For all you folks who have difficulty converting units:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone
These are some... strange definitions. Read them
slowly... some may take a second or two to sink in.
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
MISTY: How golfers create divots.
PARADOX: Two physicians.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from the couch in front of the TV.
RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
And my favorite:
SUDAFED: Litigation brought against a government official.
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near
50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are
unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we
are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what
you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least ...
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM.", signed, ?The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
Hugs and Kisses to all of the BK Blondes!
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came
upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his allet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked
around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just
ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
I am in need of some hugs today - We did a toy run down to the Navy Hospital yesterday (part of our Rolling Thunder Chapter activities). Everything was great - lot's of toys and very few kids in the hospital. But things got really bad on the way back - one of our members had something break in the frontend of his bike causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic. He was killed instantly. I have known this guy for about 1 year - one of the nicest people you could ever meet. Always willing to help others, always there with a kind word, very active in supporting our troops (retired vet) and there for all Rolling Thunder events. The only saving grace is that I was not in the group that he was riding in. Everyone in that group is toally messed up right not - not sure that I could have handled seeing him hit the car head on. It is bad enough knowing that it happened and that I will not have the pleasure of his company anymore. I keep running yesterday through my head and remembering everything that he said and did. Damn it hurts!
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull*** and brilliance only come with age and experience.