It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it" "Then why don't you drive it away." We can't drive." Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting.
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old
blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
"Boy.................go gitcha momma..............."
I'm not a big football fan, but this was way to cute
John Madden was in Green Bay to announce a football game one weekend
when he noticed a special telephone near the Packers ' bench. He asked
QB Favre what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God.
John asked if he could use it. Favre replied, 'Sure, but it will cost
you $200. John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could
use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $200.
John's picks were perfect that week.
The next week, John was in Indianapolis when he noticed that same kind
of phone on the Colts bench. He asked what the telephone was for and
Manning told him, 'It's a hotline to God if you want to use it, it will
cost you $500.' Recalling the previous week, John pulled out his wallet
and made the call. John's picks were perfect again that week.
Last weekend, John was in Dallas , when he noticed the same kind of
telephone by the Dallas ' bench. He asked Tony Romo, 'Is that the
hotline to God?' Tony said, 'Yes, and if you want to use it, it will
cost you 50 cents.' John looked incredulously at Romo and said, 'Wait a
second, I just paid $200 in Green Bay and $500 in Indianapolis to use
the same phone to God! Why do the Cowboys only charge 50 cent ?
Tony replied, 'Because in Dallas , it's a local call...
Welcome to God's Country.'.................
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body that it could squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes long. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach can live up to nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Warning: Do not try this at home........ maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the......?!")
The flea can jump up to 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the length of a entire football field. (30 minutes....lucky pig.... Can you imagine 30 minute orgasm??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond or the sea?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.... quality over quantity!)
Butterflies can taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmm........ won't go there.)
Right-handed people live, on an average, live nine years longer than left-handed people. (Glad to be right handed.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they s...
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled
"Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest,
he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
(drum roll please)
It's just that no one has
ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
"Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist
" IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS, PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM.
TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for more than a mile, leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.
The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said.
He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying.
The man and his leg were taken to a hospital, but the limb had been crushed in the collision, the paper said.
Dawg had had surgery on Mon they started at 3 and had him back to his room by 7. He's feeling good a little dopey but what the heck. Doc said looks to be about 95% OK and should be feeling better in a few weeks and maybe home on Wed. I know he can't wait to get back riding it's been a long time since April.
Let's all keep him in or prayers.