For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is$280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him;
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom
you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was
Coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike!!!!?
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age
BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you,
and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this
poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per
letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow
morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume
Have a nice day.
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?HERE, HAVE
WEARING THAT?WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!WOW!
LOOK AT YOU!HERE, HAVE
WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.HERE, HAVE
SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?HERE, HAVE
ALL DAY?I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!HERE, HAVE
13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9.. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have
to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Does twinkle twinkle little star and the alphabet song have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing those two songs?
Black Testicles ..
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in th countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! Me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I let off three more. The smell was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My fac e must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra
"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
" I can cut them for you ?said the chemist
" but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. "
" I am 96? said the old man.
I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. "
My Last Blog
I'm sorry to say this but
This will be my last blog
Things have been a bit tough lately
and life is getting shorter and shorter every day.
I want to take time and smell the Roses.
So I am going to quit posting jokes
and travel full time with a biker gang
to see the country and enjoy life while I still can.
Don't worry about me - they
all seem like really nice people.
It has been nice here with you,
But it's time to say good bye.
A photo of the biker gang is below
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,
so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick
Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to
communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES
AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS; WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Thailand: Advertisement for donkey ride:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK..you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!
You just got to love females, they have an answer for everything.
A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.As they undressed for bed,the husband who was a big burly bruiser tossed his pants to his bride and said here put these on.
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body."I cant wear your pants"she said.
"Thats right and dont you forget it"said her husband."Im the man in this family"
With that she flipped him her panties and said,"try these on".He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties."
She said, "That's right, and that's the way its gonna be untill your fucking attitude changes".
John, my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you
know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I
turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really
didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of
the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up
Fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality
you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you
my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cant wait to see you!.
Your loving wife,
Oh, Your girlfriend called!!!!
A marine stationed in afghanistan recently received a dear jon letter from his girl back home,it read as follows:;Dear Ricky I can no longer continue our relationship.The distance between us is too great.I must admit ive cheated on you twice since youve been gone and its not fair to either one of us.Im sorry.Please return the picture of me that I sent you.Love Becky..The marine with hurt feelings asked his fellow marines for any pics they could spare of their gals,sisters, exs,e.t.c In addition to Beckys pic Ricky included the pics of the pretty gals hed collected from his buddies.There were 57 pics in that envelope..along with this note:..Dear Becky.Im so sorry I cant quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your pic from the pile and send the rest back to me.Take care,Ricky.