|
|
|
Can't Come to Work
104 Views
10/27/08
|
These are actual employee excuses for calling in and missing work.
What was your funniest/lamest excuse??
Employee didn?t want to lose the parking space in front of his house.
Employee hit a turkey while riding a bike.
Employee said he had a heart attack early that morning, but that he was ?all better now."
Employee donated too much blood.
Employee?s dog was stressed out after a family reunion
Employee was kicked by a deer.
Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party and suggested the company post some sort of notice to warn others who may have kissed him.
Employee swallowed too much mouthwash.
Employee?s wife burned all his clothes and he had nothing to wear to work.
Employee?s toe was injured when a soda can fell out of the refrigerator.
Employee was up all night because the police were investigating the death of someone discovered behind her house.
Employee?s psychic told her to stay home.
|
|
Post / view comments (6)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
Drink, Steal, Swera and Lie
90 Views
05/23/08
|
Drink, Steal, Swear and Lie
4 Rules to Live By
1. Drink from the "Everlasting Cup" every day.
2. Steal a moment to help someone who is in worse shape than you.
3. Swear that you will be a better person today than you were yesterday.
4. Last but not least... When you lie down at night, thank God you live in America
and have Freedom!
Have a Safe and Happy Memorial Day
|
|
Post / view comments (1)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
Decoy...??
70 Views
04/27/08
|
|
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, & try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out right there. Everyone left the bar and rode off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The biker replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
|
|
Post / view comments (3)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
Apples and Wine
58 Views
04/22/08
|
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men.... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
|
|
Post / view comments (3)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
Never Argue with a Woman
78 Views
04/19/08
|
Never Argue with a Woman...
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
"I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Send this to four women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.
|
|
Post / view comments (4)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
Two Ways to Look at Things
91 Views
04/17/08
|
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
Yes," I sighed.
"She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since."
MY GOODNESS!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
Therefore, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
|
|
Post / view comments (4)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
Love In Later Years
111 Views
03/30/08
|
> Love In Later Years
>
>
> One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became
> aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He
> started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small
of her
> back.
>
> He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very
lightly. Then, he
> proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
> her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
>
> He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
other.
> His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle
> stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
then
> returned to do the same to her right thigh.
>
>
>
> By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little
> to
> better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over
to
> his side of the bed.
>
> "Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
>
> He whispered back, "I found the remote".
|
|
Post / view comments (2)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
Woman in a coma
82 Views
03/30/08
|
|
A woman was in a coma and had been in it for months. When nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath, one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
|
|
Post / view comments (2)
Forward to friends
Report abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
English 
Deutsch 
Become an affiliate
