himself, " You know, if the fly drops 6", the fish will come out of the water, get the fly, the bear will come and get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will come out to get the sandwich and I will jump on the mouse and have me a really good meal"
Well, that fly is buzzing round and round above the water and all of a sudden, he drops 6". The fish gets the fly, the bear comes out and gets the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse comes and gets the sandwich, and the cat JUMPS out to get the mouse, MISSES , and goes tumbling down the hill and falls into the water.....

Moral of the story???

Everytime a fly drops 6" a pu$$y gets wet



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Posted on Mon, Jan 09, 2006 14:47

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed
their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

"comfortable?"


The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
very slowly...........com-for-da-bull



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Posted on Sun, Jan 08, 2006 20:57

SUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

I am screaming! HYSTERICAL!

  


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Posted on Sun, Jan 08, 2006 12:31

Freddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his pe*nis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Freddie asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his pe*nis, and hope for the best.

Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having se*x again is even scarier, so he says OK.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Freddie takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Freddie starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his pe*nis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my a*s*s."

  


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Posted on Fri, Jan 06, 2006 07:14

Dapper Dan had a sweet custom pan, that had of all things, an external leak. When ever it rained Dan would have to spread a thin layer of Vaseline on the valve covers to protect them from the rain, so he always carried a large jar of Vaseline in his coat.

As Dan picked up his ol lady to finally go for a dinner at her parents house, she explained the dinner rules. My folks are a little strange, but while we are eating dinner, please do not talk. My parents have been doing this for years and the one who talks first does the dishes.

Not a problem, he didn't want to do no f'ing dishes.

When they walked into the parents house he could see dishes everywhere, stacked in the kitchen, on the floor, on the counters, in the sink and the same in the front room.

After 5 minutes into dinner Dan started to get bored. He's sitting at the dinner table with his ol lady and her parents and no body was saying a word.

Dan thought, chit, the broad ain't worth all that, so with out saying a word he got up grabbed his ol lady jerked down her levis and did her on the dinner table. Not a word was said.

As the mother brought out desert, Dan thought I'll make you assholes talk and grabbed the mother, hiked up her dress, bent her over the dinning room table and did her. Again not a word was said.

As the mother was pulling her dress down, Dan noticed it had started to rain and ran for his jacket. He pulled out the large jar of Vaseline for his pan. Seeing this new move, the dad jumped up and said, "Alright damn it! I'll do the dishes!"



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Posted on Fri, Jan 06, 2006 06:45

There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona. The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really ill. The first flea asks him why he is so ill. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing." The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is ill again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.



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Posted on Fri, Jan 06, 2006 06:36

A biker walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks "Where are your tampons?" The clerk goes, "Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left." Biker disappears down the aisle and finally, about 45 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, "You know, I know it's none of my business, but I thought you were here for tampons." Biker goes, "Well, last week I sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with ziz zags and tobacco, by God that f ucking b itch can roll her own too."