Last night my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my wine! She's such a bitch!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put in a container of alcohol (JACK DANIELS)
The second worm was put in a container of cigarette smoke (LUCKY STRIKES)
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup (HERSHEY'S)
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
1st worm in alcohol - DEAD
2nd worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD
3rd worm in chocolate syrup - DEAD
4th worm in good soil - ALIVE
So the minister asked the congregation "what can you learn from this demonstration?"
MAXINE was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said "As long as you DRINK, SMOKE AND EAT CHOCOLATE, you won't have worms"!!!!
That pretty much ended the service!
We sit and we type
And we start at our screens
We all have to wonder
What this possibly means
With our mouse we roam
Through the rooms in a maze
Looking for something or someone
As we sit in a daze
We chat with each other
We type all our woes
Small groups we do form
And gang up on our foes
We wait for somebody
To type out our name
We want recognition
But it's always the same
We give kisses and hugs
and sometimes we flirt
In IM's we chat deeply
And reveal why we hurt
We do form friendships
But why we don't know
But some of these friendships
Will flourish and grow
Why is it on screen
We can be so bold
Telling our secrets
That have never been told
Why is it we share
The thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see
As though we were blind
The answer is simple
It is as clear as a bell
We all have our problems
And need someone to tell
Even though it is crazy
The truth still remains
They are friends without faces
And odd little names
A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboys says, "y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "oh" and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "are you callin' me a horse's ass?" "No sir," the cowboy replied. "I have too much respect for the law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing" the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "hard to fool them flies though."
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much you care some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that you better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. They are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away!