We have all recieved some form of home remediesa on trhe net. But here are a few that I thought would really help.AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Note:
Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing!
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
> > selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life
> > sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My
other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct
with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who
lives in Longview . She is a part-time "working girl."
All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fianc? and
look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for
Worried About My Reputation
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into Oakland, MD with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the Elks for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool cause I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, cause I fed 'er beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ..........added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Texas, sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas .."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the ti me and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
I was thinking of the fad of people who wear their shorts with the crotch down to their knees and are walkinf around with their under wear showing. They usually have one hand cupped over their balls at the same time.
Now I figure this fad started in New York, as these people probably heard of the GTY method of testicule removal and are protecting themselves from the
I met with Cajuncowgirl today, after our separation since June, and we decided to have our ROT Rally marriage annulled as it was only mentally consummated. Mentally my thinking was "Might not be to bad" and her thinking was "In a pigs eye" so by mutual agreement it is now annulled.
We are both free to seek other companions at this time.
A guy named Joe, traveling through Mexico on vacation, lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped b y the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George W. Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent
With that, Joe drops his pants and shows the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Boston."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston ?"
The agent replies, "I recognized Ted Kennedy in the middle".
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big
trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.'
'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'
'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to
work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python
weally gives a thit."
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening, he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
How is this for logic? The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service proposed
an alternative for controlling the coyote population to the Wyoming Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association. For years ranchers had shot and trapped
coyotes, but the tree-huggers wanted a "more humane" solution: Capture the
coyotes alive, castrate the males, and release them all again and the
population would be controlled.
The ranchers considered this idea for about a minute before an old boy stood
up in the back of the room and said, "I don't think you boys understand the
problem. Those coyotes ain't f**kin' our sheep -- they're eatin em!"
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."