Have a laugh.... Entertainment and Hobbies

  • View author's info posted on Mar 06, 2005 16:28

    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the
    devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
    have no
    room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
    I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as

    I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
    let YOU decide who leaves."

    George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil
    opened the
    first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He
    diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such
    was his fate in hell.

    "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
    don't think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
    and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
    after time , after time.

    "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
    agony if
    all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

    The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
    naked on
    the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
    eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does

    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally

    "Yeah, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"
  • View author's info posted on Mar 05, 2005 16:09

    Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
    asks if he had done his chores.
    "Not yet," said Little Johnny.
    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
    Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
    chicken he goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
    pigs and he kicks a pig.
    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
    "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
    cereal?" he asks.
    "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
    eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
    week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
    any milk."
    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
    across the kitchen.
    Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going
    to tell him, or should I?"
  • View author's info posted on Mar 05, 2005 05:02

    Bad news, Michael Jackson was admitted into the hospital last week for phnuemonia.
    Good news, it wasn't a childrens hospital.
  • View author's info posted on Mar 03, 2005 08:40

    ~~ Bad Four Letter Words ~~

    Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

    A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

    "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"

    "Oh, mama,"she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."suddenly she burst out crying. "But,mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
    started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got
    to take me home...,

    "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

    "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
    embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME,

    "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
    these horrible 4-letter words!"

    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

    I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
  • View author's info posted on Feb 28, 2005 17:17

    The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

    Here are this year's winners:

    1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the bunch:

    18. Ignoranus: A person who's both s...
  • View author's info posted on Feb 28, 2005 12:57

    A liar, a child molester and Micheal Jackson walk into a bar. Wait, nevermind, they're the same guy.
  • View author's info posted on Feb 25, 2005 21:54

    One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly,
    gets his lunch made, puts on his long john's, grabs his gun and goes
    to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite
    hunting area.

    He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really
    pouring down. It is a torrential downpour. There is also some snow
    mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes
    back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He
    finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later he
    puts his truck back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back
    into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a
    different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is
    really terrible."

    To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid-ass
    husband is out hunting in that shit?"
  • View author's info posted on Feb 19, 2005 20:10

    A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
    the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
    dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
    were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.

    Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


    At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
    slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
    instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

    Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
    husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
    minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
    had died of a "massive internal fart."

    Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


    I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
    test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
    "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
    perfectly. "Now your left."

    Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
    He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
    discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
    standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard
    to finish the exam.

    Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


    During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
    cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
    with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.
    The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
    running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
    discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over
    fifty patches on his body! ...
  • View author's info posted on Feb 19, 2005 19:18

    Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back

    10. - Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
    9. - Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
    8. - Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
    7. - Afraid to let go of the handlebars because they might vibrate off.
    6. - Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
    5. - Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
    4. - Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.
    3. - Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
    2. - Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
    1. - They're jealous that after spending $20,000, they still don't own a Gold Wing.
  • View author's info posted on Feb 16, 2005 18:06

    "auto wave back" button LMAO rolling an the floor!!!!! my sides hurt!!!!!!
  • View author's info posted on Feb 16, 2005 17:43

    A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
    Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

    Dear Ricky,

    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
    between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you
    twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm
    sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

    Love, Becky

    The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
    snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
    ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky,
    Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
    collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along
    with this note:

    Dear Becky,

    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please
    take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

    Take Care, Ricky
  • View author's info posted on Feb 15, 2005 18:19

    Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
    10. - Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
    9. - Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
    8. - Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
    7. - Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
    6. - The expresso machine just finished.
    5. - Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
    4. - Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.
    3. - Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
    2. - Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
    1. - Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on the dashboard.
  • View author's info posted on Feb 14, 2005 22:47

    A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

    The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
  • View author's info posted on Feb 13, 2005 09:06

    Char, you have such great jokes!!
  • View author's info posted on Feb 12, 2005 15:24

    now that takes the prize (pun intended)
  • View author's info posted on Feb 08, 2005 16:26

    A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

    "Yeah right!" she says.

    A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

    The woman is amazed!

    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's jewels. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly.

    He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by golly, we took first and second prize".
  • View author's info posted on Feb 08, 2005 07:25

    An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors. Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow.

    The old man just stared and stared. Every time the
    young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

    Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
  • View author's info posted on Feb 07, 2005 20:23

    Sorry lowryder...I spelled your name wrong.
  • View author's info posted on Feb 07, 2005 20:21

    BWHAHAHAHA Lowrider..you made me laugh out loud....Cweet Char
  • View author's info posted on Feb 06, 2005 15:21

    Just Say NO!

    A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

    "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

    "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

    The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

    At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
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