Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lic*k Maneuver," but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought is was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him
if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of
course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on
his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen and wrote his letter to God.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago"
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
MOVIE THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
NHTSA did a study of what transpires in the last seconds before a crash. They found that in 90% of the accidents, the last words uttered were "Oh, SH1T". In the remaining 10%, which happened exclusively in Ark, Ok and Tx, the last words uttered were "Here, hold my beer, I wanna try this!"
A little old lady goes to a physician, saying, Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and I sneak them out silently. As a matter of fact, I've far*ted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was far*ting because I do it with no noise and they don't have any aroma.
The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
When she returns she says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me but its awful. I still break wind without any noise but the stink could kill you."
The doctor says, "Excellent. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.....
(......Awwww BK took that lil barfing smiley guy away......)
There's a large lake in the middle of the woods. 6" above the water is a fly circling around and around. Well, under the water is a fish watching the fly buzz round and round. He thinks to himself, "You know, if thaT FLY DROPS 6", i COULD JUMP OUT OF THE WATER, SNATCH THE FLY AND HAVE ME A REALLY GOOD SNACK". At the edge of the lake, up the hill, is a bear watching this fly buzzing around and around 6" above the water. The bear thinks to himself " If that fly drops 6" , the fish will come up and grab the fly and I could jump up and grab the fish and have me a really good meal"
further up the hill is a hunter hiding behind a tree. He's watching the fly buzz round and round 6" above the water and he thinks to himself, "if that fly drops 6". the fish will jump up and get the fly, the bear will jump out and get the fish, then I could come out from behind the tree, shoot the bear and have me a really good meal"
Behind the hunter is a mouse hiding in a bush. The mouse is watching all that's going on and says to himself, "You know,if that fly drops 6" the fish will jump up to get the fly, the bear will jump to get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, then I can run out and eat the sandwich the hunter has and have me a really good meal".
Behind the mouse, further up the hill is a cat, watching all the goings on. He thinks to himself, " You know, if the fly drops 6", the fish will come out of the water, get the fly, the bear will come and get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will come out to get the sandwich and I will jump on the mouse and have me a really good meal"
Well, that fly is buzzing round and round above the water and all of a sudden, he drops 6". The fish gets the fly, the bear comes out and gets the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse comes and gets the sandwich, and the cat JUMPS out to get the mouse, MISSES , and goes tumbling down the hill and falls into the water.....
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed
their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
Freddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his pe*nis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Freddie asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his pe*nis, and hope for the best.
Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having se*x again is even scarier, so he says OK.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Freddie takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Freddie starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his pe*nis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my a*s*s."