A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely, stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
"That was good," said the teacher, "but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not 'fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family wento to see rock City and I was fascinated."
"Well, that was good, Sally," said the teacher, "but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. Finally, she decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said: "My aut Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
Editor: Score another one for Little Johnny, !
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy
asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?' Grandpa replied, 'Can your pecker touch
your ass?' The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, it's just a little pecker!'
Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I
have a cigar?' Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered 'no,' again. Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man
enough to have a cigar.'!
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?' The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch
your ass?' Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'The boy
replied, 'Then go fuck your! self! Grandma made these for me.'
...A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me,
too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Body: : Body: FREAK IN BED TEST GET A PICE A PAPER AND NUMBER 1-13
AND NO CHEATING!!
SEE THE RESULTS AT THE END OF THE TEST!
WHEN YOU SEND IT ON PUT YOUR SCORE IN THE SUBJECT BAR..
1.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
A. LIGHT COLOR
B. CHANGE COLORS
2.IF YOU WERE TO MEET UP WITH THE CRUSH OF YOUR LIFE YOU WOULD...
A. SEDUCE THEM
B. JUST CHILL
C. CHILL AND THEN SEDUCE
3.WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF WEATHER?
4.WHATS THE BEST TYPE OF FRUIT?
5.THE BEST PART OF THE 24 HOURS IS....
6.WHATS THE BEST SEASON OF THE YEAR?
7.HEADBOARD OR NO HEADBOARD?
8.WHATS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
9.PICK A PLACE YOU WOULD HAVE SEX AT OUT OF THESE...
A. ASRTO VAN
B. ON THE ROOF TOP OF A BUILDING
D. AIR PLANE
E. PARENTS ROOM
F. ALL OF THE ABOVE
10.YOUR PHONE SERVICE?
G. BOOST MOB
11.PICK AN ANIMAL
12.PICK A TOPPING
A. CHOCLATE SYRUP
C. WHIP CREAM
NOW THINK OF THE PERSON YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON OR A PERSON WHOSE ASS YOU JUST WANNA SMACK=========
A. LIGHT COLOR------ (4) POINTS
B. CHANGE COLORS- (5) POINTS
C. DARK---------------- (4) POINTS
A. SEDUCE THEM--------------- (5) POINTS
B. JUST CHILL------------------- (2) POINTS
C. CHILL AND THEN SEDUCE- (4) POINTS
A. RAIN--------------- (3) POINTS
B. THUNDERSTORM- (5) POINTS
C. SUNNY------------- (4) POINTS
D. CLOUDY----------- (2) POINTS
A. STRAWBERRYS- (5) POINTS
My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her,
"He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took
Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and
she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the
men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a
CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl
of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."