Crazy with a dirty mouth,in need of medication,howling,stomping,spewing,clawing,biting,hanging out in dark murky places inside the box with no life on my PC 24/7 with my pretend friends from millions of miles away terrorizing the blogs and writing crap and my stupid life stories. NightNurse (o:
You never think it will happen to you. I live in a quaint private lake community. I never thought I'd see the day I'd go out to my car to find it had been broken into, center console broken into, my wallet and loose money stolen, and the change in the change compartment stolen. My identity is floating around out there with some asshole thief. Thank goodness I didn't have my credit card in the wallet. I had used it yesterday when I took my Grandsons to the movies, and had it in my purse. Police say it's a bunch of young adults that are going thru neighborhoods. They had many reports this morning of thefts in my neighborhood and adjacent towns. It sucks. I feel violated. They give you a victims hotline # now to keep track if the thiefs have been apprehended, and in case you need to talk to someone about being a victim. But, it doesn't bring back my wallet or money does it.
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar ... He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!'
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was use to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ......
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
'For the love of God! '
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling
at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii ,
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
A Cajun fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station,
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says:
'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted!
'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out:
What de hell is Bell Four'? he asked.
She replied: "Roll out more hose; you ain't nowhere near de fire."
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our b ikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts, or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes. No video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers! no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them... CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and pass this by.
For the rest of us.. .pass this ON!
I was just diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decided to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I looked over at my car and decided my car needs washing. As I started toward the garage, I noticed that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find a can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. Then I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spilled on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill, then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: ----the car isn't washed, ----the bills aren't paid, ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, ----the flowers don't have enough water, ----there is still only 1 check in my checkbook, ----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses, ----and I don't remember what in the world I did with the car keys! Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh-- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!! Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Laughing at yourself is therapeutic. PS - I just walked outside and SOMEONE LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the
road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their
nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks
'Helllooooooo!! !!' says the blonde.
'Those are my emergency flashers!'
What,you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover that kids do say the darndest things!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are
the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I
had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she said.
The teacher, knowing how precious
some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident
and why she thought the cat stuttered.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back
yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running
start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the
little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
both married to other
people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...
the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and
gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great
idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fcking
After a moment of silence he farted.
West Australian company gives paraplegics the chance to ride a motorcycle again
It's a sad fact that if you ride motorcycles for any length of time, you're more than likely to run into somebody who used to ride bikes but can't any more due to catastrophic injury - often these are injuries sustained in bike crashes. I've known several ex-bikers who have sustained life-changing injuries through the sport, and a
few common threads emerge: most have no regrets,
most are getting on with life with strength and dignity,
and most would desperately love to ride again one day.
And not a trike, a proper, leaning-in-the-corners,
Whether or not they should ride again is one question - a question upon which these folks families would probably have a fairly firm opinion - but thanks to West Australian company Dreamfit and its founder Darren Lomman, paraplegic riders can now have a motorcycle retrofitted to allow them to re-live the freedom of the open road on two wheels.
The dreamfit retrofit addresses several different areas in which wheelchair-bound riders are compromised:
1) Gear shifting - normally the domain of the left foot, the gearshift system is fitted with a pneumatic ram operated by a compressed air system that lives under the pillion seat where possible. Thumb levers operate the ram to select gears in the same way as an able rider would with his or her foot. There's also the option of fitting an RPM-dependent autoshift feature.
2) Braking - the front and rear brakes are both operated by the right handbrake lever in a similar system to Honda's Combined Braking System. A knob allows the rider to select the proportion of braking force that is sent to each wheel. There's also a parking brake to keep the bike steady when stopped on a hill.
3) Ergonomic support - without the ability to hold themselves on the bike with their lower body or stomach muscles, additional support is needed from the bike. Dreamfit achieves this by using a series of moulded plates to hold the lower body in place. Cup-style footrests similar to those on some bicycles hold the feet in place. Moulded ergonomic knee supports stop the rider from moving too far forward, and a specially designed seat with lumbar support stops the rider from moving too far backward, putting the upper body on a comfortable angle from which to reach the bars. All these supports are individually moulded for each rider. For paraplegics with lower back injuries that still allow some stomach control, it's possible to use a less intrusive velcro system to keep the legs anchored to the tank.
4) Low speed stability - as these riders are unable to support the bike's weight with theirlegs when stopped, Dreamfit designed a simple landing gear-style mechanism. Effectively, below a certain speed at which balance becomes challenging, a pair of stabilising wheels on steel struts descends to take the bike's weight. Once the bike is moving again, the stabilisers lift up and out of the way.
Depending on the nature of the disability and the strength of the rider, getting on and off the motorcycle could be achieved in some cases entirely manually. In other cases, a slide transfer may be required, and in more extreme cases a hoist transfer would be needed from chair to saddle.
Dreamfit's prototype bike is a CBR250RR, which Lomman put together as a university project after a chance meeting with an ex-motorcross racer in a hospital carpark. I asked the guy how much he missed being around bikes, says Lomman, and he looked me in the eye and said if he could have one wish, it would be to ride again. It brought home to me how lucky we all are - you hear about people coming off their bikes at 200kmh and getting up with minor scratches, and somebody else will come off at hardly any speed at all and end up in a wheelchair.
Lommar says Dreamfit are in the process of moving from effectively a small shed into a 2500 square metre facility: So far, we've only been able to work on prototypes - the bike, a seated surfboard, a ski boat, a hovercraft - and development costs have been huge. But hopefully with this new facility we can look at taking these machines to production. We've had around 150 enquiries about the bike from all around the world. The interest's there, the facilities and personnel are there and with the right investment we'll be in a position to help more people. You can?t imagine the feeling you get when you tell someone their impossible dram isn't so impossible after all.
If there's one person Lomman would love to get in touch with about the Dreamfit bike, it would be 3-time world 500cc champion Wayne Rainey, whose crash at Misano in 1993 left him paralysed from the chest down. Many nights I've dreamed of getting Wayne on board as an endorser, or even just letting him take the CBR for a ride - but I've looked in the Perth White Pages and Wayne Rainey's not in there. So if any of your readers have any idea of how to contact him, tell them to let me know!
For further information on this inspirational project, as well as contact details for Lomman and the Dreamfit team, check out the Dreamfit website.
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow The instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions And reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has Been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper It says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the Pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him In and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly Into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said.
'They're retired prostitutes; they're having a yard sale.'
The Italian says, 'When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.'
The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstacy.
The redneck says, 'That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the
ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener
on the curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling.
I'm at the deli counter at Shoprite squeezing the sub sandwiches testing for freshness when... I look down and see some baddd ass biker boots standing next to me. I looked up... and...gulp! gasp for air,heart be still,blood pressure off the charts, Oh no! This old babe starts thinkin' I'm gonna code right here in Shoprite! It's not too often someone gets dis chick's blood pressure up(in a good way)I did manage to regain some composure.not much,just some. He... Mr Triumph.. dressed in all his gear... all black leather and the chaps with studs... and lookin' sooo fine in jeans. Tall..at least 6'4"... a blonde Captain Jack Sparrow without the facial hair and BIG brown eyes. ouch! OMG! I musta looked like a sight as I wiped the drool from the side of my mouth(hehe!)clamped my weak knees together,and held on fast to my sub(like it would keep me from falling to the floor!) and... I just... froze. No words would leave my mouth. Me! Speechless. Imagine that. Mr. Triumph spoke. Asked the deli person: "Do you have a salad bar?" His voice! At that, I dropped my little red basket to the floor. He saw my dilemma,and picked up my basket and handed it back to me and smiled. Then he walked away to the salad bar. I still couldn't move. I managed to un-stick my feet from the floor and went to check out my items. (I wanted to go to the salad bar, but,I already had all the excitement and embarrassment I could take for the evening) I ventured outside and... ddddammm! if his Triumph wasn't parked next to my Durango. So, what am I to do? I sit inside the Durango and do stupid stuff like clean out the glove box and wait for him to come out. yeah. Sounds silly,huh? Guess he musta shocked me heart and brain enough to revert me to schoolgirlism. hehe! Then... there he was again. He lit a smoke,leaned on the scoot,and just stared inside the Durango at me. Ha! What did I do? Finished cleaning out my glove box of course,pretending not to notice him. He butted out the smoke, loaded his little yellow bag of salad in the saddle bag,put on his helmet,did the vrooommm vroommmm,and,blew a kiss at me. I fainted. (No not really) I think I smiled. Then he took off. I was once again... frozen. Shit! All the I shoulda done this and I shoulda done thats raced thru my mind as he rode away. I think I need to work less and get out more. LOL! He headed up the road. I went home. Maybe I'll check out Shoprite around 6pm every now and then. Ya never know. Maybe I'll see him again.