Can you Hear Me Now??
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away
from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
"Honey, What's for dinner?"
Again, no response. sso, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"EARL FOR THE 5TH TIME, CHICKEN!"
Let me explain, The White Couch. Some men or women are like a white couches.
The white couch is nice to look at, it matches about everything, and they have style and class, however, you wouldn't want to own one. The White Couch must be the center of attention, over-stuffed with themselves and high maintenance.
Have You Dated A White Couch?
As I am known, I don't cook much anymore, it's no fun for just one person. But I did get a New Blonde Cook Book, so I met a "Victim" and this is what has happened.
Monday - "Victim" asked for an Angel Food Cake food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday - "Victim" wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when "Victim" brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday - A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday - "Victim" asked for salad again, so I tried another new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. "Victim" asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday - I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday - "Victim" did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason "Victim" keeps counting to ten.
Sunday - "Victims'" folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Start of 2nd Week - This has been a very exciting week cooking. I am eager for this new week to come so I can try out a new recipe on "Victim". If I can talk "Victim" into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked
hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, You're Fired!"
A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of the Alamo."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."
Just joking ya'll Northerners...
In a hospital's ICU, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 AM, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the Doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM, on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM, all of the Doctors and Nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books; and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday Sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day --
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view of the cheering crowd, a killer whale ate them both.
Another Bad Day --
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughter house in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb he mailed. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting that he sent the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There, are we feeling better now?
Beautiful is a word rarely associated with burly motorcyclists, but that is how Rosa Hollingsworth described the processional Tuesday that escorted the Dignity Memorial Vietnam Wall into Killeen.
Hollingsworth, the widow of the firstveteran buried in the Central Texas State Veterans Cemetery, rode in the lead car escorting the memorial wall to the cemetery, where it will be displayed Friday through Sunday.
Her husband, Donald, a veteran of both the Vietnam and Korean wars, was instrumental in bringing the cemetery to Killeen. (Commander of VFW Post 8577 -which I am a life member of)
Hollingsworth was accompanied by daughters Barbara Mims, of Copperas Cove, and Jane Bellinger, of Belton.
"I don't think people realize how much has been given in the name of freedom," Bellinger said. "This trip has been such a powerful experience for us. It is a reminder of how much so many people have given in the name of freedom."
More than 600 motorcyclists from across Texas turned out to escort the wall from Waco to Killeen.
"The most emotional part of the journey was when we turned off the highway and cars had pulled on to the side of the rode to wave us on," said rider Tom Creek of Copperas Cove. "I choked up a little when I saw the soldiers standing at attention on the roadside."
After arriving at the cemetery, volunteers assisted in unloading the panels of the wall from the truck. After unloading the panels used to support the wall, visitors paused to observe a ceremony that has become a tradition prior to erecting the monument ? the placement of a Purple Heart at the apex of the wall.
"When the original wall in Washington, D.C., was being built, construction workers saw someone toss an object into the concrete foundation," said Chris Robinson, a volunteer for the memorial visit. "When they realized he had thrown a Purple Heart in, they asked him why. The answer became part of a ritual for the wall."
According to a plaque that travels with the wall, the soldier believed the wall, which was built as a place to promote healing, needed a heart of its own in order to accomplish that. After hearing the story, a family visiting the traveling wall in Illinois donated a son's Purple Heart Award to Dignity Memorial.
The Purple Heart sits beneath the panel that bears the soldier's name. The name Robert John Achas is etched into panel E-1, line 95, the exact center, and heart, of the Vietnam Wall.
The memorial wall is a three-quarter-scale replica of the memorial in Washington, D.C. Dignity Memorial funeral, cremation and cemetery service providers created the powerful replica in 1990 as a courtesy to those who may never visit the nation's capital to see the wall firsthand.
Since the traveling wall was built, it has been displayed in more than 200 cities and visited by hundreds of thousands of Americans. In 2004, the reported number of visitors to the wall was 900,000.
The faux-granite replica is 240 feet long and stands 8 feet tall. The names of 58,000 Americans who died or are missing in Vietnam have been inscribed on the wall's surface.
The memorial will be open to the public Friday through Sunday. Opening ceremonies for the exhibit will be held at noon Friday with an additional ceremony at 1 p.m. Saturday. Closing ceremonies will be at 8 p.m. Sunday. During the opening ceremony, organizations, businesses and individuals will have an opportunity to lay wreaths at the base of the wall.
1. Open a new file in your computer
2. Name it Hillary Rodham Clinton
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you,
"Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?
6. Firmly Click Yes
7. Feel better?
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While
the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up
with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked
oatmeal. Who would have done
such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my
thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my
guard was down, the thieves struck again.
My ass was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new ass was attached at least three inches lower than my
original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for
lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the
hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked
repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.
What could they do to me next?
My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story.
I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using ..
You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy
Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out
of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
NOW YOU MAY LAUGH...
I have thought about going overseas again, and this is what google maps provided to me...
2. get directs
3. type in - get direction
from New York to London
4. MUST READ NO. 24 OF THE DIRECTIONS
Please No Releasement of Fluids through your nostrils.
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Some of his comments.
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. (especially in Texas)
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied with growing older and would like to go back to your youthful days, stop and think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble and yourself, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Hey TTT, think that this could be incorporated into the BK Blog Manuel?
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a
real- memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger
and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing
and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Are Your Balls In Working Order?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw
a blonde coming toward him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading. The blonde came up to him and asked,
"What do you have under the newspaper?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The blonde walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied:
I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this blonde asked
me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the blonde, and asked her, "What did you do to the man who was sunbathing here?" After a pause, the blonde replied,
"To him?..... Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."