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dankillerjoker
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Posted on Thu, Sep 06, 2007 22:11

I desperately want to start a blog that uncovers alot of the "awful truth" about suicide. Now whether most of you want to make a "public announcement" about it or not,Ill bet you have made an "attempt" on some level. Even if it was only "over-eating",or"driving while drunk".There are many ways that you can put your self at serious risk, without putting a gun to your head or slashing your wrist. Sadly, I can no longer be too "up front" and honest about my situation because I am starting to realize that when I tell somone that Ive actually "tried" it,they back away from me in shock and horror. It's so sad.Really.Its as if the person thinks that I may need someone to "accompany" me on my next attempt and it wasnt going to be them! So now I have to lie and say something as lame as " oh that, it was an accident...knowing full well that it was a little more than that. I am blessed enough look the same as I did before the attempt though. Happily my pantyhose covers the scar on my left leg well.Its a miricle that I survived. After surviving that "near death" experience I know that I will never do anything even close to that again. But y'now, lifes full of surprises. If I had met a person 1 week before that attempt 6 months ago, who had the "gaul" to say,"Pam you are going to try to take your own life in just "5 days". I would have looked at them like they were crazy and I would have avoided them like the plague! And what do you know, They would have been right. So,its a difficult subject to discuss and to be honest about. How comfortable does the subject of "suicide" make you feel and why? Have you ever "tried" it? What pushed you to that breaking point?What did you do to get beyond it? Do you still feel weak in some way? How so? Tell us please, we all want to know how you feel.Because your feelings and your honesty helps us all! Its...


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Junie2006
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Posted on Mon, Sep 17, 2007 04:48

L2R I can help you out with that one. everyone's body chemistry is different. and the causes of mental illness and which part os the brain are causing it are different. Also psychtropic medication is not specific. It does not go to one part of the brain it affects all the parts of teh brain and the interaction. So it may raise one part up and slam another part down. Must read the side effects for Chlopromazine it covers two pages) Psychiatric medication is like every other medication you do not know if it right for you til you take it. Prozac has been named as being behind suicides so has Seroxat. But to others these medicines are a God send and the right one for them. Also when a person is so low down an suicidal but they lack energy and motivation and purpose to carry it out. They are that low. That is why the most often uptake of suicides is when the person has taken meds or is in recovery and feeling more positive. More positive and engergetic to finsh the job and get them out of living or experiencing a further miserable existence. Some people in shock and depression go into a "fugue" state where the impact is overwhelming and thay are paralysed by their feelings. people tend to think they are safe as they are not moving. Will leave them unattended. WHOOPS!! It is when that person suddenly comes to with the realisation of what is happening and how they feel they suddenly have the rush to "end it" That's when psychiatric patients take off over the fields with the nurses and doctors chasing after them. Everyone trained in the dive and rugby tackle. It may take a few weeks or several attempts to get the medication that is right for you. that is why ther is more emphasis on self knowledge and self management of mental illness and symptoms and recognising deterioration and what actions to take. Still suffering from a over reliance on the medical model for mental illness and therapeutic imputs. Junie


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ChromeSpikes
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Posted on Sun, Sep 16, 2007 05:02

I wasn't going to reply to this blog but since it is so close to home thought I would say a few things. First, I would say that people cry out before they attempt or commit a suicide. We just don't always listen. Of course, after all is said and done, the pieces fall into place just like a jigsaw puzzle. I lost an Uncle, a cousin and my Bro in Law. All cried out, but none of us really listened or heard what they were saying. I lost my bro in January of this year and yes,the havoc it left behing has been horrible but I can only think his pain was much greater. At times we do feel anger toward that person as I do with my brother in law since he left his wife of 27 years and 2 grown sons to try to deal with it all. Some would say he took the easy way out but knowing him, In his "mind" was fighting a losing battle. It all makes perfect sense,now. I would just say be careful and take it to heart when someone is trying to tell you something you do not want to hear as it may be the only chance you get to "try" to save a person.


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Junie2006
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Posted on Sun, Sep 16, 2007 04:51

OK DKJ, You know your spirit and major character of your personality is "wafting." Very nice. totally understand that. that is why people take drugs, drink alcohol, get high on sexual relief or the adrenaline which comes from agressive abusive relationships or waft around the heavenlies with familiar, like minded spirits who empathise with your character. Even self harm can bring on a release and euphoria which can empty the mind and body of all tension and upset for a while. I understand what is happening. We all need it. life is too hard and living with concrete is too uncomfortable to be constantly living like that everyday. So we all need a break in the heavenlies of waftiness. When our real feelings about the meaning of life is distracted or comotosed. Psychiatrists tell patients they are suffering from lack of insight as to the reality of their mental state and the realness of their lives and problems. Patients can answer back. "Actually I have absolute perfect insight and see it all quite clearly. That is why I am staying hear and not coming back. Bring it on Mahatma Ghandi and Genghis Khan i am ready for my bong. I am not coming down no matter how many drugs you pump into me" My delusion and my friends are my comfort zone so BUTT OUT!! you book chomping nerd. Glad you have sort out help. Medication will help if you find the right one. It takes a few weeks to build up to a therapeutic level and kick in the benefits. But stick with it. Medication is not an answer or a cure. it is just a tool to use to support your life and reduce the effects of negative intrusive thoughts. The true tools for recovery and trhe rest of your life is knowing yourself, what has made you who you are. identifying your triggers that repeat behaviour and raise anxiety in you and developing personal strengths and skills so you are in charge of your life and feelins not anything or anyone else. From a firm foundation you can seek and enjoy anything you w...


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CinnamonGirlOH
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Posted on Sun, Sep 16, 2007 03:46

DKJ, You saw a doctor on Monday who prescribed you Zoloft and you are already feeling the effects? Zoloft tales weeks to get into your system and have effect.I am sure your doctor would have told you this.


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Junie2006
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Posted on Fri, Sep 14, 2007 16:22

Jersey Like I say I did some reseacrh when i was at college to improve the student support and counselling system. It was just the chaplain, and not everyone wanted to go talk to the chaplain. So we developed a "team" of those tutors the students prefered and most often went to and we identified those member of the students who again were the people people were more often to go to. We trained everyone of these people in counselling and basic "therapy" techniques and set up a rota. But people could choose who they went to. The tutotrs felt better as they were now trained and were now part of a team, not on their own. And the student benefited bcause they were trained and it went towards their devlopment and again they were not on their own struggling with thier mate's problems. We also established a "drop in" room whioch was manned by volunteers which people could drop into in the wee small hours of the night when their spirits were low. The chaplain was a bit "put out" as it was his little baby and fancied himself as the messiah of the college. had to break his fingers to get his hands off it. But it did work better and being a team they could support each other. It came from the way people normally work and who they want to see. Not everyone wants to talk to a chaplain who to be honest had his own evangelistic messiah agenda behind it and all counselling turned out another opportunity to push on the gospel. i believe in the common community having the skills and knowledge and ability of dealing with the common human problems of community. and lets be honest there is nothing we or anyone else goes through that hasn't been gone through before. But the previous generation who had simplicity of heart mind and souls and didn't have any confuluted ideas about stuff. Most stuff sorted over a bowl of soup and a cup of tea.


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dankillerjoker
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Posted on Fri, Sep 14, 2007 05:55

Junie Thank you for that "from the heart" comment. I know that something is very wrong with me now. That was my 3rd attempt. But that was the only one that I never expected to awake from. I never thought for a second that I might survive it and be crippled for the rest of my life, I thoght Id just never wake-up. That is another reason why the Doctors and Nurses were so astounded at my lack of physical destruction. But in truth I always had a "lack of physical" destruction. I was always the beautiful one where ever I went. Not beautiful in a "sexy or sensuous" way at all. I was always the "Fun" kind of beautiful. Youd forget about my looks after about 3 monutes of meeting me, cause my personality would start to take over. Monday, I went to a really good psychiatrist. That was my 3rd visit. He had to work on my diagnosis thru a whole host of things. Monday, he told me that I suffer from "Chronic Anxiety & Depression". So he put me on Zoloft. I started it on Tuesday. I was so surprised at how "awake" I seemed to be. The sky was really blue and clear. It was nice. It was almost like "waking up". I wish I had been seeing this guy 6 months ago. That picture of me in the long sheer thing was taken 3 days before my attempt. And someone said that attempts arent real. Well attempts are real. From attempts come success. Im really sorry to hear about her Mother though. It sounds like she is still suffering quite a bit. I hope that she continues to be strong. We all benefit from her strength and from yours as well Junie. Pam


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dankillerjoker
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Posted on Fri, Sep 14, 2007 05:37

Junie you have me laughing hysterically! You are right though, Joker and Dan are probably dead. I know that killer is. You are just too much when you talk about "floating on the realms of nothingness". I feel like, eh, so what. Everybody's spirit "soars onto the earth" from some contraption. Yours is wood and concrete,mine is "floating on the realms of nothingness". That difference is totally okay with me. I can only be helpful to us both. Peoples differences are a good thing. But so much of what you say "hits" a major button whenever I read it. You seem like a "salt of the earth" kind of woman. Thats very good. That makes for alot of strength and independence..pam


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dankillerjoker
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Posted on Fri, Sep 14, 2007 05:28

Thanks rk2, As well as all of the others who have made comments on this blog. Many hear and take your advice. Rk2,I personally dont care if I do scare people off with my extreme honesty. Thats simply me. And if they cant stand that "major" part of me, lets get that info "out of the bag" right now. No need in wasting either of our time. Now thats how I feel about it rk2. I dont believe in "pretense", even for " a little bit of time". Thats just me.


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JerseyAngel
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Posted on Thu, Sep 13, 2007 13:21

hmmmm we could give him a "wax" job with the duct tape!! Good thinking!


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JerseyAngel
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2007 17:52

Thanks Patti. It's part of life. My daughter lost 2 best friends who both hung themselves. Our township has the highest suicide rate in this state. I work with the school on this subject so you can see why this is NOT A JOKE. You're right though, this is a very distasteful blog. BTW, RK my daughter's friend, his nickname was Ruffy! He was half spanish.


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RK20032000
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2007 10:10

Re: Mental note take back the Cuervo and get Roofies. loves2rde write: Question for you: What's the matter with experiencing life without being drunk or stoned? That's your defining moment to whether you need help or not. I kid about stuff on the blogs, but I don't like being drunk or at of control. Please don't ride like that.



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irishpatti
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2007 08:36

Re: Sorry to hear about your mom Jersey. Two of my son's musican friends h=ung themselves and it so saddened his life. Like I said this blog does not belong on a biker site. JerseyAngel write: You are one f'd up bitch. You need to consider others before you write some of the stupid f'd up shit you write. No it's not a taboo subject. It is a PERSONAL subject. Suicide is caused by mental illness. Something people look down on. If you want information on it, go to the library. But don't use us as your "test subjects" because I will give you my TRUTH. If you "tried" it, you were looking for attention. People don't "try" it and survive honey. People succeed. There is no trying. You do it!!!! My mother committed suicide. So there's my truth. You need professional help. Get some and get a life.



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Junie2006
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2007 08:33

R U on YOUTUBE? You should be. Just a suggestion. Junie


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JerseyAngel
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2007 07:14

L2R people get drunk or stone to hide. The use it to bury who they are and what the truth is. This chick has no idea who she is. The REAL her. Maybe if she cleaned herself up, sobered up and got some help she might find out that she would in fact like herself.


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Junie2006
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2007 07:06

Sym, Have no problem with the interesting phemonena unrolling here and the professional understanding of it. Just hate the coverall term of Schiz.Realy need to change that word its out of date and too archaic. DKJ Have you really named yourself after three ex-HA's who are now possibly all dead but still influence you? You ahve a lot of powerful influences both internally and externally which have and are moulding you and your life. But where is Pam? As for psychedelic spiritual, free love etc etc. I am not a hgreat lover of love. I am a great lover of concrete and hard floor boards. If you hit me full int he face with a hard truth I can better stand on it than trying to stand on the wispy clouds of wishful nothingness and transient thought. Where is Pam? Where is your grounding? Where is your concrete?


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JerseyAngel
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Posted on Tue, Sep 11, 2007 07:36

You are one f'd up bitch. You need to consider others before you write some of the stupid f'd up shit you write. No it's not a taboo subject. It is a PERSONAL subject. Suicide is caused by mental illness. Something people look down on. If you want information on it, go to the library. But don't use us as your "test subjects" because I will give you my TRUTH. If you "tried" it, you were looking for attention. People don't "try" it and survive honey. People succeed. There is no trying. You do it!!!! My mother committed suicide. So there's my truth. You need professional help. Get some and get a life.


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CinnamonGirlOH
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Posted on Tue, Sep 11, 2007 06:42

Are you sure that wasn't Altamont, and not Woodstock? I think you might be confusing the movie 'Woodstock' with the movie 'Gimme Shelter'. The HA were definitely at Altamont as you can see in the film. This was considered the end of the hippie era due to all the violence at the event,i.e.,Marty Balin of Jefferson Airplane is knocked unconscious by a HA, The Grateful Dead refuse to play after this happens, the HA are seen beating audience members with pool cues,and for the topper 18 yr old Meredith Hunter is stabbed 5 times and kicked to death by a HA member after pulling a gun and pointing it toward the stage. This was not "Woodstock Style Partying",and I think you have mixed the 2 events up.'Woodstock' was heavily filmed and there is more footage from that show than just the film version. I have never seen anyone wearing colors in any of the Woodstock footage. Plus Woodstock was quite a fer piece from the HA stomping grounds back then,while Altamont was right in their backyard.


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RK20032000
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Posted on Tue, Sep 11, 2007 06:19

If you believe the things you have written on here you definitely need to talk to someone in a different venue that can help you with your needs. I say that as a former medical professional not as a biker, blogger or man. If it makes you feel better writing this blog as you say that is a great start but there are genuine nice people on here and some assholes as well just like in any public forum. In a dating forum you want to keep some cats in the bag for the growth of a relationship. Don't you think you might scare off anyone that finds your profile interesting?


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Junie2006
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Posted on Tue, Sep 11, 2007 04:06

Dear DKJ Thank you for your honesty and your courage. There are not many who have not contemplated suicide or done some planning or attempts. When at college i did a survey to try and improve the counselling service. In the students 60% had suffered depression and contemplated suicide. Of those 30% had actually attempted but failed. Of them 10% had tried several attempts. This was in people not even in their twenties. i think the subject is important and relevant. But it must always be remembered that there are people who may have suffered the loss of a loved one from suicide and unless on a specific site to talk about such things would prefer not to be forced to think about it. Many have concerns but come on BK for the chat and the the fun to take themselves away from such things. When our "need" for suicide occurs the pain and the need to find the quickest exit from that pain blocks out everything else. Even thinking about how others would be affcted or we even lie to ourselves about that thinking people would be better off without us or they will get over it or some even improve the financial incentive for those left. I do understand suicide and the internal push within that drives someone to it. But if you have come back from the edge. Then you need to look at what took you to that edge and find insight and strength and wisdom to make yourself a better person. There is nothing in this life that man has not gone through before. Some overcome and some run. learn from those who overcome. Become an Oprah or Christina Aguilera in your own life. its not that you had a crisis, but that you got caught out with that crisis. Take care of yourself. and don't get in a downward curve of recrimination and guilt and regret. You now know yourself better and your weaknesses and vulnerabilties. Need to look at the foundations and structures of how you ahve put your life together. Rebuild it the way you want it. Good Luck. Take care of yourself. ...


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