Doctor-Patient Confidentiality
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass
bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe se x.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe se x.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pi-s-sed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my a-s-s for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady b-itch-es cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a-s-sholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little sh-it-s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a-s-s and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her b-oo-bs.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F..@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly
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Wait for it.......
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"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot if I go down, I go down in flames!"
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
>
>it's his daughter's birthday.
>
>
>
>He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the
>
>Barbie on the display window?"
>
>
>
>The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
>
>Work out Barbie for $19.95
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>Shopping Barbie for $19.95
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>Beach Barbie for $19.95
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>Disco Barbie for $19.95
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>Divorced Barbie for $265.95
>
>
>
>The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
>
>the others only $19.95?"
>
>
>
>The salesperson annoyingly answers :
>
>Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
>
>Ken's Car,
>
>Ken's House,
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>Ken's Boat,
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>Ken's Furniture,
>
>Ken's Computer and...
>
>One of Ken's Friends
outdoorsman63 write: Official Announcement: >> >>The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from >>an >>Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the >>government's >>political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts >>production, >>destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr!cks, and gives >>you >>a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. >> >>Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Tennessee boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
Official Announcement:
>>
>>The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from
>>an
>>Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the
>>government's
>>political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts
>>production,
>>destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr!cks, and gives
>>you
>>a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
>>
>>Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
>He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,"Thank
>you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing,
>food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says
>"You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
>
>
> The man goes on and en*counters another passer-by. "Thank you for
>having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says "I no
>American, I Vietnamese."
>
>
>
> The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
>shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America !" That
>person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an
>American!"
>
>
>
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an
>American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia !" So he is puzzled, and asks
>her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch,
>shrugs, and says..."Probably at work!"
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repiarman. Since she had to go to work, She told the repairman. " I,ll leave the key under the mat." Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, an I,ll send you a check." " Oh, by the way donnt worry about my bulldog. He wont bother you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY CIRCUNSTANCES, TALK TO MY PARROT!!" I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT OKAY!!!" When the repiarman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the wholetime with his inncessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repiarman couldnt contain himself any longer an yelled. " Shutup, you stupidugly bird!!!" To whitch the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!!!!!"
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues! "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery!"
bellairkid write: "Roses are red violets are korny, when I think of you Ohh baby I get horny, Eat me, Beat me, Bite me, Blow me, Su*k me, Fu%k me, Very Slowly, if you kiss me, don't be sassy, Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, " Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute the says, " Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past 3 in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerfull and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, " Kemo Sabe you dumber than buffalo sh*t, someone has stolen the tent."
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Tennessee boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Tennessee boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico
our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Tennessee boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we
don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
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