TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT
DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE
THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE! AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE'
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'
THE FRIEND REPLIED 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT'
LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about
that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The
People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t !!!
Head & Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor.
On the 23rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair but obvious dandruff gets into the elevator.
The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.
The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.
The women watch him exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
In the 2+ yrs I have been on this site, I have met a lot a good folks. Live to Ride, Ride to Live! Contrary to some's belief, I have not met the love of my life. I helped a friend out who's friend was without.....No big DEAL! Seems I have been shunned
So Long, ride safe, be an outlaw!
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
"Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.
"Not zackley but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble" . Mr. Miller told the boy.
"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sen...
consider himself the richest man in Idaho ."
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the g rocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved toColorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt."
"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would ...
The other day, someone in a store in our small town read that a Meth Lab had been found in a suburan neighborhood and he asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"
I replied, "I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning, I was drug to Church for weddings and funerals."
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out in dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and If today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place!
God bless the parents who drugged us!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard...Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck!
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto." the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba......
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be Smart.....Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult, But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you answer, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all the questions wrong, but many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semem sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?!
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
We usually stand by the gate on hot summer nights,
Listening for a Harley as it slowly rumbles by,
In a silent salute to friends that have died,
Saying goodbye on the hot summer night;
Once in a while, they ride through the gate,
Rusted, and busted and twisted with age;
The men walk slowly with shimmering eyes,
The women with tears say lonely goodbyes;
Every once in a while someone comes to stay,
How they came here, it's hard to say;
Sometimes they go down on some stretch of highway,
Some say goodbye the old-fashioned way;
As our brothers and sisters are laid to rest,
The leaves seem to rustle with a quite sigh;
As the spirits of our brothers and sisters,
Say their last goodbye;
We'll never forget the lives that we've led,
No matter whether they were good or bad;
The wonderful time that we had in our lives,
Riding down the highways with friends on our bikes;
The thundering vibrations as we roar down the road,
The gentle touch of the ones we no longer hold;
The love of our brothers and sister worth more than gold,
These are the things we will miss to our very souls;
On one of these long lovely days,
You'll see an Angel on some lonesome highway;
Please! Stop and Wait!
Think of ones inside that rusted gate;
For we are the Guardian Angels that hold your fate:
My favorite poem
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that nite
When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere
The sirens screamed out eulogies
For death was in the air
A mother, trapped inside her car
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
"Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity
Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
Oh, God, don't let them die!
Then firemen came and cut her loose
But when they searched the back
They found therein no little boys
But the seat belts were intact
They thought the woman had gone mad
And was traveling alone
But when they turned to question her
They discovered she was gone
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication
Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car"
And they don't have a scratch
They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home
I've searched the area high and low
But I can't find their dad
He must have fled the scene, you see
I guess, and that is very bad
The mother hugged the twins and said
While wiping at a tear
He could not flee the scene, you see
For he's been dead a year
The cop just looked confused and asked
"Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you."
He told us not to worry
And that you would be allright
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light
We wanted him to stay with us
Because we miss him so
But mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go
He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss
And he said to tell you Mommy
He's watching over us
The mother knew without a doubt
That what they spoke was true
For she recalled their dad's last words,
"I will watch over you"
The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar
But on the cop's report was scribed
In print so very fine
An angel walked the beat tonight
On Highway 109.........
There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US, but now a few women have entered the field.
A male patient goes to the female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say "99!!!"
The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"
The doctor says, great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, "99!!!"
Again the says, "99!!!"
The doctor said, "Very good, now then I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slighty. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your UNIT. Now take a deep breath and say, "99!!!"
The guys says, "One...Two...Three..