Hey Dane, well Im glad that your moving forward and you are doing well. Time does make things easier and also harder.
Ive been moving on for over 4 years now and have had my share of highs and lows but I do know that Im just getting comfortable being ME. I dont think Im such a complex person but I do think that I need a partner with a HUGE heart and alot of understanding. Something I havent come across yet. I dont know if its a sign of the times but I think alot of people just cant be bothered to work alittle at things - it seems they just want simplicity - one thing I know is that my life isnt simple. Im just living my life and helping my kids to adulthood. These things I can do alone or with a partner but at the moment Im just going solo. BIG HUGS AND KISSES FROM AUSTRALIA - CHEERS CAZZIE
It has been one year for me now. I spent the weekend on the road with a great bunch of brothers and sisters. I rode about 500 smiles and could feel her presence even though a great friend was on the back of my bike. I have been lucky compared to a lot of you I suppose. I dont feel guilt or bad about being with others. She gave me "permission" before she passed and I was standing next to her even the moment she passed. I have met some great people on this site. I hope you all get to know each others hearts. I hope you all take care of each others hearts. Don't hurt each other. Treat each other with respect. Get to know the persons heart before you leap and protect your heart. When you find that right person, give them your heart and protect theirs like it was yours. May you all be happy and may you take time to smell the flowers along the ride. Good luck to all of you.
Cougar2005 write: B-thanks for the advice. You're right, I'm strong, tough, ornery and stubborn, and I think the hardest thing for me, is not understanding how to deal with the feelings, but I guess it's a learning thing. What a horrible thing to have to learn though. I've always been tough enough to take ANYTHING, but this is the only thing that has run me straight and hard into the wall! I know time has a mind of its own, and hopefully it will let me loose one day. Love, hugs and prayers to you B and thanks for the help!
ii hear what your saying of being able to deal with things, but how this has run you right into a wall....i remember saying to my dad a few days after rickey died...me and my dad were out side at night just talking and he was trying to be so nice and said "remember god doesn't give you more then you can handle", and i said to him "this time he did give me to much dad"....oh my poor dad, he rran inside and got me some of thoes little prayer books....i think i scared and worried him....what was weiord was as we were standing there, three shooting stars went across the sky.....it funny but looking back now, little did i know how important thoes stars would become to me....like i said-i stayed wasted for 5 years with more then etoh (if it was ingestable, i took it), and everytime i hit bottom (or so i thought bottom)i thought about thoes shooting stars.......then would pick myself back up for a while.....just hang on real tight, and i promise that thoes walls in your mind will be able to round off the corners, and even let a brick or two out........my thoughts and prayers are with you, you hang tuff girl, you'll make it........
B-thanks for the advice. You're right, I'm strong, tough, ornery and stubborn, and I think the hardest thing for me, is not understanding how to deal with the feelings, but I guess it's a learning thing. What a horrible thing to have to learn though. I've always been tough enough to take ANYTHING, but this is the only thing that has run me straight and hard into the wall! I know time has a mind of its own, and hopefully it will let me loose one day. Love, hugs and prayers to you B and thanks for the help!
Cougar2005 write: OK people, QUESTION: I've learned to deal with the day to day life without him, but when you try to do things that you hope will distract you, how do you explain to whoever you are with that you are trying so hard to live again, and that they need to understand??? I tried the first weekend trip with someone over the Easter weekend, and it was very difficult to maintain control and act like nothing was bothering me. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS? HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT AND BE STRONG????? I tried the counseling thing, and that did not work at all. ADVICE FROM ANYONE??? Thanks, Cougar
hi cougar.........yes, that is a tuff one to handle....i can't tell you how to do it, because we are all different in so many ways but i can maybe tell you how i feel about it and how i did it.....i finally did councling after 5 years of staying drunk after rickey died.....when i was where you are now, i don't think i knew how to deal with it either, one of the many excuses i used for the drinking, but much time has past and i can look back to that time and to be honest i don't think i did deal with it....it seemed the more i tried to distract myself, the more i would think about it...kinda like running away from yourself as fast as you can go, but always finding and bumping in to yourself...just couldn't get away from me..........as for explaining yourslef to anyone, you never have to do that-they will either understand where you are coming from or they won't, and most of the time they won't...unless they have been there themselves...you say that you are not strong and look for the strength---but your ARE stong and have a strength way beyond most can't understand...you see, you wake up every morning and live through another day....as for maintaing control and acting like nothing is bothering you, all i can say is that you don't have to maintain control or act in anyway for someone else....you will live again but it will come from within you a little at a time....please don't ever feel you need to explain yourself to anyone....if they don't understand, i'm sorry but tuff chit on them....the first time i tried to live again, it didn't work out so well for me--there were so many mixed feelings of betrayal to guilt to self hatread....hence forth another reason for the drink....i have just learned over the years, to feel what needs to be felt, when ever the feelings come, feel them thru-scream, cry hollar, hate, ect, so for that time they can be put away (con't-)
and put them away until the next go round of emotions come.....remember that this is all new to us, and it didn't come with directions....it's like reading brail....we go into a situation blind (because we have never done it before)and try to deal with things as they come along, because to be honest with you-we just don't know what to do......you are doing a good thing for yourself...you are trying new things and you are moving on---but you need to move on with only you by your side for now----you understand you....i hate saying it will just take time (i always hated when people would say that to me)....there's so many trial and errors of moving on, so please don't sell your self short and beat yourself up....it's like trying to walk again....each step you take toward living again gives you some insite and understanding....but please remember you never have to explain yourself to anyone.....you are stong....just keep going on like you are....somethings will work and other things won't....just don't give up on trying...there will come and be a time when you won't have to try to distract yourself, it's almost like it just becomes natural and a part of you...just hold on real tight to yourself and continue on........i use to think that if i could find someone that it would take the pain i was feeling away---chit, was i wrong--hence the drinking again...lol.....you are you-do it your way, accept what your feeling when you feel it, do what you need to do to get thru that bout of feelings, then go take another step toward living again.....oh yeaaaaa.....YOU ARE STRONG, OF THAT I HAVE NO DOUBT......i babble, but i hope this help some.....we are all with you all the way, so don't ever feel alone in that aspect....we are here for you......
OK people, QUESTION: I've learned to deal with the day to day life without him, but when you try to do things that you hope will distract you, how do you explain to whoever you are with that you are trying so hard to live again, and that they need to understand??? I tried the first weekend trip with someone over the Easter weekend, and it was very difficult to maintain control and act like nothing was bothering me. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS? HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT AND BE STRONG????? I tried the counseling thing, and that did not work at all. ADVICE FROM ANYONE??? Thanks, Cougar
heretic.........the one year anniversay...please beleive us that our hearts are with you....you and your daughter have survived "the year of the firsts"....kiss and hold your daughter and give yourself a hug.....everyone is right here and talk to you with love....time does make the edges rounder which in time makes breathing not so painful....then out of nowhere you realize "oh my god, i went 10 seconds without being obsessed with thoughts of them"...then the chitty guilt kicks in....omfg....you'll feel like a yo-yo with your emotions for a while, and it does wear you down, but in time the string of the yo-yo gets shorter....i didn't handle my husbands death well, and to be honest i took anything liquid or solid to run from the pain, and 5 years later, ran out of places to run, i realized and saw all the damage i had caused, not so much to my self, but to my kids....it took alot of years, professional help and alot of mending bridges...my kids are grown now and we all have a tight relationship...do i regreat how i handled it-oh god, you bet....but i can't turn back the clock, and it was like you said "i had no idea of what it was going to be like when it happened"...i don't think that kind of pain can be described to anyone, it's almost an unhuman pain, but for the ones that have been there, it's understood without words.....one thing nice to do is maybe you and your daughter could write mom a letter, attach it to a balloon and let it go in her favorite spot, and your daughter can watch the angels take the balloon to heaven for her and give her the message....it helped us in the begining when things first happened.....i just want to let you know, mine and i know everyone here has their hearts out for you and yours......
thanks for the support. I have had a lot of friends help me through this, and I cannot thank them enough, but sometimes it is just nice to find a place like this where people really do understand what you are going through. I have had so many poeple tell me that they know how I feel, and I know that they mean well, but they have no idea what it is like. I thought I knew what to expect, but in truth I was clueless. The one year aniversary of her death is in about ten days. I know I have to do something with my daughter. She is almost six. She knows her mommy is dead, but really doesn't understand anything more than the fact that she misses her mommy. Nothing can prepare you for this. Dealing with this child's emotions have hit me harder than my own did. She also keeps telling me that she wants a new mommy, and I do not know how to deal with this
I stay busy by working two jobs.I work construction, and work part time as a bouncer in a local bar. This seems to be my defense mechanism, but I know someday I will have to slow down and deal with the situation.
hertic........wow, that's something that happened....i am sorry, thats a rough one to deal with.....i do understand about regrets though....my husband was sick for a long time so we did get to tie up all the lose ends and say our good-byes, but i still have regrets for things i was never able to say, either for fear of going insane or lossing it, i don't know....a long time has passed for me, but i still talk to him and say things i wasn't able to say back then, and i just hope he hears them now...and when i do say them, something strange or weiord always happens that only him and me would understand, so i think they do hear us....it helps me deal with it...if you ever need anything, we are always here....
my wife actually divorced me before she passed away. She was 35 years old, and numerous complications resulting from diabetes were causing serious health problems for her. She spent twenty monthes out of the last two years of her life in the hospital. She divorced me during the last year. I found out later that she did not truly want the divorce. Her mother infulenced her, and filed the papers for her, using a power of attorney that she was given for medical reasons. My ex mother-in-law knew that her daughter was going topass away, and wanted to replace her loss with my daughter. My wife died very shortly after the divorce. I regret never being able to say goodby.
I usually tell people that I am divorced. This is technically true, but it is just my way of avoiding the subject. It is easier to say this, and not have to explain the whole story
hahhah-----yep, we are all sick-------lady v---i'm still thinking, i guess i am kinds brain dead here lately----the only word that comes to me is the -slipadictomey- word, but that wouldn't be fair to the male gender, but i am sure something will pop into the mind at the most inapproprite time and when it does i will be back........ahhhhhhh, spring it here.............
Bea, I have no doubt. The day will come and our paths will meet. I am looking forward to that day, my friend. :) I will check back in from time to time to see what name you have given our disease, lol. Til then take good care of yourself and ride safe.
LADY V..........HELLO, AND GOOD TO SEE YOU...I DON'T POST MUCH EITHER ANYMORE, BUT YOU COULDN'T HAVE SPOKEN TRUER WORDS......IT'S SO TRUE....PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF THE UNSEEN (GHOSTS OF THE PAST), AND YOUR RIGHT, FCUK THEM----I THINK WE SHOULD COME UP WITH A NAME FOR "OUR DISEASE"....HAHHAHAH...I'M THINKING ON THIS ONE, AND WILL GET BACK TO IT---IT WILL NEED A GOOD NAME.....WE HAVE ALL BECOME MEMBERS OF A CLUB, THAT IF GIVEN A CHOICE WE NEVER WOULD OF JOINED AT ANY COST....BUT FOR SOME REASON WE ARE HERE, WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHY, BUT WE ARE HERE......NEED TO GO FIND SOME WORK, BUT I WILL GIVE THIS SOME SERIOUS THOUGHT AND WILL BE BACK....UNTIL LATER----GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN G/F, YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST....I THINK, NO I AM SURE THAT SOMEDAY WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT AND THE FATES ALLOW, WE WILL MEET..
I haven't visited this thread for a long time... heck, haven't visited BK for a long time. I check in once or twice a month and that's it. It is a busy time of year for me, (work wise.) The floods haven't helped, so if I am jumping in late I apologize. Better late than never? Wow! It is unbelievable how many of us have lost spouses and share the same feelings, sorrows. My heart reaches out to each and every one of you. I know what I went through and it takes a long time to get over the loss, the fear of losing another, the fear of allowing yourself to love again. It is a shame that people do look at you like you have a dreaded disease when you say that your spouse died. Why? God only knows. Isns't it ironic? People accept divorce as a normal part of every day living, but when you say your spouse is deceased, people cringe. SAD! People do fear that they are competing with a ghost and they fear they can never live up to some standard. That is just pure bullshit, because my husband was certainly no Saint, but none of us are perfect and dispite his imperfections I loved him any way. All I can say is if someone can not accept you as you are they aren't worth a plugged nickel. Would they be there for you when your chips are down? I doubt it. When the time is right someone will come into your life. They will love you for the goodness that they see in you, and not worry about a ghost of the past. Until that day? Life is short. Live each day as if it were your last and live life to the fullest.
rac1257 write: When I got married we both knew I would survive her. We were never told exactly how long she would live. My guess is that none of thr Dr's. really knew. We spent our time together having fun. We were only married 8 years, its been 11 since she passed. Would I do it again? In a New York Minute.
that's nice to see that someone isn't bitter or scared to love again.......sounds like it was a good union you two had.......to be honest on my side of the fence, i think i have put so many barriers up....i was married just shy of 13 years, and rick had cancer for the last seven of thoes with a slow growing brain cancer, i took care of him at home....my daughter and i were talking the other day and it has been 17 years since he died...a lifetime ago....looking back, it so hard to beleive how much time has passed....amazing.......
rac1257 write: I tried that(except the lady part) The question was still asked. When I told her I was widowed I could tell by the look in her eyes that this would be the shortest romance on record.
well, at least you have a good sence of humor about it.....and it is true what you said, about the look in their eyes...i never really thought about it until you said something........omg, it's like we have so lepersay (sp)......looking back, it does make me chuckle though......
islandgirl write: I understand how you feel. I have been a widow for 6 mos. It's like all new territory. I'm like a duck out of water. I'm intimidated, scared, leary. Maybe we should just say we're single! I wonder if that will help.:) "single lady" Islandgirl
islandgirl....i was so sorry to read your post..its horrible to see how many of us are in this thread..your right though-it is new territory and is scarey....were all here to help you in anyway we can, and give you our utmost support, so please feel safe here, ok?...sometimes it's nice to have a safe haven to go to when things get ruff and scarey.......once again, i am so very sorry for your loss
I understand how you feel. I have been a widow for 6 mos. It's like all new territory. I'm like a duck out of water. I'm intimidated, scared, leary. Maybe we should just say we're single! I wonder if that will help.:)
"single lady" Islandgirl