Blogs for chop821.

PANTS

05-APR-07

Mike learned a hard lesson on this day........................... Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big I can't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took of his pants and said to Karen, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." That explains it. It's my attitude.

You'll never hear a woman say

01-APR-07

>Got this from LTBB the other day 30 things you'll never hear a woman say. > >1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for >ignoring me. >2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I >invited her over for dinner on Friday. >3. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and >missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. >4. Bar food again! Kick ass. >5. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. >6. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over >and talk to her. >7. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have >to mess with it anymore. >8. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em? >9. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. >10. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare >ass. >11. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for >you and your friends. >12. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it >again. >13. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. >14. You are so much smarter than my father. >15. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football. >16. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? >17. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. >18. You're so sexy when you're hung over. >19. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. >20. Let's subscribe to Hustler. >21. I'll be out painting the house. >22. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to >ride. >23. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! >24. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. >25. Your mother is way better than mine. >26. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself >something. >27. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire. >28. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night >feedings. >29. Look! My ass is fatter than yours! >30. Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.

TRAFFIC QUESTION

18-MAR-07

You are on a two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted. There is a slow moving bicycle on the right. QUESTION: do you break the law and pass it. Or do you follow it for the next two miles ?. Why risk a ticket :)

New Biker ( ? ) Gear

12-MAR-07

My Dad sent my sister an e mail. He wants to rent a booth in her up coming bike show, to sell his new invention. A motorcycle jacket with a built in DVD player on the back so the passenger can watch movies on those long trips. Perfect for the guy who has no more room for chrome on his bike. Ladies, think of all the envy it cause in the other girls. No longer will they be happy with the sissy bar and barko lounger they made their guy's put on their bikes. We will make sure it is priced 5 times what it is worth, so it will also be a status symbol. Ladies, if he asks why you can't look at the scenery. Tell him you can't see around his broad shoulders. The wide screen version will also come with a genuine leather and Velcro flap cover embroidered with " Yea I walk through the Valley in the shadow of death and I fear no evil cause I am the evilest MF in the valley" This will show all the Bro's that he really is a bad azz Biker and not some Pu$$y whipped yuppy wanna be.

Selling

05-MAR-07

If you want to sell a kick stand for $240.00 this is how you do it.

THE GUYS RULES

24-FEB-07

The Guys' Rules??????????????????? At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note . . . these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are . . . Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or HOCKEY. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

LIVER and CHEESE

18-FEB-07

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in! return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "Ho w ab out you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says . Liver alone Cheese mine

Pipes

18-FEB-07

Any body tried Big Growl pipes. Are they any good ? Looking for some up sweeps and they are cheep. Question is do you get what you pay for.

Destroying America (long one)

14-FEB-07

> > Wherever you stand, please take the time to read this; it ought to > scare the pants off you! > > > We know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context > his thoughts are particularly poignant. Last week there was an > immigration overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to > capacity by many of America's finest minds and leaders. A brilliant > college professor by the name of Victor Hansen Davis talked about his > latest book, "Mexifornia," explaining how immigration - both legal and > illegal was destroying the entire state of California. He said it > would march across the country until it destroyed all vestiges of The > American Dream. > > Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood up and > gave a stunning speech on how to destroy America. The audience sat > spellbound as he described eight methods for the destruction of the > United States. He said, "If you believe that America is too smug, > too self-satisfied, too rich, then let's destroy America. It is not > that hard to do. No nation in history has survived the ravages of > time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great civilizations rise and > fall and that 'An autopsy of history would show that all great nations > commit suicide.'" > > "Here is how they do it," Lamm said: "First, to destroy America, turn > America into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country." > History shows that no nation can survive the tension, conflict, and > antagonism of two or more competing languages and cultures. It is a > blessing for an individual to be bilingual; however, it is a curse for > a society to be bilingual. The historical scholar, Seymour Lipset, > put it this way: "The histories of bilingual and bi-cultural societies > that do not assimilate are histories of turmoil, tension, and > tragedy." Canada, Belgium, Malaysia, and Lebanon all face crises > of national existence in which minorities press for autonomy, if not > independence. Pakistan and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed > an ethnic Rebellion. France faces difficulties with Basques, Bretons, > and Corsicans. ". > > Lamm went on: Second, to destroy America, "Invent 'multiculturalism' > and encourage immigrants to maintain their culture. Make it an article > of belief that all cultures are equal. That there are no cultural > differences. Make it an article of faith that the Black and Hispanic > dropout rates are due solely to prejudice and discrimination by the > majority. Every other explanation is out of bounds. > > Third, "We could make the United States an 'Hispanic Quebec' without > much effort. The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As > Benjamin Schwarz said in the Atlantic Monthly recently: "The apparent > success of our own multiethnic and multicultural experiment might have > been achieved not by tolerance but by hegemony. Without the dominance > that once dictated ethnocentricity and what it meant to be an > American, we are left with only tolerance and pluralism to hold us > together." > > Lamm said, "I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own > language and culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with > the salad bowl metaphor. It is important to ensure that we have > various cultural subgroups living in America enforcing their > differences rather than as Americans, emphasizing t heir similarities." > > "Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group the least > educated. I would add a second underclass, unassimilated, > undereducated, and antagonistic to our population. I would have this > second underclass have a 50% dropout rate from high school." > > "My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big > foundations and business to give these efforts lots of money. I would > invest in ethnic identity, and I would establish the cult of > 'Victimology.' I would get all minorities to think that their lack of > success was the fault of the majority. I would start a grievance > industry blaming all minority failure on the majority population." > > "My sixth plan for America's downfall would include dual citizenship, > and promote divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over unity. > I would stress differences rather than si milarities. Diverse people > worldwide a re mostly engaged in hating each other - that is, when > they are not killing each other. A diverse, peaceful, or stable > society is against most historical precedent. People undervalue the > unity it takes to keep a nation together. Look at the ancient Greeks. > The Greeks believed that they belonged to the same race; they > possessed a common Language and literature; and they worshipped the > same gods. All Greece took part in the Olympic games. A common enemy, > Persia, threatened their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not strong > enough to overcome two factors: local patriotism and geographical > conditions that nurtured political divisions. Greece fell. "E. > Pluribus Unum" --From many, one. In that historical reality, if we > put the emphasis on the 'pluribus' instead of the 'Unum,' we will > balkanize America as surely as Kosovo." > > "Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits; make it taboo to > talk about anything against the cult of 'diversity.' I would find a > word similar to 'heretic' in the 16th century - that stopped > discussion and paralyzed thinking. Words like 'racist' or 'xenophobe' > halt discussion and debate. Having made America a > bilingual/bicultural country, having established multi-culturism, > having the large foundations fund the doctrine of 'Victimology,' I > would next make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would > develop a mantra: That because immigration has been good for America, > it must always be good. I would make every individual immigrant > symmetric and ignore the cumulative impact of millions of them." > > In the last minute of his speech, Governor Lamm wiped his brow > Profound silence followed. Finally he said,. "Lastly, I would censor > Victor H anson Davis's book "Mexifornia." His book is dangerous. It > exposes the plan to destroy America If you feel America. deserves > to be destroyed, don't read that book." > > There was no applause. A chilling fear quietly rose like an ominous > cloud above every attendee at the conference. Every American in that > room knew that everything Lamm enumerated was proceeding methodically, > quietly, darkly, yet pervasively across the United States today. > Discussion is being suppressed. Over 100 languages are ripping the > foundation of our educational system and national cohesiveness. Even > barbaric cultures that practice female genital mutilation are growing > as we celebrate 'diversity.' American jobs are vanishing into the > Third World as corporations create a Third World in America - take > note of California and other states - to date, ten million illegal > aliens and growing fast. I t is reminiscent of George Orwell's book > "1984." In that story, three slogans are engraved in the Ministry of > Truth building: "War is peace," "Freedom is slavery," and "Ignorance > is strength." > > Governor Lamm walked back to his seat. It dawned on everyone at the > conference that our nation and the future of this great democracy is > deeply in trouble and worsening fast. If we don't get this immigration > monster stopped within three years, it will rage like a California > wildfire and destroy everything in its path especially The American > Dream. > > If you care for and love our country as I do, take the time to pass > this on just as I did for you. NOTHING is going to happen if you

Muslim American

14-FEB-07

Got this in an e mail awhile back. First let me say that I try hard NOT to be a raciest. This is not about race. Second, I am a wanna be Christian. Meaning I fall short at being really good at it. I also have a hard time accepting that Jeasus is the only way to Gods grace. Its just my way. I have friends that follow other Spiritual paths, that I believe are truely good people. And lastly,I admid I do not actually know any Muslims,other than the ones I met in jail in my wilder youth.Perhaps that might not be a good example. ha ha. I dont Know Who's observation this is but it's certainly food for thought Can a good Muslim be a good American? I forwarded that question to a friend that worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. The following is his forwarded reply. "Have you ever thought -- Is Muslim American really an oxymoron? Can a devout Muslim be an American patriot and a loyal citizen? Consider this: "Theologically, no. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia. "Religiously, no. Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah excep t Islam (Quran, 2:256) "Scripturally, no. Because his allegiance is to the five pillars of Islam and the Quran (Koran). "Geographically, no. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day. "Socially, no. Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews. "Politically, no. Because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America, the great Satan. "Domestically, no, because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran4:34). "Intellectually, no, because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt. "Philosophically, no, because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or Autocratic. "Spiritually, no, because when we declare "one nation under God," the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in the Quran's 99 excellent names. "Therefore after much study and deliberation.... Perhaps we should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country. They obviously cannot be both 'good' Muslims and good Americans. Call it what you wish ... it's still the truth." If you find yourself intellectually in agreement with the above statements, perhaps you will share this with your friends. The more who understand this, the better it will be for our country and our future. Pass it on Fellow Americans.... The religious war is bigger than we know or understand. I do not wish to be forcibly converted to Islam, and return to the 17th century. Does that make a war of extermination inevitable? I'm very much afraid there is no other outcome that will leave our Western Civilization intact, and our descendants alive! It seems it actually IS them or us. I hope someone can come up with another solution, but it sure looks like the worst is yet to come.

HOMELESS

13-FEB-07

Homeless I was walking down the busy sidewalk, fully aware I was late for work, when my eye fell upon one of those homeless vagabonds found in every modern inner city. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this tramp's demeanor. Some people turned to stare. Others looked away as if the sight would contaminate them. Recalling some long-ago Sunday School lesson to "care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked," I was moved by an inner urge to reach out to this less fortunate one. Where some people saw only rags, I saw the hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head echoed, said "Reach out, reach out!" So I did..... I get out in 6 weeks >

SAD,SAD,SAD news

13-FEB-07

Sad news... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

What a season

10-FEB-07

Don't know what it is about this time of year. But it seems like every body I know is going through some kind of turmoil. Just got off the phone with my adopted niece. She just broke up with her boyfriend and is heartbroken. The other girl that lives with me just broke up as well. TWO other couples I know, just decided to get divorced. All these people breaking up. And the flip side is all the single people I know are feeling extra sorry for themselves for not having any one. I don't know, just seems like things are out of balance.

1975-2005

05-FEB-07

This was sent to me by a 25 year olf friend. "Fkr" This is being sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it... 1975: Long hair 2005: Longing for hair 1975: KEG 2005: EKG 1975: Acid rock 2005: Acid reflux 1975: Moving to California because it's cool 2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1975: Seeds and stems 2005: Roughage 1975: Hoping for a BMW 2005: Hoping for a BM 1975: Going to a new, hip joint 2005: Receiving a new hip joint 1975: Rolling Stones 2005: Kidney Stones 1975: Being called into the principal's office 2005: Calling the principal's office 1975: Disco 2005: Costco 1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1975: Passing the drivers' test 2005: Passing the vision test 1975: Whatever 2005: Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

Anger management

05-FEB-07

Anger Management HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? WIFE : I clean the toilet... HUSBAND: How does that help ? WIFE : I use YOUR toothbrush...

BAD DAY AT HALLMARK

02-FEB-07

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire . I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it . She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder ... "What the hell was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind. -------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ... That you're not here to ruin it for me. #################################################### Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ******************************************************************************** Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee & West Virginia ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// We have been friends for a very long time ... let's say we stop? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ===================================================== Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

Ladies.....We have a request as well

02-FEB-07

Lets see some pics of you ladies in chaps and vests (without shirt) or with some seriously stressed buttons. Play fair.

This ought to Pizz off a few. he he

02-FEB-07

On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman Two American men and one American woman One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a manage a trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Mans Chain letter

26-JAN-07

BE SURE AND READ THE WHOLE THING. Subject: Male Chain Letter This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping. This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super< /SPAN> model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below. ---------------------- Bill Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York , NY 10017 Billy Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017 Billie Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017 B. Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017 William Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017 W. Jefferson ! Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York, NY 10017 W. Jeff Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York, NY 10017 W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017 W. Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York, NY 10017 William J Clinton 780 3r d Ave. New York , NY 10017 Willem Clinton ! 780 3rd Ave. < /SPAN>New York , NY 10017 Wilhelm Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017 Billy Clinton 780 3rd Ave. ! New York , NY 10017 Willie Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017 Will Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York, NY 10017 Mr. Hillary Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

Donkey in the well

26-JAN-07

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. > > Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the > well needed to be covered up anyway; > it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. > > He invited all his neighbors to come over and > help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began > to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the > donkey realized what was happening and cried > horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he > quieted down. > > A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally > looked down the well. He was astonished at what > he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his > back, the donkey was doing something amazing. > He would shake it off and take a step up. > > As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel > dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it > off and take a step up. > > Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey > stepped up over the edge of the well and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. > > The gash from the bite got infected and > the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. > MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: > > When you do something wrong, and try to cover > your azz, it always comes back to bite you. >

Other Bike weeks ?

18-JAN-07

Irish Do they have a rally in Japan like bike week ? Back in 93 I sold an old FLH and most of the people looking at it where German or Japanese. They where the only ones with that kind of cash. HUMmmmm Is there a message there ? I have been to rallies in Germany and England. That where great. More of a camping thing. Like Woodstock on wheels. Anyway, just wondering how they do it elsewhere.

DEAR SENATOR

15-JAN-07

Got this in an e mail Dear Senator Sarbanes, > > > As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue > Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the > Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process > for > becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. > > > My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to > illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the > Senate > and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions > is > accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for > five > years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and > income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when > I > see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone > figures > it out. > > > Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay > taxes > every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of > taxes > in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply > to be > illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and > my > family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. > > > Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local > emergency > room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying > premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save > almost > $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that > my > daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law > school > applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges > throughout the United States for my son. > > > Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden > of > renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance > premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college > age > children driving my car. > > > If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become > illegal > (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would > be > most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. > > > Your Loyal Constituent, > > > Pete McGlaughlin > > > Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service > Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!!

PAINT

13-JAN-07

Getting ready to shoot Tankgirl. Maybe I should rephrase that. In the process of painting Tgirl. She was gloss black. I was getting ready to do the same gloss black thing, But I got to lookin at her in primmer and I really like it. So, flat black or Gloss ?

BK family ADAMS or MUNSTER ?

12-JAN-07

Who in this family could be Gomez or Mortisha ? Pugsley, Windy, Cousin It.? How about Hermen and Lilith. I'll be Eddie.haha I have a Lurch in mind. Who do you think could be who.

CAN YOU READ THIS

11-JAN-07

>If you can read this, your brain is 50% faster than those who can't > > >fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too. Cna yuo raed tihs? >Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty >uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, >aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in >waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the >frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses >and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn >mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. >Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can >raed tihs forwrad it. >ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS

SUMMARY of my year on the computer

11-JAN-07

SUMMARY OF MY YEAR ON THE COMPUTER I must send thanks to all my friends who have shaped my life over the past year with their emails. Thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. * Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. N I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. L I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail :8program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. V I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day R Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers V only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. S I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans . I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army .. I no longer answer the phone ( because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike . I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their secret recipe. & Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 square miles will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day.... J A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's to late...

Controls

10-JAN-07

Looking at some new handlebars with everything inside. master cylinder wiring etc. Has anybody tried them ? Or at least a hydraulic clutch ? I mean, how dose it feel. Harder, easier. smooth?

Letter from a farm kid

10-JAN-07

> LETTER FROM A FARM KID, >>>> (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.) >>>> >>>> Dear Ma and Pa, >>>> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother >>>>Elmer the >>>>Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them >>>>to join >>>up >>>>quick before all of the places are filled. >>>> I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed >>>>till nearly >>>6 >>>>a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and >>>>Elmer all you >>>>do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No >>>>hogs to >>>>slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. >>>>Practically >>>>nothing. >>>> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm >>>>water. >>>Breakfast >>>>is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, >>>>etc., but >>>kind >>>>of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and >>>>other >>>>regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the >>>>two city >>>>boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til >>>>noon when >>>you >>>>get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. >>>> We go on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant says >>>>are long >>>>walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell >>>>him >>>>different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at >>>>home. Then >>>>the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. >>>> The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like >>>>a school >>>>teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. >>>>Majors and >>>>Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. >>>> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep >>>>getting >>>>medals for shooting, I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as >>>>big as a >>>>chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like >>>>the >>>Higgett >>>>boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and >>>>hit it. >>>You >>>>don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. >>>> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. >>>>You get >>>to >>>>wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, >>>>they break >>>>real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm >>>>about >>>the >>>>best they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over >>>>in Silver >>>>Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, >>>>but I'm >>>only >>>>5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. >>>> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before >>>>other >>>fellers >>>>get onto this setup and come stampeding in. >>>> >>>> Your loving daughter, >>>> Lisa

Predictable behavior

06-JAN-07

I have noticed that some things are the same the world over. Like if 6 people are waiting for am elevator., and a 7Th shows up. He will still press the button in case the other 6 forgot. One of my favorites is the last piece of cake. I work on boats. Worked all over the world. And the general rule is that if you eat the last piece of cake, you wash the plate. You guessed it. That last piece will stay there for a month. Getting smaller and smaller.

Australian Court

30-DEC-06

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The ma n replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just Lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO BOTH PARTIES

24-DEC-06

> For My Democratic Friends: > "Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religio! us faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher." > > > > For My Republican Friends: > Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Connecticut Christmas

24-DEC-06

Looks like I am in New London CT. for Christmas. Think Santa can still find me? Just realized I have a whole barge full of coal here. Is that an omen?

JUST CHECKING IN

24-DEC-06

> > >> A minister passing through his church > > >>In the middle of the day, Decided to pause by the altar and see who had come to pray. > > >> > > >>Just then the back door opened, > > >>A man came down the aisle, > > >> > > >>The minister frowned as he saw > > >>The man hadn't shaved in a while. > > >> > > >>His shirt was kind'a shabby > > >>And his coat was worn and frayed, > > >> > > >>The man knelt, he bowed is head, > > >>Then rose and walked away. > > >> > > >>In the days that followed, > > >>Each noon time came this chap, > > >> > > >>Each time he knelt just for a moment, > > >>A lunch pail in his lap. > > >> > > >>Well, the minister's suspicions grew, > > >>With robbery a main fear, > > >> > > >>He decided to stop the man and ask him, > > >>"What are you doing here?" > > >> > > >>The old man said, > >he worked down the road. Lunch was half an hour. > > >> > > >>Lunchtime was his prayer time, > > >>For finding strength and power. > > >> > > >>"I stay only moments, see, > > >>Because the factory is so far away; > > >> > > >>As I kneel here talking to the Lord, > > >>This is kind'a what I say: > > >> > > >>"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, > > >>SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. > > >> > > >>DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, > > >> > > >>BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. > > >> > > >>SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM > > >> > > >>CHECKING IN TODAY." > > >> > > >>The minister feeling foolish, > > >>Told Jim, that was fine. > > >> > > >>He told the man he was welcome > > >>To come and pray just > >anytime. > > >> > > >>Time to go, Jim smiled, said "Thanks." > > >>He hurried to the door. > > >> > > >>The minister knelt at the altar, > > >>He'd never done it before. > > >> > > >>His cold heart melted, warmed with love, > > >>And met with Jesus there. > > >> > > >>As the tears flowed, in his heart, > > >>He repeated old Jim's prayer: > > >> > > >>"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE > > >>FOUND > > >>EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. > > >> > > >>I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. > > >> > > >>SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY." > > >> > > >>Past noon one day, the minister noticed > > >>That old Jim hadn't come. > > >> > > >>As more days passed without Jim, > > >>He began > >to worry some. > > >> > > >>At the factory, he asked about him, > > >>Learning he was ill. > > >> > > >>The hospital staff was worried, > > >>But he'd given them a thrill. > > >> > > >>The week that Jim was with them, > > >>Brought changes in the ward. > > >> > > >>His smiles, a joy contagious. > > >>Changed people, were his reward. > > >> > > >>The head nurse couldn't understand > > >>Why Jim was so glad, when no flowers, calls or cards came, Not a > > >>visitor he > > >>had. > > >> > > >>The minister stayed by his bed, > > >>He voiced the nurse's concern: > > >> > > >>No friends came to show they cared. > > >>He had nowhere to turn. > > >> > > >>Looking surprised, old Jim spoke > > >>Up and with a winsome smile; "the nurse is wrong, she couldn't > > > > >>know, that > > >>in here all the while everyday at noon He's here, a dear friend of > > >>mine, > > >>you see, He sits right down, takes my hand, Leans over and says to > > >>me: > > >> > > >>"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM, > > >> > > >>HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN, > > >> > > >>SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP, > > >> > > >>AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN. > > >> > > >>ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY, > > >>I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY, > > >>AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS > > >> > > >>CHECKING IN TODAY." > > >> > > >>If this blesses you, pass it on > > >>Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true > > >>friends will > > >>leave > > >>Footprints in your heart. > > >> > > >>May God hold you in the palm of His hand > > >>And Angels watch over > >you. > > >> > > >>But for those of us who are already His, He not only holds us in > > >>the palm of > > >>His hand, but has engraved our names there, and we are continually > > >>in His > > >>sight (Isaiah 49:16) > > >> > > >>Please pass this page on to your friends & loved ones. If you > > >>aren't > > >>ashamed. > > >> > > >>Jesus said, " If you are ashamed of me," I will be ashamed of you > > >>before my > > >>Father." > > >> > > >>If you are not ashamed, pass this on. But only if you mean it. > > >> > > >>Yes, I do love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. > > >> > > >>He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I will be > > >>nothing. > > >>Without him, I am nothing but with Him "I can do all things > > >>through Christ > > >>that > >strengthens me." Phil 4:13 > > >> > > >>This is too good not to share - > > >> > > >>So this is me ... Just Checking In > >

Letters to Santa

14-DEC-06

deer santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass const antly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those? Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Santa, P.S. Tell your mom she got the part. Long Dong Claus, Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why y ou're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa