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The secret glue that keeps relationships alive is...
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Posted on Fri, Sep 16, 2005 06:11

There is no secret. Just respect and care for the person you have chosen to be with. Listen to what they say, talk, then talk again. Communication is the glue. Hi Waterbaby



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Posted on Fri, Sep 16, 2005 04:44


DoubleDelight write:
WoW. Great thread!
I have enjoyed reading all the posts here. Love the sharing. It is a Delight to see all the marvelous sharings from your hearts and minds.
Knotsofast said:"Arguments and misunderstandings all come from lack of communication. One side has certain expectations, those are not met for whatever reason ( valid or otherwise) and it isn't worked out....there begins the downward spiral. If not caught soon, then the deeper it gets until recovery is no longer possible.

And I dont mean arguing either, as an argument is just when one side cannot see the other side's point of view. So a willingness to listen and ability to understand ( not necessarily agree, but understand) the other side's point of view is essential...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anybody here ever heard of "Compassionate Communication?" There is an author, speaker (can't remember his name at the moment) who travels world-wide to share his wisdom and helps to create peace between peoples and Nations.
I agree with Knotsofast Re: Communicate and Understand. And if all else fails, Agree to Disagree.
It takes a lot of strength to step up to the plate together and communicate, and listen-no blaming-Just Be Here Now. No kitchen sinks. Compassion.
So, someone seems to be angry,distant,etc: What is the un-met NEED sitting there underneath the pain? Very Simple-not a want-a NEED. To be heard, held, connected, fed, peace, laughter, quiet, Connection...
When the real need is spotted and acknowledged by another's heart, transformation takes place.
Continuing to step up to the plate together-with willingness, an open heart and mind, sans ego. Sans= without.
Sometimes it means taking a deep breath, a walk, a re-connecting to a personally felt demand to be here now, fully present, and from/in Love.
Personally--Now matter how 'heavy' I am feeling--a good laugh, a light touch, and I can turn on a dime-from pain, anger, sadness, and heartbreak.
Glue: a constant willingness to show up, as your higher self.
Love ya all!

Doubly Delighted



how true---and own your own feelings---i am feeling not you make me feel

no one can make me feel anything--i'm allowing myself to feel--my partners actions may trigger those feelings or it may be that i had certain expectations that didn't pan out--BUT WE MUST DISCUSS THEM if not the resentments set in and they can fester and destroy

so communication--but correct communication--allow one to speak and truely listen--listening is the true art to communication--not only being able to speak treuly of feelings



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Posted on Fri, Sep 16, 2005 01:57

WoW. Great thread!
I have enjoyed reading all the posts here. Love the sharing. It is a Delight to see all the marvelous sharings from your hearts and minds.
Knotsofast said:"Arguments and misunderstandings all come from lack of communication. One side has certain expectations, those are not met for whatever reason ( valid or otherwise) and it isn't worked out....there begins the downward spiral. If not caught soon, then the deeper it gets until recovery is no longer possible.

And I dont mean arguing either, as an argument is just when one side cannot see the other side's point of view. So a willingness to listen and ability to understand ( not necessarily agree, but understand) the other side's point of view is essential...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anybody here ever heard of "Compassionate Communication?" There is an author, speaker (can't remember his name at the moment) who travels world-wide to share his wisdom and helps to create peace between peoples and Nations.
I agree with Knotsofast Re: Communicate and Understand. And if all else fails, Agree to Disagree.
It takes a lot of strength to step up to the plate together and communicate, and listen-no blaming-Just Be Here Now. No kitchen sinks. Compassion.
So, someone seems to be angry,distant,etc: What is the un-met NEED sitting there underneath the pain? Very Simple-not a want-a NEED. To be heard, held, connected, fed, peace, laughter, quiet, Connection...
When the real need is spotted and acknowledged by another's heart, transformation takes place.
Continuing to step up to the plate together-with willingness, an open heart and mind, sans ego. Sans= without.
Sometimes it means taking a deep breath, a walk, a re-connecting to a personally felt demand to be here now, fully present, and from/in Love.
Personally--Now matter how 'heavy' I am feeling--a good laugh, a light touch, and I can turn on a dime-from pain, anger, sadness, and heartbreak.
Glue: a constant willingness to show up, as your higher self.
Love ya all!

Doubly Delighted

  


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Posted on Tue, Sep 13, 2005 18:59

I like the new pic Roxie.

  


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Posted on Tue, Sep 13, 2005 16:49


Roxie0215 write:
Bigbear...You're a sweetheart!


Ain't he though Roxie!!!

  


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Posted on Tue, Sep 13, 2005 10:51


Bigbear2000 write:
and you bring her little "nothing" gifts on a regular basis. Why? Like you said, "just because". Maybe it's only a dandelion or a pretty rock you think she might like or maybe it's a dozen long stemmed red roses or perhaps a fine piece of jewelry. You must let her know that SHE is your love and that she's so appreciated and so special in your life.

So very nice Bigbear...& the same goes for the woman doing special little things for that special guy in her life to let him know just how much he is loved & appreciated. Makes ones heart smile...

  


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Posted on Tue, Sep 13, 2005 10:41


Bigbear2000 write:
and you bring her little "nothing" gifts on a regular basis. Why? Like you said, "just because". Maybe it's only a dandelion or a pretty rock you think she might like or maybe it's a dozen long stemmed red roses or perhaps a fine piece of jewelry. You must let her know that SHE is your love and that she's so appreciated and so special in your life.


nice big bear....very nice!!

  


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Posted on Tue, Sep 13, 2005 08:12


gefallen write:
Secret Glue does remind me of a Limerick though...

There was a young couple from Dehli,

Who used GLUE not Petroleum Jelly,

In the midst of a F#*k,

They found themselves Stuck,

Forever... together, Belly to Belly!


Ahhh well... had to share it :P

AJ

haha too funny aj.thats one way to gettem to stick.lol



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Posted on Tue, Sep 13, 2005 07:57

Secret Glue does remind me of a Limerick though...

There was a young couple from Dehli,

Who used GLUE not Petroleum Jelly,

In the midst of a F#*k,

They found themselves Stuck,

Forever... together, Belly to Belly!


Ahhh well... had to share it :P

AJ



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Posted on Tue, Sep 13, 2005 06:34

and you bring her little "nothing" gifts on a regular basis. Why? Like you said, "just because". Maybe it's only a dandelion or a pretty rock you think she might like or maybe it's a dozen long stemmed red roses or perhaps a fine piece of jewelry. You must let her know that SHE is your love and that she's so appreciated and so special in your life.



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Posted on Mon, Sep 12, 2005 19:47

Mutual respect, honesty and definitly communication. Being best friends. Being to the point where you don't want to go or do nothing without her, just in case something happens that you might want to share with her, like an orange sitting sun. Where you set the alarm a half hour earlier so you can just lay there and hold each other before the day starts. When you always open the door for her, just because. Letting her sleep in and then bringing her a cup of coffee. Chivarly shouldn't be never forgotten, Brothers.



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Posted on Mon, Sep 12, 2005 13:11


seeme1st write:
with all else said

unconditional love is the glue that holds

being there for the other the way they need you and expecting nothing in return

giving space with the knowledge that they may move on yet putting their happiness above your own

honoring the commitment you have even if you don't understand what they are going thru--or you just don't like them today

i know in my marriage there were times i just didn't like my ex or vice versa yet we honored the commitment and worked our way thru the issues at the time--standing steadfast--yes it reached the point that we grew apart--a part of life

Hey P...where ya been hiding G/f!??? Missed ya over the weekend...

  


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Posted on Mon, Sep 12, 2005 12:45

with all else said

unconditional love is the glue that holds

being there for the other the way they need you and expecting nothing in return

giving space with the knowledge that they may move on yet putting their happiness above your own

honoring the commitment you have even if you don't understand what they are going thru--or you just don't like them today

i know in my marriage there were times i just didn't like my ex or vice versa yet we honored the commitment and worked our way thru the issues at the time--standing steadfast--yes it reached the point that we grew apart--a part of life



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Posted on Mon, Sep 12, 2005 08:04


Roxie0215 write:
WOW!>>>Such good writing from Rev, SS and Gefallen. I agree with both sides.
It is great to feel as "one" but you must be careful not to lose yourself also.
It was inevitable that SS & Rev would get together, it was written in the stars.
Codepenedncy comes from someone who is not whole and they are looking for that other person to fufill them, but I can tell Rev & SS are complete people within themselves, and when two people come together who know who they are and are happy it's a great thing because then you can be loved...heart, mind,body, soul...and what a great love that must be! It's what we all seek and hope to find someday.

  


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Posted on Mon, Sep 12, 2005 07:52

Thank you, Rev, for your kind words & sharing your experiences also...I do like who I am (no...I love who I am!) & I'm lovingly called a bum by my friends because I'm always off & running & doing something with someone or a bunch of friends. I may start out thinking I'm going home after work & I'll get an email or p*hone call & off I go. I'm not dating anyone so I'm going places single & hanging out with married couples or just a bunch of folks. I get a lot of support from all my friends & they all say too...don't settle girlfriend! You're worth more than that. Don't ever settle just so you're not alone. And if I ever need a pep talk because I may fall into a little "pity party", my friends are all there with encouraging words. I say every day "Patience, I will be rewarded". My friends tell me I have a lot to offer...the right one just hasn't figured it out yet. So until then? I'll keep doing what I'm doing & when one day I meet him? The one who will accept me for who I am inside & out & we can bring into our relationship our own individual selves & also become an "us"? Then? Wow....

  


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Posted on Mon, Sep 12, 2005 07:11


gefallen write:
I Once heard a shrink say "The most successful couples are two totally independant people that come together and become inter-dependent in certain areas by choice."

I think the whole independence thing is necessasry. I like the old There is "I" there is "YOU" and there is "WE" in this relationship.

Too many stay together because of codependancy or after having reached a "comfort" level where they just do not want to be alone again. Remember though, alone is better than settling for something that you think you NEED. Make sure it is what you want... if it is also what your mate wants... there ya go!

Just remember, two people that are now a couple were two independant people at one point. Oft times, one starts to lose totally that selse of self and this is where things can run awry...

AJ

Amen to what you just said, AJ...I was married for 20 years & this January it will be 5 years that I'll be divorced. I lost who I was as an individual as the years went on in my married life. It was the hardest thing for me to do to leave the marriage because it was "comfortable" but I was not happy. I felt like I was almost two different people. One person when I was at home & with my husband & my true self when I was away from home & not with my husband. I hope to one day meet that very special someone to share the rest of my days with but I will not settle just so I am not alone.



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Posted on Mon, Sep 12, 2005 06:37

I Once heard a shrink say "The most successful couples are two totally independant people that come together and become inter-dependent in certain areas by choice."

I think the whole independence thing is necessasry. I like the old There is "I" there is "YOU" and there is "WE" in this relationship.

Too many stay together because of codependancy or after having reached a "comfort" level where they just do not want to be alone again. Remember though, alone is better than settling for something that you think you NEED. Make sure it is what you want... if it is also what your mate wants... there ya go!

Just remember, two people that are now a couple were two independant people at one point. Oft times, one starts to lose totally that selse of self and this is where things can run awry...

AJ



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Posted on Sun, Sep 11, 2005 20:22


parsley write:
Very nicely put springer. I enjoyed reading your poetic response very much!

My only problem with it is: the "one face" and the "neither a you nor i - just us" concept. I have a hard time with it.

I follow that there is not a magic glue, but there are always two separate identities - not a meld into oneness, imho. Some even believe there is a third "identity" that holds a couple together, a "spiritual" (for lack of a better word) force that when left out of the equation of 1+1, causes it to unravel. (As in the three-fold cord). I really have no idea.

I don't pretend to know the answer. My 1+1 equation unraveled big time, leaving some really frayed strands there for a while.

I have to admit, I'm not sure there is such a thing as "forever" or an "ever after" - that's why I just go for the NOW, and am happy for THIS moment. If there's a moment after this one, how great. That way, perhaps, each kiss could be given, received and enjoyed with the passion of a last kiss, etc.

does that make me jaded?


I think Parsley the struggle lies in two different egos/identities. Until the ego can be cracked and experience a shifting of its center whether by tragedy, spiritual ascetism, True Love or other method where the numinosum enters consciousness it will always be experienced at a lesser state and for all realities the "ONE" the "US" can never exist because it is the function of the ego to center itself on itself.
Your injury is another important thing because your ego self that needs you to eat and take care of you has taken the necessary precedence to remove you and heal you from a bad situation. Maybe when that ego is healed and your heart is once again strong enough to be vulnerable to surrender you will be ready to release it and find what you seek.
The trick in this culture is to be aware enough of the partners signs to know where they are surrendering their ego to Love or whether they are feeding their ego from desire.
Again romantic Love and the Union of two souls into a Third requires both souls be at the same maturity or ripeness to consumate the entrance into union.
Many cultural ideals, illnesses and a variety of other factors make this very difficult to achieve but not impossible.
St. Francis had his ego center shifted getting out of a carriage to kick a man out of his way when he touched him and was transformed.
Love is gentle Love is kind..because it is not the love of an object of possession or ownership.
Love is an experience and participation in an awareness of unity where all separation ceases.

If jaded is what you need to be to heal than be jaded but your ability to be hurt by the events is the hidden evidence of your capacity to sincerely Love and the hurt hides the Gold of who you are!

Peace



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Posted on Sun, Sep 11, 2005 07:23


revolutionarypassion write:
I always wondered what it was that kept a relationship going... I've heard and experienced so many things.

Is it communication? Is it understanding? Is it your level of tolerance? Worse yet, is it convenience?

Communication is key no matter what the relationship, romantic or friendship...this goes hand-in-hand with honesty. If you can't communicate and be honest with your feelings then all your communication is a waste of time. Why communicate lies to someone or say something that you think the other wants to hear?

Be true to yourself and your soul. You have to be with yourself the longest time of all. If you don't like what you're saying or doing, then stop and follow what you know is right.

The glue for the relationship is there if you let it. It's something both of you generate to the other and work on because it's an end result you both desire. It should never be one sided.

Although we can all place our opinions on what this magical glue consists of, for each of us it's different but the results are the same...we find someone who loves us for who we are; mind, body and soul, and the feelings are returned full force.


I think the notion of a magical glue is to misconstrue that true love is as a craft project that requires an outside addition to make it stick.

What is the glue that holds the moon in view or the earth in place spinning around the suns smiling face? What is the nail that keeps the sun centered?
I would say there is no glue it is something so rare but true when you don't sell out because the journey is to hard or close down your heart because the pain has been too great. When you release yourself to fate and have truly come to know who you are than that moment comes like a shooting star a red bolt of lightening passionate and bright suddenly you hold what you could not see and you are again in harmony with eternity. As two heavenly bodies your heart, soul, mind and bodies align and your orbits combine.
What holds you together is "You" itself and a solar system of discoveries those simple but deep recoveries of that mysterious unity so veiled by individuality. She pulls at your oceans and you rise with devotion. She cast her moonlight upon your darkness and your brooding night shines. You shower her with sunlight and feel the breath of her greenery as she delights your rays with endless scenery! You let your fingers fall through trees and raise her moist breath at dawn. You share storms of electricity, winds of change and seasons without age. You stay together because you are the universe together and there is no I or you or a need for some special glue because in that sacred lover's space their is only one face of us together there is only an "US" forever!

  


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Posted on Sat, Sep 10, 2005 14:35


revolutionarypassion write:
I always wondered what it was that kept a relationship going... I've heard and experienced so many things.

Is it communication? Is it understanding? Is it your level of tolerance? Worse yet, is it convenience?

Communication is key no matter what the relationship, romantic or friendship...this goes hand-in-hand with honesty. If you can't communicate and be honest with your feelings then all your communication is a waste of time. Why communicate lies to someone or say something that you think the other wants to hear?

Be true to yourself and your soul. You have to be with yourself the longest time of all. If you don't like what you're saying or doing, then stop and follow what you know is right.

The glue for the relationship is there if you let it. It's something both of you generate to the other and work on because it's an end result you both desire. It should never be one sided.

Although we can all place our opinions on what this magical glue consists of, for each of us it's different but the results are the same...we find someone who loves us for who we are; mind, body and soul, and the feelings are returned full force.



Hiya Rev,

I completely agree. Honesty does indeed go hand-in-hand with communication. I suppose I just took that part for granted and assumed it was just a "given" with no need to be written.

Tolerance is indeed something needed in both friendships and romance (and in ALL aspects of life that deals with others).But I would suspect that as time continues to go by in a commited relationship - the tolerance present in the begining deminishes with time as each person in the relationship somewhat "melds" into and takes on their partner's traits as their own - the morals, practices and beliefs of their partner to then become a couple.

You are a very wise woman Rev, genuine and sincere. I very much enjoy reading your contributions to these forums.

  


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