Okay Got one DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work, she told the repairman. " I,ll leave the key under the door mat. Fix the dishwasher leave the bill on the counter, and i,ll send you the check." "Ohby the way donnt worry about my bulldog. He wont bother you. But what ever you do, do NOT, under ANT CIRCUMSTANCE TALK TO MY PARROT!!" I REPEAT< DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!!" When the repaipman arriver at Wanda's apartment the following day day, he discovered the biigest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpitnwatching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his inncessant yelling, cursing an name calling. Finally the repairman couldnt contain himself any longer and yelled. "Shutup, you stipid, ugle bird!!!" To which the parrot replied. "Get him Spike!!!!"
One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Swedish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Swedish old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief "what are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Larson the 70-year-old fire chief, "da first thing ve gonna do is.. fix da brakes on dat focking truck."
A Wisconsin Funny :)
One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into
massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When
the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that
brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Swedish rural township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right
past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Swedish old timers jumped off
right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a
performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,
asking their chief "what are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larson the 70-year-old fire chief, "da first thing ve
gonna do is.. fix da brakes on dat focking truck."
Weenie write: AWWWWW Smile....I still wuv you...I just figured, my reputation is shot here, thought I would take you for the ride!!!! love ya....mean it!!!!
Nah...you're reputation isn't shot here. There are many who love you with all their heart. I know I do! You did bring a smile to this face though with what you did here, you goof!! And don't worry...I'll continue sending you these emails from my crazy & fun friends!!
Oh now C you send those to me too sooooo who really likes these...LOL
Oh my....yep...reputation is now shot...lol Sigh...
Weenie write: AWWWWW Smile....I still wuv you...I just figured, my reputation is shot here, thought I would take you for the ride!!!! love ya....mean it!!!!
Nah...you're reputation isn't shot here. There are many who love you with all their heart. I know I do! You did bring a smile to this face though with what you did here, you goof!! And don't worry...I'll continue sending you these emails from my crazy & fun friends!!
Oh now C you send those to me too sooooo who really likes these...LOL
Weenie write: AWWWWW Smile....I still wuv you...I just figured, my reputation is shot here, thought I would take you for the ride!!!! love ya....mean it!!!!
Nah...you're reputation isn't shot here. There are many who love you with all their heart. I know I do! You did bring a smile to this face though with what you did here, you goof!! And don't worry...I'll continue sending you these emails from my crazy & fun friends!!
An man in his 80's gets up and puts on his coat. > His wife says "Where are you going? > He said, "I'm going to the doctor.". > She said "Are you s ick?" > "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." > So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. > He said," Where are you going?" > She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." > He said, "Why?" > She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going > to get me a tetanus shot. >
Weenie!!!!! I'm gonna have to stop sending you jokes that my goofy & crazy friends send to me!!!
An man in his 80's gets up and puts on his coat.
> His wife says "Where are you going?
> He said, "I'm going to the doctor.".
> She said "Are you s ick?"
> "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
> So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
> He said," Where are you going?"
> She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
> He said, "Why?"
> She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
going
> to get me a tetanus shot.
>
A bird in the ain't worth a finger in the bush!
She was as pure as the driven snow, like all that snow that's been driven in.
Tomorrow's another day, it will probably shuck too!
I've learned to depend on one person, Me! at least till I start wearing depends.
Bedtime Poems for Big Kids
>
>
>Mary had a little pig,
>She kept it fat and plastered;
>And when the price of pork went up,
>She shot the little bastard.
>
>
>MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
>Her father shot it dead.
>Now it goes to school with her,
>Between two hunks of bread.
>
>
>JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
>To have a little fun.
>Stupid Jill forgot the pill
>And now they have a son.
>
>
>SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
>Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
>"What have you got there?"
>Said the Pie man unto Simon,
>"Pies, you dumb s*hit"
>
>
>HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
>Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
>All the kings' horses,
>And all the kings' men.
>Had scrambled eggs,
>For breakfast! again.
>
>
>HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
>All over the bedside clock.
>The little dog laughed to see such fun.
>Then died of electric shock.
>
>
>There was a little girl who had a little curl
>Right in the middle of her forehead.
>When she was good, she was very, very good.
>But when she was bad........
>She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car
>
Just Wondering...
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work
anymore?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just
buy dinner?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the
universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he c*omes out of the shower, when he
doesn't usually wear any pants
Just wondering (again)...
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Who was the first person, seeing an egg come from a chicken's butt, that
thought, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?"
Who opened that first oyster and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't THIS look
yummy."
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a making da
love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the
back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed
in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've
finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze
way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her
feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've
finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk
over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains.
She hits the freakin' ceiling."
Here's a WI/UP MI sort of a joke if any of you are familiar with Ole & Sven & the bunch.
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It
>seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able
>to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk
across
>the
>lake to the boat club for their first legal drink of aquaveet.
>
>So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a
boat
>out
>to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned!
>Sven just managed to pull him to safety.
>
>Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma,
it's my
>21st birtday, so vhy can't I valk across da lake like my fadder, his
>fadder,
>and his fadder before him?"
>
>Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb Norvegian,
your
>fadder, grandfadder and great grandfadder were born in January. You
were
>born in July."
>
>
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