..this was sent to me today...thought it would be a good laugh...;p
Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic > Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I > will explain using the Q and A format: > > "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? > "A. It is money that the federal government will > send to taxpayers. > > "Q. Where will the government get this money? > "A. From taxpayers. > > "Q. So the government is giving me back my own > money? > "A. No, they are borrowing it from China . You > children are expected to repay the Chinese. > > "Q. What is the purpose of this payment? > "A. The plan is that you will use the money to > purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the > economy. > > "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of > China ? > "A. Shut up." > > > Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US > economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: > > If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will > go to China . > > If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, > the Arabs and Al Queda > > If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan . > > If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to > Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic). > > If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea . > > If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India > > If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in > Afghanistan > > If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to > Nigeria . > > And none of it will help the American economy. > > We need to keep that money here in America . You can > keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, > going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer > (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only > businesses still in the US.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still Heavily sedated from a Difficult four hour, surgical Procedure A young student nurse appears to Give him a Partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my Testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles Black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry About his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment And sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and His testicles in the other, lifting and moving them Around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's Nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and Says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen Very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - B a c k ?
well.. .looks like i may be stuck in Eagle Pass till saturay or monday. hauled a 200ton press here to be taken across the border to mexico...for the Lear Corp. but as usual when dealing with border crossings they dont have the equipment to handle this type of equipment.. .and here i sit.. .lol...;p
Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it.
It might even be good for us!
The Saudis are boycotting American goods.
We should return the favor.
An interesting thought is to boycott their GAS. Every time you fill up
your car, you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of
Arabia Just buy from gas companies that don't import their oil
Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I
fill-up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to
me, my family, and my friends.
I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies
the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle
These companies import Middle Eastern oil :
Shell........................... 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco......... 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon /Mobil............... 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon/Speedway... 117,740,000 barrels
Citgo......................from South America , from a Dictator who
If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18
BILLION! (oil is now $90-$95 a barrel)
HERE are some large companies which
DO NOT import Middle Eastern oil:
Sunoco................... 0 barrels
Conoco................... 0 barrels
Sinclair.................. 0 barrels
BP/Phillips.............. 0 barrels
ARC0...................... 0 barrels
All of this information is available from the Department of Energy
and each is required to state where they get their oil and how much
they are importing.
To have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers.
But it's really simple to do.
Now, don't wimp out at this point.... keep reading and I'll explain how
simple it is to reach millions of people!!
I'm sending this note to about thirty people .
If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and
those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) .. and
so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people,
we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers !!!!!!!
If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten
friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!
If it goes one level further, you guessed it .....
THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. How long would
If each of us sends this e-mail out to ten more people within one day,
300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."
>>Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I
hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual
The Code :
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only
because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a
natura l disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but
how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I saluteyou.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have
several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps
if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff
(or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness fo r women. Some is
inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a
froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as
drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident,
favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring,
etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough
attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal
himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or
drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully
ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear,
guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have
to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a
reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the
remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to)
death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss
of a majo r body part.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant
woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to
that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a
disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis
and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand,
but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable
manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy
relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a bli zzard) without sliding all over or
driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it
lands is where he **** well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly
person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military
dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to
them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will
always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something
stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing
things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !
Well I'm Southbound, Lord I'm comin' home to you.
Well I'm Southbound, baby, Lord I'm comin' home to you.
I got that old lonesome feelin' that's sometimes called the blues.
Well I been workin' every night, travelin' every day.
Yes I been workin' every night, traveling every day.
You can tell your other man, sweet daddy's on his way.
Aww, ya better believe.
Well I'm Southbound.
Whoa I'm Southbound.
Well you can tell your other man, Sweet daddy's on his way.
Got your hands full now baby, as soon as I hit that door.
You'll have your hands full now woman, just as soon as I hit that door.
Well I'm gonna make it on up to you for all the things you should have
Lord, I'm Southbound.
Yes I'm Southbound.
Whoa I'm Southbound, baby.
Said I'm Southbound.
Well I'm gonna make it on up to you for all the things you should
have had before.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend"
The minister fainted.