This little animal really exists!
It's called a Naked Mole-Rat, from Africa .
So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself,
Going through life is hard enough,
but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Why didn't you save the school children at ?
Amish Country, PA
Columbine High School
Moses Lake , Washington 2/2/96
Bethel , Alaska 2/19/97
Pearl , Mississippi 10/1/97
West Paducah , Kentucky 12/1/97
Stam P, Arkansas 12/15/97
Jonesboro , Arkansas 3/24/98
Edinboro , Pennsylvania 4/24/98
Fayetteville , Tennessee 5/19/98
Springfield , Oregon 5/21/98
Richmond , Virginia 6/15/98
Littleton , Colorado 4/20/99
Taber , Alberta , Canada 5/28/99
Conyers , Georgia 5/20/99
Deming , New Mexico 11/19/99
Fort Gibson , Oklahoma 12/6/99
Santee , California 3/ 5/01 and
El Cajon , California 3/22/01?
Dear Concerned Student:
I am not allowed in schools anymore.
How did this get started?...
I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare complained She didn't want any prayer in our schools.
And we said, OK...
Someone said you better not read the Bible in school,
The Bible that says
"Thou shalt! Not kill,
Thou shalt not steal,
And love your neighbors as yourself,"
And we said, OK...
Dr. Benjamin Spock said
We shouldn't spank our children
when they misbehaved
because their little personalities
would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem.
And we said,
An expert should know what he's talking about.
So we won't spank them anymore...
Then someone said
Teachers and principals better not
Discipline our children when they misbehave.
And the school administrators said
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from U...
I didn't make it they called it a near pass.
Monday I send off the application for re-test
Yep I cried and felt sick but,
Watch out here I come again and this time I will Pass
I just want to tell you all how much your support has meant to me and your prayers. Your belief in me is what is giving me the out look I have right now I know I can and will.
Just a minor set back
THE LAWS OF LIFE
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every...
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I
am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed
my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I
was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Our prayers here always seem too work.
One of my co-workers and also a good friend just lost her baby at 5 months into the pregancy.
Please say a prayer for her for her lost asnd recovery as it is going to be hard on her.
I am going to go see her tomorrow at the hospital.
It has effected us both as we were so happy for her being her 1st one also.
This came to me via email from a friend. Maneater asked about menapause
An Interesting study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are planned at this time.
What's so poignant about this picture?
Well, it shows a line of little girls holding hands facing the immensity of ocean waves
Alone they might be washed away, but together they stand strong.
Thank you each for holding my hand somewhere along the way
when I was facing a wave of my own.
I hope you will reach for my hand when your own wave threatens.
All of us girls..
Old and young...
Near and far...
Hold special memories of good times we've shared.
We've had our share of hard times when our friends were there to make us feel better.
and our dreams.
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4.. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8.. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13.. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here
I am sure somewhere we posted this but we deserve the praise
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40: 60 Minute Correspondent Andy RooneyCBS) As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is f ar sexier th an her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Now days 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! Andy