I noticed that there wasn't a section for jokes or silly stuff so with a "Hell Yeah" and a big grin on my face the "Have a laugh" topic was born....
Anyway christmas eve at my house this year was a laugh and a half.
It all started off when Death turned up in a strop.
He's been dating this woman,
but he just found out she's been seen out with Pestilence in Tescos...
Well, ol' Pestilence is at the table
(cheating at scrabble..I can always tell 'cos he gets all the E's).
So a right old dingdong ensues and in the mele¿
Famine takes one on the chin when Death swings a lefty too wide.
'Course, War sits there laughing...
until he clocks that Pestilence has nicked his spot
where he was gonna put a triple scoring word.
So he kicks off too -
but 'cos of all the lager he's had he gets it all wrong
and belts Death one across the bonce -
and I'm in the middle with a plate of chips and a loofah
(don't ask) trying to calm it all down.
I had to throw War out and chuck the dog's water over Death
before it all settled down.
Turns out that Deaths girl was helping Pestilence
buy Death a christmas present.
So Death bursts into tears and does that old
'yer me best mate' routine,
Famine pukes up on the dog
and Pestilence drops THE most godawful fart.
My joke for today:
" The Drunk at the Market"
I was shopping at a local supermarket the other day, where I selected:
A half gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A can of coffee
A package of bacon
As i was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, adrunk standing behind me was watching me as I was placing the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, " you must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I am indeed single.
I looked at the items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the best of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're right, but how did you know that?"
My contribution...God and the bridge
A man was riding his scooter along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded over, and in a booming voice, the Lord said," Because of your sincereeffort to be faithful in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over, and replied, " Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride overthere anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and try to think of something that will benefit mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's giving me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says there's nothing wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Did you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Since most of us are going to the doctor's office a lot, maybe we should try this...since insurance costs are going out of sight!!!
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it..
It takes only ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later , the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor's certificate for your employer."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water , a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for
He then went back to Wal-Mart , eager to test the computer.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer
prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the
journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates.
I got it for my husband."
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade"
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..."
Then the power goes out..
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan: Just Do It. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because: It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford. Because: Quality is Job 1."
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $ 30,000 loan to take a holiday"
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty exsplains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant,"I mean what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone,"
You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are !!!!!!
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to
detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby & picked up as soon as the
movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they cannot hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund &
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is not polite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
One day this guy is eating breakfast and he says to his wife, "Honey, I bet your butt is bigger than the bar-b-Q. As a matter of fact I am going to measure it and see which is bigger. He comes back in, measures her butt and declares that her butt is bigger.
That night he is feeling a bit frisky. He keeps nudging her and finally say, "What's up with you?"
She takes a long, hard look at him and says, "If you think I'm going to put that little wiener on my bar-b-q, you're nuts.
Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a
stress management technique recommended in all the latest
The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person
you're holding underwater......
8. See, you're smiling already.
A friend of mine got his bear license and then went bear hunting. On the fist day a large bear came by and he shot it. It barely hurt the bear and he went to my buddy and said" I am either gonna kill you or f*ck you in the ass" Well not wanting to die he took it like a man then went to the gun store to get a bigger gun. The next day the same bear came by so he shot it. This time the bear took a step back, then went up to my buddy and said " am going to kill you or f*ck you in the ass". That night he went to the gun store and bought an elephant gun. The next day that same bear walked by so he shot him again. This time the bear was knocked by three feet but was still standing. He came over to my buddy and this time he said " you aren't really hunting are you?"
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his beautiful young wife in bed with an older man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler Tickets. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
A man was stranded on a desert island for ten years when a woman in a
scuba suit swims out of the water and onto shore. "How long has it
been since you had a cigar?" she asks. "Ten years" the man replies.
The woman takes a cigar box out of a zipped pocket on her suit and
hands him one. As the man smokes it she say "How long has it been
since you had a drink?" "Ten years" replies the man. She takes a bottle
of tequila out of another pocket. As he drinks she says "Has it also
been ten years since you played around?" "Yep" says the man.
As the woman unzips the front of her suit the man shouts
"No way! You got a set on golf clubs in there too?"