Blog description:Crazy with a dirty mouth,in need of medication,howling,stomping,spewing,clawing,biting,hanging out in dark murky places inside the box with no life on my PC 24/7 with my pretend friends from millions of miles away terrorizing the blogs and writing crap and my stupid life stories. NightNurse (o:
My blog address: http://BikerKiss.com/blog/NightNurse
You never think it will happen to you. I live in a quaint private lake community. I never thought I'd see the day I'd go out to my car to find it had been broken into, center console broken into, my wallet and loose money stolen, and the change in the change compartment stolen. My identity is floating around out there with some asshole thief. Thank goodness I didn't have my credit card in the wallet. I had used it yesterday when I took my Grandsons to the movies, and had it in my purse. Police say it's a bunch of young adults that are going thru neighborhoods. They had many reports this morning of thefts in my neighborhood and adjacent towns. It sucks. I feel violated. They give you a victims hotline # now to keep track if the thiefs have been apprehended, and in case you need to talk to someone about being a victim. But, it doesn't bring back my wallet or money does it.
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar ... He never did any of that stuff.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was use to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ......
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's,40's, 50's,60's and 70's!!!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our b ikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts, or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes. No video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers! no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them... CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and pass this by.
I was just diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decided to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I looked over at my car and decided my car needs washing. As I started toward the garage, I noticed that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find a can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. Then I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spilled on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill, then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: ----the car isn't washed, ----the bills aren't paid, ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, ----the flowers don't have enough water, ----there is still only 1 check in my checkbook, ----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses, ----and I don't remember what in the world I did with the car keys! Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh-- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!! Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Laughing at yourself is therapeutic. PS - I just walked outside and SOMEONE LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?' 'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly. 'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks
What,you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover that kids do say the darndest things!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
The Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she said. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! 'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'
West Australian company gives paraplegics the chance to ride a motorcycle again
It's a sad fact that if you ride motorcycles for any length of time, you're more than likely to run into somebody who used to ride bikes but can't any more due to catastrophic injury - often these are injuries sustained in bike crashes. I've known several ex-bikers who have sustained life-changing injuries through the sport, and a few common threads emerge: most have no regrets, most are getting on with life with strength and dignity, and most would desperately love to ride again one day. And not a trike, a proper, leaning-in-the-corners, motorcycle.
Whether or not they should ride again is one question - a question upon which these folks families would probably have a fairly firm opinion - but thanks to West Australian company Dreamfit and its founder Darren Lomman, paraplegic riders can now have a motorcycle retrofitted to allow them to re-live the freedom of the open road on two wheels.
The dreamfit retrofit addresses several different areas in which wheelchair-bound riders are compromised:
1) Gear shifting - normally the domain of the left foot, the gearshift system is fitted with a pneumatic ram operated by a compressed air system that lives under the pillion seat where possible. Thumb levers operate the ram to select gears in the same way as an able rider would with his or her foot. There's also the option of fitting an RPM-dependent autoshift feature.
2) Braking - the front and rear brakes are both operated by the right handbrake lever in a similar system to Honda's Combined Braking System. A knob allows the rider to select the proportion of braking force that is sent to each wheel. There's also a parking brake to keep the bike steady when stopped on a hill.
3) Ergonomic support - without the ability to hold themselves on the bike with their lower body or stomach muscles, additional support is needed from the bike. Dreamfit achieves this by using a series of moulded plates to hold the lower body in place. Cup-style footrests similar to those on some bicycles hold the feet in place. Moulded ergonomic knee supports stop the rider from moving too far forward, and a specially designed seat with lumbar support stops the rider from moving too far backward, putting the upper body on a comfortable angle from which to reach the bars. All these supports are individually moulded for each rider. For paraplegics with lower back injuries that still allow some stomach control, it's possible to use a less intrusive velcro system to keep the legs anchored to the tank.
4) Low speed stability - as these riders are unable to support the bike's weight with theirlegs when stopped, Dreamfit designed a simple landing gear-style mechanism. Effectively, below a certain speed at which balance becomes challenging, a pair of stabilising wheels on steel struts descends to take the bike's weight. Once the bike is moving again, the stabilisers lift up and out of the way.
Depending on the nature of the disability and the strength of the rider, getting on and off the motorcycle could be achieved in some cases entirely manually. In other cases, a slide transfer may be required, and in more extreme cases a hoist transfer would be needed from chair to saddle.
Dreamfit's prototype bike is a CBR250RR, which Lomman put together as a university project after a chance meeting with an ex-motorcross racer in a hospital carpark. I asked the guy how much he missed being around bikes, says Lomman, and he looked me in the eye and said if he could have one wish, it would be to ride again. It brought home to me how lucky we all are - you hear about people coming off their bikes at 200kmh and getting up with minor scratches, and somebody else will come off at hardly any speed at all and end up in a wheelchair.
Lommar says Dreamfit are in the process of moving from effectively a small shed into a 2500 square metre facility: So far, we've only been able to work on prototypes - the bike, a seated surfboard, a ski boat, a hovercraft - and development costs have been huge. But hopefully with this new facility we can look at taking these machines to production. We've had around 150 enquiries about the bike from all around the world. The interest's there, the facilities and personnel are there and with the right investment we'll be in a position to help more people. You can?t imagine the feeling you get when you tell someone their impossible dram isn't so impossible after all.
If there's one person Lomman would love to get in touch with about the Dreamfit bike, it would be 3-time world 500cc champion Wayne Rainey, whose crash at Misano in 1993 left him paralysed from the chest down. Many nights I've dreamed of getting Wayne on board as an endorser, or even just letting him take the CBR for a ride - but I've looked in the Perth White Pages and Wayne Rainey's not in there. So if any of your readers have any idea of how to contact him, tell them to let me know!
For further information on this inspirational project, as well as contact details for Lomman and the Dreamfit team, check out the Dreamfit website.
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow The instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions And reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has Been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper It says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the Pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him In and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly Into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!
1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is Das Beste oder Nichts meaning ?the best or nothing.
6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
8. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
11. Dalmatians are born without spots.
12. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
13. The v in the name of a court case does not stand for ?versus?, but for "and" (in civil proceedings) or "against" (in criminal proceedings).
14. Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.
15. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.
16. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee.
17. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.
18. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
19. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.
20. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
21. The verb cleave is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
22. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.
23. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
24. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.
25. The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.
26. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.
27. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.
28. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.
29. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.
30. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
31. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
32. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
33. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
34. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
35. Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.
36. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.
37. Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.
38. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it is smiling).
39. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself"
40. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
41. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
42. The average person laughs 13 times a day.
43. Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)
44. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
45. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
46. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.
47. Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.
48. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
49. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.
50. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!