Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a hillbilly from North Carolina, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes.
That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied.
If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.
Then again, I may be wrong.
Earl Butz was the first known (to me) victim of political correctness, years before the term was coined, and all over what might have been perceived by more open minds as an admiring observation of one race's proclivities for sensible footwear, bathroom comfort and what is arguably the most universally desired female attribute. May he rest in peace.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up! He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
...has the same blog been on top continuously for several days? It has 5 views and no replies, it's private, and can be read only by the poster's 'circle of friends'.
Since this blog hit the top of the list, I bet 50 new blogs have been started, and several hundred blog entries made - but this one stays on top.
What's up with that?
Jack was sitting on the plane ready to depart for New Orleans when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Wal-Mart Employee: "Hello 'dis Walmarts, how kin I hep you?"
Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
Walmart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"
Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".
Walmart Employee: "Dat all? Okay, Bye."
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in Hill Country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Ham Sandwich: $2.50
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in up state New York.
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her 'red sisters and brothers'.
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of SHIT it can no longer fly.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - Fireman, Mechanic, Businessman, Salesman,
Doctor, Lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some math problems and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
I'm so glad that 3 days and a few hours away from October the wizards at BK decided to grace us with the Model of September.
I had to do a double take on the picture, as on first glance I thought the poor woman didn't have any nipples. On further review, I decided what I thought was her chest must be her right shoulder & upper arm. Thank Goodness.