hey there Mo, Im not a member but if you are and u wanna email me please do.
that offer is open to anyone that wants to chat or talk about your experiences. Yes they hurt and they hurt badly but remember a problem shared is a problem halved. Just remember I might be in Australia but Im not that far away. Hugs from Oz - Cazzie
Angelle write: hello to everyone that has posted in this particular forum topic. I just wanted to share abit of my experiences of whats happened to me and my sons in the last 4 years. My husband passed away after a 6 month struggle with cancer. My sons were 9 and 12 at that time. I have found that basically we are doing it alone as the family have abandoned us or more me in particular. My kids have struggled in so many ways, at school, with friends and just life in general. Ive tried councilling for them but its so hard for kids to accept that they can benifit from that sort of thing. I did counciling for a while then had to start again late last year when things got really hard. I found myself struggling too hard to please everyone in my life. I had the school on my back and my younger son being suspended on a almost weekly basis. I have had a few relationships with men but Ive realized that it will take a very special man to want to take the journey with me and accept my sons as part of the package deal. Many people have no idea about grief or even have empathy for people that have experienced a loss. I want to have a great life again and I know that Ive tried so hard to be everything for my sons, they are growing and getting slightly better but its been a real hard slog. I have no idea how my sons feel, I have only lost a partner not a parent. Everyone associated with the departed loved one has a different grief and different coping skills. I guess what I wanted to say is that life goes on and we must be glad that we can wake up every morning and put our feet on the ground and keep walking. Life is to be cherished and we should take the time to enjoy even the simplest things. Hugs to everyone - Cazzie
Howdy Cazzie! Thanks for the great post. My thoughts and prayers are with you. It sounds like you are moving along in the process. I hate hearing that myself but .. sometimes ya gotta say what ya gotta say. Please stay in touch with this string. The more of us that post the more others may understand. The more they understand the more likely we and they will be able to cope with each other when we meet that special someone again.
Ride free. Ride like there is no tomorrow. Hug those you are with when you first see them to celebrate their presence and hug them as they leave as if you may never see them again.
hello to everyone that has posted in this particular forum topic. I just wanted to share abit of my experiences of whats happened to me and my sons in the last 4 years. My husband passed away after a 6 month struggle with cancer. My sons were 9 and 12 at that time. I have found that basically we are doing it alone as the family have abandoned us or more me in particular. My kids have struggled in so many ways, at school, with friends and just life in general.
Ive tried councilling for them but its so hard for kids to accept that they can benifit from that sort of thing.
I did counciling for a while then had to start again late last year when things got really hard. I found myself struggling too hard to please everyone in my life. I had the school on my back and my younger son being suspended on a almost weekly basis. I have had a few relationships with men but Ive realized that it will take a very special man to want to take the journey with me and accept my sons as part of the package deal. Many people have no idea about grief or even have empathy for people that have experienced a loss. I want to have a great life again and I know that Ive tried so hard to be everything for my sons, they are growing and getting slightly better but its been a real hard slog.
I have no idea how my sons feel, I have only lost a partner not a parent.
Everyone associated with the departed loved one has a different grief and different coping skills. I guess what I wanted to say is that life goes on and we must be glad that we can wake up every morning and put our feet on the ground and keep walking. Life is to be cherished and we should take the time to enjoy even the simplest things.
Hugs to everyone - Cazzie
who knows ver, but I am thinking our experiences would make a great movie....except let it be a horror movie. Bea, I feel for ya...I was the same way....did what my hubby wanted. All is right by him...i know this.
Ver, FInd out what your son likes to do...spend time with him, just keep trying....you can break through..its just going ot take time, and hey, I have ashoulder, an ear, a listening heart if you need someone to just vent to. Bea you too. I can be reached at olred61 at yhoo, if ya need to talk.
My inlaws may also be part of that cloning project. Just before the funeral started I sat next to my mother in law. I stuck out my hand trying to hold hers. I wanted to tell her how much I tried with Sweet Pea and how much I loved Sweet Pea. She slapped me and pushed me away and said she didn't want to see me again. None of Sweet Pea's family helped us in the battle. I just looked at it as little lady loosing her child and being angry at the world. But, she has never called her grandson to talk with him since because he stayed with me and not his birth father. The youngun' has been abandoned by his family after loosing his mom. Now he and I are trying to learn to communicate but we are not having much luck at it. Tonight I will go to his parent teacher conferences at the HS. He doesn't want me to go and he has not given me a list of his teachers names. But, I care and I will ride over there and hunt down the teachers he has somehow.
Where did that gene pool come from and why did anyone want to clone it?
Ride like there is no tomorrow. Keep your knees in the breeze and a grin on your chin cause it keeps ya smilin' to be ridin'.
STRV.......I HEAR YA, BUT IT IS THEIR LOSS, NOT THE KIDS AND GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW RICK TURNED OUT SO COOL....HE USE TO TELL ME "WAIT TILL YOU MET THEM, THEN YOU WILL KNOW WHY I LEFT AS SOON AS I COULD".......LOL....AND YOUR RIGHT, YOU KIDS DON'T NEED THEIR CHIT, AND WILL BE FINE WITHOUT THEM....I HAVE NO REGRETS WHAT I DID FOR RICK EITHER, HIM AND I TALKED ALOT ABOUT WHEN THE TIME CAME, WHAT HE WANTED AND SO FORTH.....AND I DID IT AS HE WISHED, FIGHTING WITH PEOPLE ALL THE WAY, BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART ALL IS RIGHT WITH HIM....AND AFTER ALL THAT IS WHAT COUNTED AT THE TIME, JUST HIM.....ISN'T IT AMAZING WHAT WE HAVE TO GO THRU IN LIFE, PEOPLE SOMETIMES STILL LOOK AT ME WITH HORROW IN THEIR EYES.......HAHAHAHAHHAHAH
Bea...is that what happens...they get cloned????? Rofl!!!! ITs nice to know there is someone else that can relate. I do nto get angry about how I was treated my my first hubby's family. I get angry about how the kids were and are treated. My hubby was an only son also. The last name would have died out if I had not had boys (I had 3 and a girl). ITs just sad what happened happened and they did nto talk to their son, brother, uncle. He and I had time to talk. They never understood and probably never will. THat's okay because I have to stand in front of one judge and I know what I did to take care of my hubby I did because I loved him. I have decided this; Its probably better my kids did nto have anything to do with his family. They did and do not need the negativity in their lives. They seem to be doing well...who could ask for more?
str........omg.....we had the same in-laws....lol....to know they are cloned is scaredy as hell....even to this day, rick was their only son, they have four beautiful great-grandbabies who they have never seen....when the kids got older, they tried to get in touch with them, for their fathers sake, but they said they wanted nothing to do with them....yea, i know i love how that "you killed him" attitude c-omes into play....i remember looking at them and say..."what the fcuk it wrong with you"......my son also was his father's best friend, and i do understand what you are saying and going thru...when rick died my son said to me "i will never love anyone ever again"---it does take them years to c-ome back around, but your doing the right thing and he is c-oming your way....my son never said this to me but my daughter did...."mom, i don't want this to sound like i am cold or heartless, but i am glad you are the one who is alive because i dont't think dad could of done what you did"....i told her no, it wasn't cold, but unfortuntely you never knew your dad as a healthy man, only a sick man, and for that i will always be sorry, and never feel guilty for a feeling or a though, they are normal and ok, just always remember you are ok, just where you are at this moment"...my son always said he felt cheated because his childhood was taken from him....now turn the clock back 10 years and i would be writing something else....lmao....they even try to appolize for all the chit that they did and put me through now, they are so grown up....i tell them that is nice of them, and i also appolize for what i became for 5 years, but we all said-it didn't come with directions and we we all so fcuked up for years.....i wish we could paint across the sky that people need to hold strong, the family totally gets destroyed, but hold on with all you have because it takes a long time to come full circle......or as we say to each other "we have finally become so good at being a family, we have gotten to the point we are "so functional at being dysfunctionl"....we always laugh at that one....this experience of this part of life is something isn't it?....to this day, it still blows my mind............
Bea, I do understand about the hatred part. My oldest always felt like he was left with the "BAD" parent. He was daddy's favorite. He always ran to daddy when he was told to do somethning, or wanted something and was told "NO" by me. My son literally hated me. This was a child wh was so outgoing, so caring, who loved to talk to anyone about anything. After his dad died, he just shut down. Not onlydid my kids lose their father. They lost their father's family. Its a long story, one that is too long to write on here, duffice it to say, their father's family accused me of killing their dad. I have the power to give people cancer I guess. MY oldest was very close to his father's family. They turned their backs on my kids. It hurt my son so much that he shut out everyone. He and I are now within the past 3 years, to the point where he talks to me about things, personal things. He is now starting ot realize that he can let people into his life and let them get close. I never thought I would ever experience that from him. I can say this, prayers are heard. It might take a little while but prayers are heard. I never forced my son to open up to me. He had rules to follow but other than that, I just was me, was his mom and prayed that some day our relationship would be great. My prayers have been answered. I will pray for all of my friends here on bikerkiss. ITs nice to know that some of the things I experienced and the things I go through now, have been experienced or being experienced by others. I am not alone. Just know that there are people out there who do understand, that they care and are willing to listen. I am and I do! I wish peace, love and happiness to all of you!
DoubleDelight write: Bea= WoW! Big hugs-what an ordeal you went through. Glad u and your son are close again- Your post inspired me and I am sending it on to a good g/f. It might help her. B proud!
DD...thanks DD, it took me a ahile to feel proud, but it was of him i was proud, he had the hard work, and i was pround of myself to know this and to make him to do and to be ready to welcome him back into dome type of sanity again....thank you very much-you made me feel better.....your a good lady there dd............alison
Thank you for your Post Bea. It is very enlightening. I will pray for all of us in this crazy situation. I debated starting this string but I am glad I did. I know there are others out there reading these posts and feeling what we feel. Maybe, just maybe it will help the others as they read.
Ride Safe, stay warm.. Naahhhhhh.. Take risks, ride hard, even in the cold. They are riding with us in any case.
DakotaBlu write: Bea.. that made more sense than I can say... thank u, my friend... xo
BLU........I'M GLAD...IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING, YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME....EVERYTHING WILL BE OK IN IT OWN TIME....TAKE SPECIAL CARE MY FRIEND......XO....
Bea...my circumstances were different, but also, the same! We do what we have too to survive..as you said, it's hell! We get no manual when we have a child...we get no manual when we lose a spouse...we get no manual when a child rebels over his/her own pain...we do the best we can! Somehow, God and all the powers that be see us through these times! I love your story..I'll share mine one day! Love you, my Sister!!!
VAND.....I ALSO WENT THRU HELL WITH MY KIDS AFTER THEIR FATHER DIED....THEY HAD JUST TURNED 11 AND 12...THE BOY BEING THE OLDEST....IT WAS A SPIRIL INTO A HELL OF NO RETURN FOR YEARS...MY KIDS HATED ME WITH SUCH LOATH AND DISTAIN...THEY NEEDED SOMEONE TO HATE, AND I WAS THE SAFEST HAVEN, BUT IT WAS FCUKING HARD....AT ONE POINT THEY WENT EVEN TO LIVE WITH MY SISTER....THEY DID GRADUTATE, BUT MY SON BECAME QUITE THE EXPERT WITH DRUGS AND ETOH, ALMOST DIED ONCE FROM IT, WAS BY HIS SIDE UNTIL HE WOKE UP---WON'T GO INTO DETAILS, BUT WHEN HIS FRIENDS CALLED ME AND SAID SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM, I GOT THERE AND LITERELLY PICKED UP THIS 6 FOOT KID AND CARRIED HIM INTO THE ER....AND IT BEING A DRUG OVERDOSE, YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WE WERE TREATED...BUT SURVIVED THAT...WHAT FINALLY HAPPENED....TIME WENT ON, WE GOT CLOSE AGAIN SOMEWHAT, AND MY DAUGHTER SAID "MOM, WALK AWAY FROM HIM, AND DON'T LOOK BACK BECAUSE IF YOU ENABLE HIM, HE WILL FOR SURE DIE THE NEXT TIME"...IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I EVER DID...I TOLD JAKE I LOVED HIM, BUT I WASH MY HANDS OF HIM, NO MORE"......AS I WALKED AWAY, THE LAST PART OF MY HEART DIED, THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT IN ME...I WOULDN'T ANSWER HIS CALLS OR NOTHING....I HAD BECOME SUCH AN ENABLER BECAUSE OF THE GUILT I FELT FOR THEIR PAIN, THAT I WILL ADMIT I PROBABLEY HELPED HIM MORE THEN I RELIZED TO BE ABLE TO DO THE DRUGS AND ETOH...BUT DEATH IS NEW TO ALL OF US, AND THEY ONLY HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF THEIR AGE TO DEAL WITH THIS...CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THEY MUST FEEL BECAUSE AT OUR AGE AND EXPERIENCE WE CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH IT, WHAT THE HELL THEY MUST BE GOING THRU.....ANOTHER TIME I HUMBLED MYSELF IS WHEN I WALKED AWAY-I WENT AND SAT IN A CHURCH FOR HOURS AND TOLD GOD, OR WHO EVER..."LET HIM BURN AND FALL HARD AND FAST, BUT TO PLEASE GIVE HIM THE STRENGTH TO PULL HIMSELF OUT OF IT, BECAUSE UNTIL HE'S READY, PROTECT HIM, AND MAKE IT FAST AND SWIFT, BECAUSE ONLY HE COULD HELP HIM SELF NOW...I TRIED ALL THE COUNCLING, OFFERS OF TX CENTERS, AND HE JUST SAID "WHAT THE HELL FOR, I'LL JUST PLAY THEIR GAME, AND HE WAS RIGHT....TRUST ME I WAS CALLED EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK, AND THE HATE REAKED FROM HIM...BUT ONE NIGHT ABOUT A YEAR LATER, I GOT A CALL FROM HIM FROM ANOTHER STATE, AND HE WAS IN AA, SOBER AND STRIGHT.....HE INVITED ME TO MEETINGS WITH HIM, I WENT AND WAS NEVER SO PROUD OF SOMEONE IN MY LIFE...HE IS NOW 30 AND A WONDERFUL DAD HIMSELF....HE TRIED TO DO THE AMENDS OF THE 12 STEPS TO ME, THE APOLIZE ONE...AND I TOLD HIM, JAKE IT WOULD KILL ME FOR YOU TO APOLIZE TO ME, AND I TOLD HIM "YOUR MY SON, I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY-WE ALL DID THINGS WE WISH WE HADN'T-I HOLD NO HARD FEELING FOR ANYTHING AND I WAS PROUD OF HIM AND HE WOULD NEVER HAVE TO APOLIZE TO ME FOR ANYTHING"...AT WHICH TIME HE KIND CHUCKLED AND SAID "MAN, WE MADE SOME REALLY BAD CHOICES, DIDN'T WE".....ONE THING I FOUND OUT, IS THE ONES WE LOVE THE MOST, HATE US THE MOST AT THAT TIME, WE ARE CONSTANT REMINDERS OF WHO IS GONE, AND YOU CAN'T HATE SOMETHING YOU NEVER LOVED IN THE FIRST PLACE, WE ARE A SAFE HATE FOR THEM...IT HURTS LIKE HELL, BUT DEATH TEARS THE VERY SEAM OF THE FAMILY APART FOR A WHILE, TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMILY, BUT WHEN THE SHARP EDGES START TO ROUND OFF A LITTLE AND THE PAIN BECOMES TOLERABEL FOR A FEW SECONDS AT A TIME, THE LOVE SEEPS BACK IN, JUST A TAD, BUT A TAD AT A TIME IS WHAT BRINGS IT BACK FULL CIRCLE.....WE ARE ALL CLOSER NOW AND STRONGER THEN ANYTHING, AND NO-ONE CAN COME BETWEEN US....IT TOOK MY SON OVER TEN YEARS TO EVEN GO TO HIS FATHERS GRAVE OF MENTION HIS NAME......THIS IS THE HARDEST PART YOU YOU RIGHT NOW, AND THERE ARE NO MAGIC ANSWERS FOR THE SITUATION, JUST PLAY IT BY EAR, AND DO WHAT IS NECESSARY AT THAT MOMENT, WE ALL SURVIVE A MOMENT AT A TIME IN THOES SITUATIONS, I THINK THAT IS ALL WE ARE ABLE TO TOLERATE.....KEEP PRAYING AND JUST ALWAYS BE THERE, THEY DO COME AROUND, BUT UNFORTUNTLY, IT IS AT THEIR TIME AND NEED, BUT THEY WILL NEED YOU WHEN THEY FEEL THEY ARE OK WITH THEMSELVES AND HAVE THAT FEW SECONDS OF PEACE....IT JUST TAKES A LONG TIME, BE PATIENT, AND LET THEM KNOW THE DOOR WILL ALWAYS BE OPEN WITH NO JUDGEMENT....AS I AM SURE YOU WILL.....I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND THE KIDS ALSO, GOD BLESS THEM AND GIVE THEM THE STRENGH THEY NEED TO SURVIVE, AND YOU ALSO MY FIREND.......
expander1 write: verdaineq, Speaking from my experience with an 18 year old son, his mom passed on 3 weeks before he was to graduate from HS. All h-ll followed. The other day he thanked me for not giving up on him. He doesn't say much so that one sentence spoke volumes. Hope this helps.
I have an adopted son from my first marriage that thanks me everytime we talk. He was my first wifes through her first marriage. When she and I got our divorce he first told me he would take me out if he ever saw me on the street. But.... He was my best man at Sweet Pea and my wedding. I know I can do things right... I am just strugglin' with this one.
strvoygr write: Verdain, I tried getting my kids to go to counseling......they were not ready for it. I too have ahd a struggle getting my kids thorugh things and dealing with the death of their father. I agree that your son needs to pull himslef up out of the feelings and fepression he is esperiencing. All you can do is help him by being there and loving him. It may nto show now, but down the road, it will show and eventually he will appreciate you not giving up on him and loving him. I am always willing ot chat with you if you need an ear. I truly do understand how hard it is, especially with for the kids. I can also tell you, I never would have made it through any of my ordeal if it weren't for my kids. I focused on them, getting them through everything. You are doing what you can with what you have to the best of your ability Verdain.....keep on truckin on......you are doing a great job!!!!
I haven't even gotten myself into counseling yet. My boss has put that on my goal set at work. So... Maybe I can get both of us in there and work on this. My main problem is that he now has over $1000 a month comin' in from SS and from his real dad. He is playing with that instead of going to school. I was never allowed to correct him. I was always told that I was not his dad but his example. When he ditched school before, she would always call in and say something to make it an excused absense. he is not ditching any more than he always did. He is just not getting backing from me to get the absences excused. So, he is angry with me. It is a difficult situation. I got him his endorsement and asked him to ride to different places with me but he never does. We just don't know how to communicate with each other. That is what I need to learn in a very few weeks. When I talk with him and set guidelines he calls his dad and says he cannot stand the tension in the house. His dad backs him 100%. I am to the point that I wish he would just go live with his dad. But, his dad lives in Maryland and all his friends and his girl friend live here in Colorado.