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Posted on Apr 18, 2007 at 05:42 PM

I have this major problem I have had it all my life. I will do everything in my power, including go without what I need to do what others want, I just can't say no. My friends know they can count on me for anything that is in my power, one freind tells me just say no. I just can't seem to do it. How do you tell a friend no when you know you should? I have actually became ill letting myself go to do for others after working my butt off at my own job and life bs. Help???

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Posted on Apr 23, 2007 at 03:01 PM

IT IS A DISEASE I HAVE IT TOO IT IS THE DOORMAT SYNDROME IT IS INBRED GOD MAKES SOME OF US TOO SWEET SO WE GET USED NO VASELINE I AM TRYING TO LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF ME FIRST IT IS HARD CAUSE I CAN'T SAY NO EITHER

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Posted on Apr 22, 2007 at 07:18 PM

Kim yeah I know James is really one of us. LOL Hey are you ridding to ES if so are you ridding up with us? We are going to leave around 9am let the work folks go to work on Thursday then we can leave. We'd love to have ya ridding or trailering.

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Posted on Apr 22, 2007 at 06:49 PM

Well Nancy, This could be my blog. And I agree with you 100% and I do believe it will come back ten fold. It is what makes you ,You! Don't try to be someone your not. Sometimes, a NO just isn't in us. Sometimes if we did say No, that would eat us up more than if we said Yes. Sometimes people learn to say No, and it make them become a bitter person. Don't ever be afraid to let others help you as it makes them feel good and we all need this occasionally. BTW...James, is good at telling me to say now too, but, he secretly is one of us too!LOL.

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Posted on Apr 22, 2007 at 02:09 PM

Ms Henderson no not catholic. But guilt fills all religons.

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Posted on Apr 21, 2007 at 10:57 AM

Are you Catholic? I am and it took me most of my adult life to learn to say no. It's the guilt thing that has been beaten into us for 2 thousand years. Don't waste your $$ on assertiveness training, they are consultants for whiners; consultants are unable to DO, so they tell other people 'how to'. Saying 'NO' may cost you a friend or two, but they weren't true friends to begin with. Hell, I just told my one son that I would not be attending his wedding. Poor planning on their part, sorry about their luck. His real mom is my best friend and she is the one that told me not to change my plans for the summer. Maybe you just need a person that gives you permission to say NO, until you are used to saying it on your own!

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Posted on Apr 21, 2007 at 10:13 AM

Being "the rock" is a great quality in a person but you are right, when it starts taking a toll on you it is time to take a step back and not be so depenable. I have the same problem and it take work to stop being the one everyone counts on. It gets easier once you say no a few times. Now that I have gotten over the guilt I try to focus more on picking a time, sitting down and just sending a quick note via snail mail to friends. They have stopped depending on me so much but still appreciate getting something in the mail and they all know if they are having a big crisis they can still count on me. It was just too much being everything to everybody, even family. I had to pull back and take time for me or ultimately I was going to be the one having the crisis.

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Posted on Apr 21, 2007 at 05:44 AM

See I told ya I can say no I just have a hard time doing it.

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Posted on Apr 20, 2007 at 06:19 PM

Sher, I told you time and again that pic of me was not for BK consumption. I don't want the world to know I really have the body of Jessica Rabbit! Hey, can I steal that from you for my profile pic?????

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Posted on Apr 19, 2007 at 04:36 PM

Glideman-I did not say not to you I told you that you could not afford me there's a difference! LOL I only charge what I'm worth and thats a lot. Cher-your sooo bad Troll I know I need to set those boundries and I have been exercising the whole no, or I can not do it today but I would be happy to do it on friday. Bat I know I've been a giver all my life, my dad rest his sole said I'd give the shirt off my back if I thought you needed it worst than me, he was right. gone in 7 seconds you are so deep but so true. demoman- wow a man that can't say no humm does it go like this' yes yeah baby oh yea! LOL TTT no I don't feel guilty just sometimes I wonder if my friends have the same problem saying no as I do thats all.

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Posted on Apr 19, 2007 at 06:42 AM

This will sound silly, but it worked for my Friend. A schoolteacher, she also couldn't say "No." (except to ME!!! :) Her friends, co-workers, family - EVERYBODY leaned on her and, from where I stood, nobody ever "did for her" - it was always her doing for everybody else. I don't know from whence came the idea, but she bought herself a "No" Ring. She wore it on the middle finger of her left hand. And she developed the habit of looking at the ring, and even rubbing it, when - say - a teacher who never "payed back" would ask her to "take recess for me" - or any other number of the things people were constantly asking her to do for them. It seemed to help. For one thing it helped her just by shutting down the "Automatic Yes" response. Made her THINK before agreeing to do something she didn't want to do. You can also use something similar to help train yourself to know that it's all right to accept things that others want to do for you. Doug

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Posted on Apr 19, 2007 at 06:14 AM

I think alot of woman have this problem, its the female thing to try to help everyone and make sure everyone is ok then with what time you have left you do wehatever you can for yourself. I found this out after having kids, They come first, then the man in my life is next , then any friends or family that need anything , then I may be able to squeeze an hour a week in for myself..Ive learned you cant help people unless your in a good place yourself..You have to just say no I dont have the time, and stick to it, eventually they will realize you cant all the time and will stop asking so much, its not a bad thing to think of yourself first..wish I had learned this along time ago..although my kids will always come first, no matter what they need : )

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Posted on Apr 18, 2007 at 10:57 PM

Nanc It's easy ... No! I mean NO... Dont ask again ... MMM... Well maybe... Oh Ok ...But don't tell...LMAO

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Posted on Apr 18, 2007 at 10:40 PM

You need assertiveness training which a lot of women did when women learnt about asserting themselves and their rights. Its about respecting you rights needs and values and respecting theirs. It also challenges the historical assumption and inbuilt training that women are their to meet everyone's needs or whim and make them happy or we are not doing our job. Assertiveness Training helps you understand your personality and helps you say things without being Aggressive, or Passive or Manipulative. You simply think what it is and why you cannot or in fact don't want to do this (Yes. you have a right to say no becasue you simply don't want to do it) Then tell your friend straight that although she is a good friend you cannot help her because of your commitments and you need more time for your self. Go to an asseriveness class or get one of the books "A Woman in Her Own Right" Dickinson or "The Assertive Woman" Sidney Phelps and Nacy Austin (Very good) It may help you in your search for a partner as it helps you identify your needs and boundaries. PS There are also lots of free advice on line just type Assertiveness and women and lots will pop up. I found a really good site once run by two professional women, But I did not bookmark it and have never found it since. But there is a lot there. JUnie

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Posted on Apr 18, 2007 at 08:53 PM

Hmmm..maybe I misunderstood. It sounds now as though you feel guilty if someone does for you. This is interesting. I totally agree with Bat, you have to have boundaries. I agree with gone too about the "feeling". So, are you wondering if your friends are feeling resentful and yet doing things they don't really feel up to doing (at times) just as you do at times? Maybe resentful is too strong a word. Let's go with less enthusiastic. It' is perfectly healthy, as Bat said, to draw a definite line and stick to it. We cannot be everything to everybody. First, we wear ourselves down (as is what is happening to you) and then people just assume you will always do what they want when they want, take advantage, then they may even start losing respect. That is the far end of the spectrum. But you can't say no all the time either. It is hard to find that balance. Most especially when it has been tipped one way for so long. So, let's just say you find some semblence of balance. Is there still the question of others feeling the same? This makes for a very interesting conversation on dynamics of friendships. Shoot, where did I put that Ph.D?

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Posted on Apr 18, 2007 at 08:15 PM

There isn't enough room in this box for me to write down all that is necessary for you to understand what is happening. It has to do with the concept of your ego. "Only you think about your ego, no one else. Only you think that your ego is enthroned; for everyone else it is not so. No one agrees with your ego except you; everyone else is against it. But you go on living in a dream, in a delusion. You create your own image. You feel that image, you protect that image, and you think the whole world exists for it. This is a delirium, a madness. This is not reality...rather than lose your ego, you try to avoid seeing the reality." The 1st lesson in response to this is: Feel, don't think. If you feel, you will feel yourself centered near the heart, rather than having just a thought, which will come from your head. "Whenever you feel deeply, you are headless." Sounds funny but people have been studying it for centuries. I learned long ago that it was destructive to allow others to make their problems my problems. I learned not only to say "no," but when someone started whining, "I don't care." It shocks them back to reality. So when someone tries to avail themselves of your assistance at a time when you FEEL you cannot do it, let your heart do the talking: "I know you need the help and I would love to help you but I can't." Don't THINK about how others will react. Just FEEL how relaxed you will become once you tell the truth! "And that's all I have to say about that."

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Posted on Apr 18, 2007 at 07:16 PM

Ya know I see where your coming from TTT but the things ask of me are small never money everyone knows I spend it on ME! I will buy dinner and drinks for friends sometimes and I ask my friends for favors but I just wonder sometimes when I ask are they put out because they say yes. Like Glideman taking me home from the shop from dropping my bike off did he have plans was he doing something I took him away from? Ya see what I'm getting at? James tells me all the time Just say NO! He sees me doing and doing, but others do for me too. I have always been a believer you get it back ten fold, and if not you don't need it.

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Posted on Apr 18, 2007 at 05:50 PM

I was the same way for years Harley and it does make you sick. I withdrew from everyone. Including my family. This was at the time of the abuser too. I just worked, worked, worked. Then slowly started letting people back in and had to bite the bullet and say no to little things at first. Alanon really helped, my sponser was a tough chick, lol and she really helped. It was a slow process. You've been this way all your life, you can't change overnight and they would give you a fight if you did. Try it with small things first. Good luck. T

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