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Just My Thoughts Posted on Mon, Feb 15, 2010 00:11
I'm doing this blog thing for the first time, it's a quarter til 2 in the morning, I should take a pill and go to bed. I am a widow, have been for nearly 3 years {May 6, 2007}. I told myself that I would never again love as deeply and as totally committed as I did my late husband. Death does have a way of making your loved one seem better than they really were. All I know is God sent me to that man and we made a life together and then He took him away from me. 20 years raising kids and working hard to keep the family farm. I'm here all by myself now, the boys don't love it like we did, I get no help from them at all. I'm just one little woman, no 4x4, can't get to all the fences that need mending, but I do tend to surprise trespassers with my sudden appearance in the dark, with gun or rifle in hand. I have no qualms whatsoever about shooting first and asking questions later. I sure do wish my man was here to take care of all that, I tend to get real jumpy when I'm scared, trigger happy or whatever you want to call it. I've quit sleeping in our bedroom. I sleep on the couch, so I can hear unusual noises, or since it is winter time, so I can be closer to the fire. When I have sleepover company, we end up in my son's old bedroom, complete with his leftover teenage decor. Makes for a real nice touch for the new man of the moment......NOT. I have had a few guys that I went with for a steady time period, but no one I could be with for more than a few days at a time. I'd rather listen to the quiet in my house than have some one here that is glued to the tv, sitting in my man's chair, doing nothing for me. I am so used to being alone that I get downright bitchy when I'm passed the point of "You should go home now". I do enjoy my solitude. I also know that it's gonna take one hell of a man to bring me out of this self imposed prison. OK, almost 2:15 am, time to really take a pill and go lay my bady down. More at another time. OK....2/17/2010....How does a person know when to let go of what they consider to be their life as it has been being lived? I have so much history out here in the woods where I live. All the work my husband did to build this farm up from what it was to what it is now. This house that is no longer a home, but that I can't seem to change anything in it, like all OUR stuff, mementos of the past, man I can't even get all his junk separated to even know what to do with it. I've hauled off so many trailer loads already, and there's still so much of it left. I won't even do regular cleaning inside my house, I just don't have the want to. I've had more than my fair share of husbands in this life, but God made me to be a wife, and I surely do miss that part. My kids are grown and gone, with spouses of their own, and only the stepson has blessed us with grandkids. He doesn't even visit me when they do come out to fish or hunt. His wife is jealous of me. Imagine that!! All the years of my husband being jealous of his own son giving me attention, then now this!! She keeps him messed up on meth and their life is chaos. My kids on the other hand are well adjusted, productive members of society, one is married to a cop and the other will soon be one. I have really removed myself from the public eye, even doing my Walmart shopping at midnight or later, just so I won't run into anyone I know, thereby not having to tell anyone how my life has been since my man passed. Depression SUX!!