Biker Blogs > Michelle1966's blogs > Stuck in a bad marriage
Stuck in a bad marriage Sort by:
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michelle1966
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Posted on Mon, Jun 05, 2006 09:37

I would love the opinion of both men and women... I have found that both men and women stay in a marriage for their childrens sake. I would like to know if people find it admirable and have respect for putting their family first or feel that they should worry about their owne happiness and know that their children will adjust. And if you are in a bad marriage: Is it ok to find someone of the opposite sex to talk to for support knowing that feeling could become involved?


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fromthefarm
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Posted on Sat, Dec 23, 2006 03:40

Just another comment to add to my earlyer one. It took about 4 years after I got diviorced my oldest daughter came to me a said "She loves her mom and her dad but, she has respect for her dad." After I got diviorced I tried hard not to down grade or say anything bad in front of the kids. It was very hard at times but I think it has helped the kids and me in the long run. Also all my kids have thanked me for doing that. Fromthefarm


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tethered_soul
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Posted on Sat, Dec 23, 2006 01:39

My two cents worth: i come from a family of emotional and financial abuse. But the biggest injustice of all was being led to believe that my mother stayed for the sake of the children. Long after we left, she remained there, complaining bitterly about how horrible a life she had. In the end? She died of a broken heart. He died a miserable man. And I live my life trying to come to terms with intimacy issues that have affected me deeply. My mother always told me that I need to find a good man, one who loves me more than i love him, and one who is willing to spend. today, at 50, i understand that these are the least of the things I needed for myself, and that passion, trust, communication, and yes.. lust, are things that also play a part in a healthy marriage. But how would she know?? She never had it or witnessed it in her lifetime. bottom line? If safety of the children is not in question, my opinion is that the children will be better off and healthier seeing at least one happy parent!


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Heretic
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Posted on Fri, Dec 22, 2006 19:57

It took a lot of courage to post that NasT. I am glad you did


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Posted on Fri, Dec 22, 2006 05:38

It's not always that simple of a decision....when I saw how my ex's brother, my ex and his family behaved during my BIL's divorce - and what they put our young niece through, it was appalling - I swore I'd never put my daughter through that. I stayed in an abusive (I wasn't being hit, I would have left then, no matter what) marriage until my daughter was legally of age so there would be no custody battle and she couldn't be used as a weapon or a pawn. I used the time to try to teach her what was wrong, what to look for in a healthy relationship, how to have personal boundaries. Today, she's doing well, we have a great relationship and she barely speaks to her father and his family. I stayed when it was the safest for my child....I know, without a doubt, that had I left eight years earlier, my daughter would not be in the good shape she is...I see what's become of my damaged niece and it's sad.


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Flame2000
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Posted on Wed, Dec 20, 2006 21:09

Kids know what is happening ..Believe me.. Growing up in an unhappy home is not that great!!


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Wind79
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Posted on Wed, Dec 20, 2006 19:21

From experience, don't stay for the kids. They know what's happping. And, they suffer from it to. Mom and dad fight or dad goes out and leaves mom behind or vica versa. But if your getting hurt, leave now. It wont get better, the provibal Im sorry won't happen again, honey moon phase, tension and it happens agains, and again and again,. Lifes to short. Kid's grow up who do you want them to hate if anyone.


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Posted on Tue, Dec 19, 2006 17:20

I stayed the extra 10 years as I thought that is what the right thing was to do. Being immigrants, there was no family and few friends to turn to and the financial suffering was hard. I began to believe that we should suffer in marriage and put up with our partners crap, thats what the church said! In our new relationships, hers and mine, our new partners brought money and dignity. But the kids are still wacko...so...I guess we could've split way earlier, but we probably werent sick enough of each other or had the strength to pull the divorce off.


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ladyluck01
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Posted on Tue, Dec 19, 2006 08:47

Your the only one who knows exactly how bad it is, I feel that if its abusive mentally or physically then its time to part ways. The children are the ones who see all and think that kind of thing is normal when they get older, and its not good. Remember people can take a seperation and find out exactly what they want, if its each other or if its apart.


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fromthefarm
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Posted on Tue, Dec 19, 2006 06:54

Each case is different. I hung on for 10 years thinking it would get better. I finaly put the line as when she endangered me or the children. When she crossed that I got rid of her. The day after court I felt such a relief it was hard to explain. A huge weight was lifted off. It still tore me up because I felt I had made a commitment for life. Now 19 years later I laugh at how I was so blind but yet how I can see so much now. I can't tell you when to stay or clear out. Only you can, remember there are people who will listen and support whatever your decision is. Fromthefarm


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cruisineasy1
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Posted on Mon, Dec 18, 2006 14:24

Common knowledge is that children pattern the social skills and ways of problemsolving from what they see in the home. "Bad" can mean many things, my advice it get some joint counseling if both are willing. BOTH however need to have the self esteem, insight and the maturity to make change as the dance right now is not working.It takes two people to tango..so both have things to look at and improve on. Engaging anouther person for support ...well you are right...close relationships can foster from it and it never enhances the marriage a person is in, does it? THe down side is standard of living is never the same..usually for the woman and the kids. Only you can assess ...flagrant abuse..leave. kIDS DON't need to learn how to beat a spouse.


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spunkets_1
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Posted on Tue, Aug 22, 2006 21:18

Depends on what you mean by bad marriage. The details count, especially what the kids will lose vs what they might gain. Obviously someone is being unfaithful. Well being, especially of the kids is more important than "happiness". So, this calls for a story: One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row. The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?" "Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan." "And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed. To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."


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Greekster
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Posted on Mon, Aug 21, 2006 17:00

Hey Choppergirl, want to here my clean "Parrot joke" ?


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Greekster
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Posted on Mon, Aug 21, 2006 16:58

Get out of the situation and be sure to be honest with the kids (if they are old enough to understand) , spend a lot of your free time with them and talking to them about their interests! some marriages come with 3 rings, I raised my daughter as a single parent and we are very close because of it ! I also have a adopted daughter who's married and she is very close to me ,(she won't talk to my X) but that's between them ? Bottom line... "commuication, honesty and loyalty and a big sense of humor" !!!


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Greekster
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Posted on Mon, Aug 21, 2006 16:57

Get out of the situation and be sure to be honest with the kids (if they are old enough to understand) , spend a lot of your free time with them and talking to them about their interests! some marriages come with 3 rings, 1. the ingagement ring 2. the Wedding Ring 3. The SuffeRing Shouldn't be like that but it's true! I raised my daughter as a single parent and we are very close because of it ! I also have a adopted daughter who's married and she is very close to me ,(she won't talk to my X) but that's between them ? Bottom line... "commuication, honesty and loyalty and a big sense of humor" !!!


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Greekster
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Posted on Mon, Aug 21, 2006 16:56

Get out of the situation and be sure to be honest with the kids (if they are old enough to understand) , spend a lot of your free time with them and talking to them about their interests! some marriages come with 3 rings, 1. the ingagement ring 2. the Wedding Ring 3. The SuffeRing Shouldn't be like that but it's true! I raised my daughter as a single parent and we are very close because of it ! I also have a adopted daughter who's married and she is very close to me ,(she won't talk to my X) but that's between them ? Bottom line... "commuication, honesty and loyalty and a big sense of humor" !!!


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Posted on Mon, Aug 21, 2006 10:01

I have to agree with Dragonfly 4, I stayed for a while, I had 2 young sons, and realized it was time to leave, when my oldest son (who was 6) asked why I slept in the spare room every night. Thats when I relized that kids, no matter how young, know whats going on, I didnt want them to think it was ok to be in a relationship with no touching, kissing, laughing, talking or just being together at all..I didnt want them to grow up and repeat the same things their father and I were doing in their own relationships. He wasnt a bad person either we just werent met for each other, took us 15 yrs to realize it, and the kids are fine now. He is in a good relationship now and the kids get along with her fine...hmmmm now you got me wondering if it was me or I just havent found the right one..lol..moral..never stay for kids, its deff better for them to see you happy!


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Posted on Sun, Aug 20, 2006 15:43

The children will be fine! Satisfy your needs, your desires, fulfill your dreams and go for it! Your kids will be happier when you are! Believe me, I've been there!


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halfinchwrench
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Posted on Sat, Aug 19, 2006 20:44

staying for the kids aint a reason, i had 2 broken homes when i was a kid,for the kids sake is a calm , quiet, no fear homelife. grades improve, and are able to foucus on day to day. best situation is to still have both parents involved with the kids, just not each other.and no using the kids as spies.


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Msprose
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Posted on Sat, Aug 19, 2006 19:49

My feelings when I was in that position were that how will my sons know love if they were not seeing it between Mom and Dad you can't fake it even for the kids. We ended it before it got messy and I'm glad to say almost 20 years later I walked down the isle on the arm of my ex husband and danced like mad with a great guy at our 1st born wedding. He's a good friend and the kids have never had to pus sy foot around either one of us. Just my way. Best of luck in what ever road your on.


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