Monday June 30, 2008
As some of you should know, this was Million Mile Monday for HOG Members. The event was sponsored by Harley Davidson and you could log in and record your miles. This little story is about my ride that day. It started off as a beautiful day, but the closer I got to the mountains, the cloudier it got. Not little clouds either, big black ugly ones. Well, since I was that close, there was no stopping. I got on the Skyline Drive at Swift Gap and headed south thinking the clouds might dissipate later in the afternoon. The weatherman said so? Yep, I believe everything I see on TV. The ride went well and nothing but a few drops here and there all the way down the Skyline Drive and then on down the Blue Ridge Parkway. I tried to stop often and take a few pictures, but all I got was big nasty clouds.
On the Blue Ridge Parkway I stopped at a pullover and there was a car there with a woman standing looking over the hill. I looked down and there was a man poking a tree with a rather short stick. The woman told me her husband (poking the tree) was convinced it was a Current Tree. We talked while he continued to poke and prod and pull at the limbs. Shortly he climbed the steep bank back to the road and sure enough, he had a handful of little red berries. He immediately offered them to his wife, and she promptly refused to eat any until she was sure they were not poisonous. Then he offered me some. How could I resist. Sure, I said and took a couple and popped them in my mouth. Mmmm, they were very ripe and sweet. I told her they were delicious. She then decided to try a couple. As soon as she put several in her mouth, I bent over holding my stomach and retching like I was dieing. I made some terrible noises and she went pale. Immediately her husband started laughing and I couldn?t hold it any longer. I had to laugh too. Thank god she was a good sport. Her husband and I laughed for a long time. It was hilarious. The look on her face was priceless and then she new she was had.
Just another day in my life; and one more practical joke on an unsuspecting stranger.
Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him,
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from
0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
Mark got up really early for work the next morning.
When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the
window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the
box into the house.
She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him..
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter
how kinky, for $20.00...... on one condition"
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And
"Clean my house."
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola - and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
Here are the testimonials of
a few people who did...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.
He knew better.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget .
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good ?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a good laugh.
The test of our progress is not whether we add to the abundance of those who have much. It is whether we provide enough to those who have little. FD Roosevelt