i didn't know where to put this, but i always thought is was a nice saying...hope someone enjoys it......I know sometimes you wonder when you're feeling all alone, when times are more than difficult and your cares seem all your own, just remember that i'm praying god will watch and care for you. When you doubt his love and presence, he will prove to you it's true. He guards your every footstep though you do not know he's there-when you find this angels feather, know he's been there---unaware.......(now everytime someone does find a feather, i hope it will make them wonder and smile, just a little bit)

Thank you, Turtle_licious, I appreciate the thoughts. And we can all use more prayers now and then.

hey...no wisecracks about shell, ok?! :)

the only thing I can say that hasn't been said is, take how ever much time you need to grieve. we all do it differently. don't let anyone tell you it's "time". you'll know when the time is right for YOU. in the meantime...will say a prayer for you and Arlene.

p.s. I agree...beautiful words

babybaby,

Thank you for the thoughts, ma'am, I appreciate it. I'm still in the early stages yet, getting through first anniversaries, birthdays, traditional activities we used to share, and so on.

I'm on this and some other singles sites mostly because I'm afraid if I don't push myself to socialize I will withdraw completely. I used to be that way. It would be so easy to just pull back and hoard old memories, never being vulnerable or taking a chance, until one day I would look around and realize it had been thirty years and I hadn't really lived a day of it.

The fact that I don't have any regrets for things undone or words unsaid (although you never say or do enough) makes it easier. There have been times in the last couple of years that this would have destroyed me; times when we were angry with each other and acting like children about it. Times when I was thinking about leaving. Had I lost her then, the guilt would have crushed me. We made it a rule from the beginning, and only broke it a couple of times, that you never, ever leave the house mad and you never go to bed mad (OK, we did break that one more than we should have). Made for some long nights.

I am finding friends in unexpected places (present company excluded- I knew as soon as I found this site that I'd find friends here), and working hard at coming out of my shell. Before too long, I suspect that people will be looking for a way to stuff me back into that shell again. C'est la vie!

Scubohuntr--that was touching.
Sometimes we don't get the time we want with certain people, but that time we were allowed is so special.
It's been 10 1/2 yrs since my love passed. It was just last week, I had gotten out of the car and was walking to the door, and out of no-where I thought, "I sure do miss you Danny" I wasn't and didn't cry, in fact I chuckled at myself, cause I could just hear my older sis and a few others, if they heard me say that. To them--I will always miss him, no matter how many years go by!!! My daughter and I adopt an angel each year and buy for it, in memory of him.
May peace be with you and your family.

good then, hugs are always good....

beatitudes_5, thank you, ma'am, I'll consider myself hugged. Before all this, I'd been through both ways; my mother died in 1994 with no illness and no warning at the age of 56. I was living four states away at the time, and always regretted not having a chance to say goodbye.

Dad passed away in 2000 after two years or so of fighting a particularly nasty skin cancer. We had our chance to say goodbye, but watching him in ever-increasing pain, losing touch with reality from the huge doses of painkillers, and just the helplessness of the whole situation was at least as hard. It was almost a relief when his suffering finally ended.

I guess, reading through what I posted last night, that I'm not coping quite as well as I thought I was. I had hoped to be able to ride to work today, but the weather didn't cooperate (temps in the teens). I'll just have to do some quiet chrome polishing tonight instead.

LadyB04, thank you for your kind words, and I love the rose idea. A very thoughtful thing to do. That's why I bought the bike, which there was no way I could have done otherwise, so she rides with me everywhere I go.

"Life is pain. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."
- 'The Princess Bride' by William Goldman

scubohunter....happy aniversay... just read you post, and it sounds like you have been to hell and back....my heart goes out to you and your family....i was there back in 88, my husband had brain ca., and survived 7 years with it before it took him...i know that there are no words in the human language that can ease your pain, but you wrote wonderful memories of her, from love in your heart, and there will be many signs from her side to you to let you know she is always with you....if you were closer, i'd give you a big hug. i know this sounds sick in a way, but there are times that i have forgotten special dates, i don't think out of coldness, i figured, and was told by counclers, i just but it away so deep to survive...before i babble on forever, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children, for all the love and strength this world can offer you.....you take special care...

Tomorrow would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. I probably wouldn't have done as much as I should to celebrate it; I've always been bad at that. The one thing that makes it all bearable is that through all those years, we never put anything off until tomorrow. We spent money we didn't have, and went into debt for it, but we siezed the day- every day. I'll miss her for the rest of my life, but grief won't stop me. My faith promises that I'll see her again, and without the burden of things left undone, I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on.

Good night, Arlene, and happy anniversary. I'll see you at the end of the trail.

...And then there's the 'not really a big deal' call that goes all wrong.

"She's having trouble breathing, so we're sending her up to ICU with an airway. You might want to come down here." In the ten frantic minutes it takes to drive to the hospital, this changes to "We've got her on full life support; we can do a heart-lung bypass, but I don't think she'll make it to the OR." There's the call to the kids, who are just getting home from school, and rounding up a neighbor to drive them 70 miles to the hospital. There's a late-night discussion with the ICU nurses, then the calls to inlaws at 6 AM. Explanations to kids who are just old enough to grasp the terror, without really understanding. As the inlaws trickle in the situation grows steadily worse. The bypass has to be moved to relieve swelling; several hours later it has to be moved again. Late in the second day, organs begin shutting down, the kids are hustled in to say their goodbyes, and the vigil begins, watching the EKG trace getting slower, more irregular, then... 33 hours or so from the call, telling me there was a little complication from a trivial medical procedure, half of me is gone.

Now I have to hit the ground running, because there's no training period for single parenthood. We spend the first month or so in bunker mode, doing only what we need to survive. Gradually we learn to cope, more or less. Counselor appointments become part of the routine. A life insurance check arrives, and we catch up on some of the bills. When I'm ready, I walk into the Harley shop and write a check for a memorial bike. She would have loved it- yellow pearl with Screamin Eagle pipes.

If you go please let me I'd like to know where she is and do that mandyboerner at the hot place. Thanks!

Linda I am very sorry to hear about your loss... Is that why you havent been on here in awhile??? I saw you on here quite awhile ago and never heard anything from you again...but our thoughts are with you honey..

I find that to be true. My mother just passed away 4/16/05. One week ago today. My sister and I were in her bedroom and a penny was there by the bed. My sister picked it up and said, a penny from heaven. I know my mother is okay, she had cancer. Now she is happy with my Dad and her family.

mandy

my heart goes out to you--my son's birth 6/11/82 and the fear we go through as a parent--the day after his 17th birthday he was a passenger in a bad car accident--the driver had to be airlifted out
the fone call from hell turned out to be ok for me--and my soul aches for you

Thank you Bikerman!

Mandy

I don't know you but I can feel your pain. Nothing can be worse then losing one of your children. I never have , so far, hopefully never will. I read your words several times, I'll admit they made me cry because I can feel your pain. I can only say what I'm sure you already know, be thankful for the time you did have with your son, the love you gave and received with him and know that he is without pain now and watching over you. I hope and pray that you can somehow find peace and serenity in your life after such a tragic loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you all for your kindness. I wait patiently for the moments my son will contact me. But I pray he is at peace. This is the poem I wrote for him:
A Poem to Ryan
7-22-82 ? 3-16-05

If I could take all your pain away I would
If I could change the outcome I would
If I could take your place I would
If my love could bring you back it would
If I could have been a better mom I would of

But could and would is
never going to change what has happened
Could and would is never going to
heal my heart or dry my tears
Could and would is never going to let me kiss
you, hug you or say I love you again

If I could change her words to you I would
If I could of made her love you I would of
If I could make her feel your pain I would
If I could ask her why I would
If I could of listened better I would of

But could and would is never going to make
you come back
Could and would is never going change what
they did to you
Could and would are words that are bittersweet now

If I could make them see the excessive force they
demonstrated I would
If I could make them feel what you felt I would
If I could make them see how frightened you were I would
If I could make them see this was not justified I would

But could and would is what should keep them
awake at night knowing they took your life needlessly
Because could and would are tearing me apart

I will love you unconditionally always and forever
I miss you more and more each passing day if that is possible
You will forever be my baby and my son, I love you!

Love Now and Always, Mom

Redchapps, thanks for your kind words. The wounds slowly heal but the warm memories stay forever. Even after 6 years, some days are better than others. There are few days that go by that I don't know in some little way that my 5 angels are looking after me.

TNB: I am sorry for your losses. Thanks for sharing that and I hope your wounds are healing. I have always believed in the spiritual world, from a very early age and have had many experiences. Its very comforting to know that there is someone/something watching over us. J