> A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three bottles of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a bottle goes flat after I open it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way
> He orders three beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two bottles. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church here in Amarillo and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though...?
A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died . The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks late r when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
KinMonmouth write: After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
The problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park
Administrator thought of Bubba
Jones, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for
Cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park
Administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
Gorilla for $500.00?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Bubba said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern> Baptist."
Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Bubba stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are
named Bush, D1ck, and Colon."
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many
customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".The boss says "$101,237.65? What
the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK is that right?"
And the kid answered "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday
night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.
The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for
Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?"
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for
Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the
door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck"
The farmer shot him.
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs,
finds a door open goes in to the room to find a naked pr*stitute asleep
on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing *ral
s3x on the pr*stitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so
good she'll let him finish.
The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for
the door. The pr*stitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to
pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The pr*stitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm
a pr*stitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows
the koala the definition.
PR*STITUTE (n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the
definition of koala bear.
KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
Lord, I have a problem."
>"What's the problem, Eve?"
>"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
>these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
>just not happy."
>"And why is th! at Eve?"
>"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm si*ck to death of apples."
>"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
>"Man? What is that Lord?"
>"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
>All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster
>like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he
>satisfy your physical needs.
>He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
>kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also
>your advice to think properly."
>"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but is
>catch my Lord?"
>"Well... you can have him on one condition."
>"What is that my Lord?"
>"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self admiring... so you'll
! >to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our
>you know, woman to woman."
There's a guy sitting at a biker bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making biker steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The biker says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."